New Smartphone App Gets Satan Behind Thee, For Free!
If you find fighting off the Devil too difficult, or if you've just plain given in and joined His Satanic Majesty, which is pretty likely, since you're reading Wonkette, then televangelist Kyle Winkler (no relation to the Fonz, we're pretty sure, and almost definitely not theminor-league pitcher of the same name), wants you to know that it's not too late to fight back against the Devil. It also just so happens that Winkler has a book coming out in September, called Silence Satan, which is a pretty good reason to release a smartphone app called "Shut Up, Devil!" It sounds pretty darn powerful!
The Shut Up, Devil! app is an innovative resource that puts the power of the Word of God in your pocket. And because it's on your smartphone, which is almost always with you, you're ready to resist the devil whenever and wherever he attacks. Additionally the app features reminders that will help you keep the enemy at bay and silenced in your life.
But how can a simple phone app help you in your struggles with the Prince Of Darkness? Easy-Peasy-Mark-o'-the-Beezy! We downloaded it ourselves, and it's a snap! You just open the app, find the problem or temptation you're confronting, and the app spits out both a Bible verse and a thing you can say to make the Devil go away!
For instance, let's say you're angry at the injustice of the police shooting an unarmed 18-year-old to death. Just tap on "anger" and you get the verse "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." And then you can quell your anger by saying to the Devil, "I follow the example of the Lord, who is slow to anger and full of love. I have great mercy and love for those around me" -- and then the Hornéd One vanishes in a puff of bits! But don't bother looking under the category "Injustice," because it's not there.
Still, it's pretty inspiring, if your Satanic Adversary happens to hit you with one of the 24 categories of challenges that life may hold, like "lust" or "stress" or "pride" (there's also an all-around "Armor of God" and a "Start Your Day" category). And you can throw away those useless, expensive Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, because there's even a cure for "depression":
Scripture: But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
Talk Back! God is my shield and my glory; He lifts my head high.
And is the app effective? Just see this evidence from an article by Kyle Winkler himself!
Thousands already use the app and report transformed thinking and great victory in spiritual warfare. I know that you'll experience the same, and in just a short time you'll realize that you're no longer under attack—you are on the attack!
Download the app today and begin to say, "Shut up, devil!"
You can even set a timer to remind you, as often as once an hour, to read one of the little Bible verses! And if you want to know more about what the Bible has to say on the topic, it's a good thing God blessed you with a smartphone, because you'll have to look the quote up somewhere, maybe with Google -- this app doesn't bother with trivia like what "chapter" or "verse" the quotes are from.
There's also a "search" function, which is especially helpful if you happen to type in the name of one of the 26 categories already in the app. We tried a few search terms for spiritual crises like "despair," "suicide," "loss," "grief," "lost faith," and "hopelessness," and we got bupkis. If you're lucky, you might get a near-miss: "sex" brings up "lust" and "addiction," and reminds you that your body is a temple, so stop fucking it up already.
Even though it appears to be limited to right around 25 Biblical reminders, we're sure that the app is far more useful than this limited test run suggests; in fact, while we were playing with the thing, we were very much aware that there were no evil demons in the room, so it must work pretty darn well. Besides, we usually try to save our malevolent spirits for after 5:00.
[Charisma Magazine via a tip by Wonkette Operative "Ashley"]
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.