NEWSMAX SIRENS: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Rides Gold-Plated Horse To Bon Bon Store, To Buy All The Bon Bons!
via the candidate's Facebook

Wingnuts don't know how to handle Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who won the Democratic primary in NY-14 and unseated Joe Crowley, the fourth-ranking Democrat in the House. They are yelling about how she's a SOCIALISSSSSSSS! (A democratic socialist, actually. Wingnuts don't know what that means, because they are bad at speaking English. But they know "socialism" scares them.) They're pretty sure her win means Republicans are going to storm the midterms, in order to stop this one lady from the Bronx who has literally taken over the entire Democratic Party with her silly platform of abolishing ICE (a 15-year-old shithole organization) and making sure people don't die from lack of healthcare.

Look, they are even putting it on Fox News!

Another plank of the wingnut opposition to Ocasio-Cortez is that while her democratic socialist ideas might play well in Queens and the Bronx (the district she will represent in Congress) they sure aren't a good fit for Iowa or Alabama! They may be correct about this, and Wonkette feels safe projecting that Ocasio-Cortez won't win even ONE fucking congressional seat in flyover country in November. What a loser, right????

Oh wait, hold on, she's aware of this too:

That just sounds like ... understanding how the Democratic Party is going to work, now that we are the big tent party and the Republicans are the party of nothing but cousin-screwing Trump fanboys.

But listen, that's not the point of this post. Instead we'd like to make fun of this one guy named John Cardillo (nope, we never heard of him either) who is a host for Newsmax TV (nope, we didn't know they even made videos over there at the Newsmax), who OWNED THE LIBS when he caught Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who came from humble beginnings in the Bronx, SWIMMING LAPS THROUGH THE INFINITY POOL OF LUXURY:

"Humble beginnings, eh? Well here is a picture of the place Ocasio-Cortez grew up, and it clearly has WALLS and a ROOF and an INDOOR BATHROOM. Probably has outlets in every room for CHARGING OBAMAPHONES so you can call the FINEST LOBSTER SELLERS and BUY THEIR LOBSTER."

Of course, Cardillo couldn't even get his facts right.


Also triggered? John Podhoretz:

Now, did Cardillo go back under his bridge with the other trolls? Nah. You see, he got some attention from this, so he immediately proceeded to beg and beg again for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to come on his show for a good natured debate, because lesser wingnuts ALWAYS do that. Because, you see, if you say yes to their request, that means they, in some small way, exist, and also it gives them another chance to OWN THE LIBS.

(Free advice: The answer is always no.)

Cardillo also played the innocent Just Asking Questions card, tweeting that any time he has questions, he's going to "express" them. They're like a shih tzu's anal glands, we guess.

Then he figured out why we are all so #owned that we are curled up in little balls in our #safespace right now, and it is that we know deep down that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is going to be bad at Congress-ing, just like Barry Soetoro Gay-Bama was bad at President-ing:

Indeed, a common thing liberals talk about is how much we HATED Obama.

Anything else to say, mister? Oh, just like 48 more things about how you aren't the one freaking out and tweeting every four seconds about your own fuck-up, WE are the ones freaking out? OK.

We have got us a LIVE ONE, children!

When Ocasio-Cortez's brother Gabriel tweeted that the house where she lived in Yorktown Heights really wasn't all that special, and he would know, since he was the one who owned it, Cardillo brought out his strongest material, which is apparently Zillow pictures of other homes near the house Ocasio-Cortez lived in, which are very large and pretty. This proves that ... there are some large and pretty homes near the house Ocasio-Cortez lived in. TAKE THAT, LIBTURDS:

If you spend a lot of time on Twitter, you already know the internet has had a BLAST with this.

Lest you think Cardillo might have even scored the tiniest of points here, or that Ocasio-Cortez has even slightly pretended to be someone she isn't, LOLOLOL, are you new here? As HuffPost notes, this shit was on her website the entire time:

[A]ccording to her campaign website, Ocasio-Cortez never hid that she also lived in Yorktown Heights. While she was born in the Bronx and lived in the borough's Parkchester apartments, she relocated to Yorktown Heights at the age of 5 to get a better education.

"The state of Bronx public schools in the late 80s and early 90s sent her parents on a search for a solution. She ended up attending public school 40 minutes north in Yorktown, and much of her life was defined by the 40 minute commute between school and her family in the Bronx. It was clear to her, even then, that the zip code a child was born in determined much of their destiny. The 40 minute drive represented a vastly different quality of available schooling, economic opportunity, and health outcomes," reads the campaign's website.

So she experienced firsthand that a simple zip code change can give a kid a leg up that others don't have? WHAT A LIAR!

Anyway, we don't know if the fight will continue beyond where it is right now, but we guaran-fucking-tee we won't be updating you on the situation if it does, as we are bored with it.

In other news, the New York Post has a story about how one time when Ocasio-Cortez was a bartender, the place she helped run had a Cinco de Mayo event and we guess they were pooling tips and this one server felt Ocasio-Cortez didn't tip her out enough at the end of her shift, but then the server complained and she got more tip out, and this obviously scarred that server for life so much that she died, but it's OK, she got better, the end.

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