New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn't A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President
The New York Times is such a lovable whackjob sometimes. They apparently are having all kinds of fun doing profiles of the GOP presidential candidates! Wednesday, we learned that smug prick Ted Cruz was also a smug prick when he was in college, and that he gets all defensive when you make jokes about him. Today, it is Jeb Bush's turn. What jewels of knowledge does the Times have for us, about Jeb? Oh, just that he really wants to be president, but he can't because he's not a big fatso anymore, which means he won't be able to relate to Trans Fat-Americans. You see, Jeb Bush has lost weight, because he has gone on the trendy Paleo diet, and also he does crunches or something:
The monthslong experiment in deprivation — little to no starch, dairy or refined sugar, in adherence to the in-vogue Paleo diet — may seem extreme. But unlike a mountain-biking brother, and his still-trim nonagenarian father, Mr. Bush has long struggled to keep the pounds away, trying everything from climbing 22 flights of stairs a day to joining the low-carb Atkins craze of the early 2000s.
So apparently Jeb Bush is one of those people who orders hamburgers without the bun. Thanks for the Breaking News Update, New York Times! But how will this play in Iowa???
Breaking bread with Iowans? Try having almonds, Mr. Bush’s preferred high-protein snack food.
Bonding over hamburgers in New Hampshire? How about salad with grilled chicken, his monotonous go-to lunch.
Yeah, just TRY bonding with Iowans, because we all know what Iowans eat for dinner. (One deep-fried and breaded whole hog per person, personally castrated by Joni Ernst, topped with butter, whipped cream, and Nutella.) Everybody point and laugh at Jeb Bush, cutting an almond in half so he doesn't accidentally mess up his Jenny Craig points.
The Times tells us that this is all going to be very important, because Americans may not be aware of it, but on top of all the fatty foods we are craving, our stomachs are also growling for a president who eats real man food, unlike that sissy girly gay priss Barack Obama:
The rigid abstemiousness runs the risk of putting him at a dietary distance from an American electorate that still binges on carbohydrates and, after eight years of a tea-sipping president, craves a relatable eater-in-chief.
TEA-SIPPER! We did not know that "tea-sipping" was one of the stereotypes about President Obama, so that's why it's good that we have the paper of record, to teach us these things. Wonkette emeritus Jim Newell points out at Salon that this crap, about how presidents and presidential candidates Do Food, has been going on a long time. The Wall Street Journal told us in 2008 that Americans just couldn't handle how skinny Barack Obama was, because apparently you need a healthy American belly to be trusted with the nuclear codes. Also, Obama eats arugula, which Newell calls "rich man's lettuce" (we wish we had thought of that one!), therefore Real Americans don't understand him. Obama is, you might be aware, currently serving his second term as president of the United States, despite the fact that he refuses to put some chunk onto his sex body.
Anyway, we feel bad for Jeb Bush, because he is reportedly always hungry, even though he DOES sometimes splurge and eat things he's not supposed to. Or he lies and SAYS he's going to eat them, and then he doesn't follow through, because he is a flip-flopper:
During his campaign swing through New Hampshire last week, Mr. Bush held up a plump slice of blueberry pie on a paper plate for every last camera to see. Then he slid a plastic fork into it.
“Hell with the diet,” he declared mischievously. “Where are the french fries?”
Mr. Bush, however, did not finish the slice.
He put a fork into some pie and said he wanted some french fries! Good try pretending to be an eater of real food, but now we know the truth, and this is why Jeb Bush will never be president. (Just kidding, Jeb Bush will never be president because Hillary Clinton is going to be president, unless Barack Obama's skinny ass declares itself dictator for life and shuts down all the delicious factory meat farms, replacing them with arugula ... orchards? Sure, we'll call them orchards, why the fuck not?)