Newsmax's Greg Kelly MAD At JILL BIDEN! And PEOPLE! Who STOP! Wearing GLASSES! Hey PEOPLE, Put Them BACK ON!

Media/Entertainment

When we last left Newsmax MARINE Greg Kelly, he was having a NEAR MISS at the DAY SPA where there was an ATTEMPT to seize his CELLULAR PHONE. He didn't sign up for THAT!

Before that he had a bad experience with WEED AKA GRASS and woke up in KENYA, because of how he had "toked up." It was a whole thing.

We regret to inform you that Kelly, whose Twitter account is real, but which also may be some sort of long-form elaborate bit, is distraught yet again, about a number of things. (He's always distraught, actually, we just don't always pay attention to it.)

See?

Wait, that's not it. That's just him loving SNOOPY, a great DOG.

He's mad at the first lady, Dr. Jill Biden. He is mad at how she is conducting herself on the Bidens' first trip abroad. She is ... she is sitting at the wrong desk, according to Greg Kelly.


KELLY: WHAT?!? Jill is sitting at @potus desk ON AIR FORCE ONE? Hey JILL --you should be Helping "Old Man Joe"--not TAKING HIS JOB! What the hell does she know about the G7? !!

Or there's this one:

KELLY: Just because she says she's a "Doctor" doesn't mean she should be SITTING AT THE PRESIDENT'S DESK and reading potentially CLASSIFIED MATERIAL! I call on @FBI and @CIA and @DOJNatSec for a COMPLETE INVESTIGATION. Security "LEAKS" can put LIVES in DANGER.

Or there's this one, which somehow gets weirder.

KELLY: WOW!!! @DrBiden SEEMS TO THINK SHE'S ALL THAT!!! Well, I knew her "way back when" at that Stone Ballon PUB. Not good!

He ... knew her way back when at the pub? Excuse us, the PUB? Was this during whatever happened with the weed reefer where he eventually ended up waking up in Nairobi?

So that is ... whatever it is. It's one of the things Greg Kelly spent yesterday being upset about. Greg Kelly does not like where he thinks DOCTOR Jill Biden is SITTING.

Another thing Greg Kelly spent yesterday being upset about is, well, one of his friends got rid of their GLASSES and he DOESN'T LIKE IT and CAN'T RECOGNIZE HIS FRIEND and PUT THEM BACK ON.

KELLY: Ever been Bothered by Someone who wears eyeglasses ALL THE TIME -- -but then suddenly starts wearing "contacts" so they don't need the glasses ? It takes me like SIX MONTHS to get used to the "new look"--SOMEONE I know has just "ditched the shades" -------put them back on. NOW!!

NOW!! says Greg Kelly! Put them on! Greg Kelly doesn't like them!

KELLY: This is ERNIE from "My Three Sons" -----no one EVER talks about that show but I Loved it. Binged all 11 seasons "recently" -----but can u imagine this kid Without the Glasses? NO! "Someone" who ditched his eyeglasses and thinks he's SUPER HANDSOME now -is NOT. PUT THEM BACK ON.

Greg Kelly "recently" watched that show and LOVES it and LOVES ERNIE and LOVES ERNIE'S GLASSES. You hear that, Greg Kelly's friend? ERNIE wore glasses. Greg Kelly's friend thinks he's handsome but Greg Kelly is here to say NO YOU'RE NOT HANDSOME, GREG KELLY'S FRIEND, so PUT THEM BACK ON.

All of this is normal.

This has been a visit into the Twitter account or maybe the psyche of Greg Kelly. We'll do it again ... sometime.

Until then "GOODBYE"!!!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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