Via Flickr

If there's a politician in America more likely than New York Mayor Bill de Blasio to make perfectly reasonable comments only to have wingnuts immediately and epically lose their minds, we're not sure who it is. (Just kidding, it is Hillary Clinton and also Barack Obama and also pretty much every Democrat, but mostly those two.)

Numerous Democratic mayors said really stupid shit about the encroachment of Chick-Fil-A into their cities back in 2012, when the marriage equality controversy first broke. Former Boston Mayor Thomas Menino and somehow still-current Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel both straight up said they would block Chick-Fil-A from expanding to their respective cities. In Emanuel's case, the Illinois ACLU even opposed his potential ban on the extremely reasonable grounds that banning an organization because their owner doesn't approve of marriage equality opens the door to municipalities banning other organizations just because their owners are in favor of gay marriage. (Rahm Emanuel in trouble with the ACLU? COLOR US SHOCKED!)

De Blasio, though, isn't calling for anything so problematic; he's simply been suggesting New Yorkers who support LGBT rights should boycott the chain. He even freely acknowledges that "they have a legal right" to operate wherever.

Apparently, however, once you run "I wouldn't urge anyone to patronize them, and I won't eat there, but they have the right to establish businesses" through a wingnut rage translator, it becomes "I AM THE HARBINGER OF THE MORAL DECAY OF AMERICAN SOCIETY, EVERYBODY GO HAVE BUTTSEX AT CHICK-FIL-A AND EJACULATE IN THE NUGGETS." That's the only explanation we can come up with for the batshit froth conservative commentators have worked themselves into over this. Here's Franklin Graham in a Facebook post about de Blasio's high crimes against decency:

Can you imagine a city where a popular, successful business is singled out and attacked by the mayor who calls for a boycott — all because the business owners let it be known that they operate by Christian principles and believe in God’s definition of marriage? You don’t have to imagine. That’s exactly what just happened to one of America’s most successful businesses. [...]

They just opened a new store in New York and Mayor De Blasio took the gloves off and came after them, calling for a boycott. Doesn't this sound like bullying, intolerance, and discrimination?

Not to anyone with more brain cells than teeth, Franklin, no, it does not.

Franklin Graham isn't the only one in a tiff over de Blasio's attempted cockblocking; we're also treated to further words of wisdom from our old friend, suspected pee enthusiast and frequent Fox News stool pigeon Todd Starnes. No shock Starnes would get involved here; as you all remember, he likes to touch himself while thinking about hot buttery buns. Let's see what Starnes had to say about the issue, courtesy of his steaming, asparagus-scented stream of consciousness:

Mayor Bill de Blasio and members of the New York City Council are calling for a city-wide boycott of Chick-fil-A – urging citizens to refrain from eating plump juicy chicken breasts tucked between hot buttered buns.

Goddamit, Todd, do you need some time in your bunk? Because we can totally leave and come back if you -- oh, nope, you're just going to whip it out right here. Fuck.

“What the ownership of Chick-fil-A has said is wrong,” said De Blasio, a de-facto Communist sympathizer who eats his pizza with a fork.

Heaven forfend Todd Starnes say anything positive about someone who eats his pizza with a knife and fork. That would never happen. Also, Todd? It's 2016; "de-facto Communist sympathizer" is roughly on par with "race-mixing integration advocate" for insult relevance and outright douchery.

So it’s not so much that de Blasio is anti-chicken as much as he is anti-Christian.

The truly incredible thing about Todd Starnes is how you can almost TASTE his smug smirk through your computer screen. It's a gift.

It was last year – just after they had opened their inaugural store in Manhattan. I noticed that after two weeks of drinking all that sweet tea and eating fried food, New Yorkers seemed a bit more – how can I put this – a bit more pleasant – and easy going.

Folks on the subway were even waving at each other – with all five fingers – instead of one.

OK, we're on record as believing New York City is the asshole capital of America and a soul-sucking abyss of human misery, and even we think this is some Grade A smugtacular douchecrap. Fuck you for making us sympathize with New York City, Todd Starnes.

Graham and Starnes were also joined in their call for stupidity by New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo:

Your suggestion that we avoid Chick-Fil-A because the company’s president disapproves of same-sex marriage made me gag.

We have asked this before, and we will apparently have to continue asking it until the end of time: why does every anti-LGBT Republican, be they a writer or a politician, INSIST on using the gayest fucking terms possible to describe their opposition to homo stuff? Don't answer that, it's rhetorical.

We're just waiting for the first person to shout about how Chick-Fil-A's FREEZE PEACH has been violated by de Blasio's unrighteous, discriminatory exhortation to maybe not eat at a restaurant chain that supports dickheaded conservative social policies. At that point, we'll have come full circle.

[DNAInfo / Fox News / New York Post]

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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