Let us catch you up on the latest twist in the Tamir Rice story, because who can keep all these killings of unarmed black people straight anyway? Tamir Rice was 12 when he was shot dead by Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann, supposedly for "brandishing" a toy gun while he was alone in a park not hurting or threatening anyone at all, meaning that Rice should have become the poster boy for open carry advocates in part because he was still a little boy. Rice's death was put through the smear machine until video surfaced showing Loehmann gunning down Rice, and then we all learned what a shitty cop Loehmann was in the first place.


Shortly thereafter, a sportsball man wore a shirt acknowledging Rice's death, prompting the Cleveland police union to dish out a #HotTake so sizzlin' it created its own magnetic field. And yesterday, in further proof that the universe could not have been created by a merciful and compassionate god, the shooting death of an unarmed 12-year-old somehow became even more tragic. Cleveland.com published a 30-minute video showing what happened after Rice was shot, and it's ... it's rough, man.

[Rice's 14-year-old sister], who was at the park with Tamir, ran to her brother's side when she heard two gunshots fired by first-year Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann. As the girl neared her brother, Loehmann's partner, Frank Garmback confronted her and forced her to the ground. Loehmann rushed over, and the two knelt beside her as she rolled on the ground. Eventually the officers handcuffed the girl and placed her in the back of the police cruiser, less than 10 feet from her dying brother.
Officers then stood around Tamir as he lay wounded. One officer had his hands on his hips when a man, identified by police as an FBI agent who was in the neighborhood, entered the frame and administered first aid. It was the first medical care the boy received in the four minutes that followed the shooting.

We are going to embed the video in case you want to see and cry for yourself, but that blockquote is the important part. Please take us seriously when we say this: You will not be happy that you watched this video. You will never get back the time or the innocence you possessed before you watched this video. You have been warned.

Honestly, we've been kicking around this story in our minuscule brain case for hours now, and there's just no way to make this funny. Here now is a list of things that are funnier than the shooting death of Tamir Rice and the agony of his 14-year-old sister, caught on camera and displayed to a nation whose largest city's cops are currently suffering from a mild case of blue flu:

  • Diarrhea on a first date
  • New England's recent rash of heroin overdoses
  • Getting punched in the balls (or breasts, we are told)
  • Breaking your big toe
  • Typhoid fever
  • Drinking spoiled milk
  • Realizing you only have enough money to send one child to college
  • Realizing you only raised one child smart enough to get into college
  • Losing your grandfather's pocket watch
  • Haiti
  • Being on fire
  • Clubbing a litter of puppies to death, and by the time you get to the last one, he's totally figured out what's going on and he looks up at you, pleadingly, with his little puppy dog eyes, and you do it anyway

Whoa! That last one really came out of nowhere, huh? Just like Officer Timothy Loehmann, in a way. Just like Officer Timothy Loehmann in a truly not funny way.

[Cleveland.com]

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