Donate

Newt Gingrich Committed Adultery Because America Made Him Horny

News

Presidential candidate/kitsch 1990s artifact Newt Gingrich knows he's going to have to explain why he had so many affairs when he was trying to remove President Clinton from office for getting a blowjob, and here's how heexplained it to CBN in what appears to be some kind of tractor shed for storing murder victims: "There's no question that at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate." Ah, there you go! Newt was so horny for America he would have sex with anything, and probably even made his mistresses dress up in a map of the United States in the sack so he could act out his fantasy. Newt Gingrich will stop committing adultery as soon as this country stops looking so gosh-darn beautiful! It's not his fault!


"I found that I felt compelled to seek God's forgiveness. Not God's understanding, but God's forgiveness. I do believe in a forgiving God. And I think most people, deep down in their hearts hope there's a forgiving God. Somebody once said that when we're young, we seek justice, but as we get older, we seek mercy. There's something to that, I think.

"I hope you can forgive yourself, God, for making this country so damn fuckable. Jeez Louise, this country is fucking hot! It's actually your fault I had sex with women outside my marriages, because you shouldn't have dressed up the United States in those skimpy borders. What am I saying? It's not even wearing any clothes!"

Many politicians say they love this country. But few have the strength to admit to the U.S. they want to take it in the back room and cum on its face. THOSE POLL NUMBERS ARE GONNA CLIMB NOW! [CBN via TPM]

$
Donate with CC
Facebook video screenshot

Corey Stewart, the Minnesota transplant to Virginia who's made protecting "Confederate Heritage" a top issue in his campaign for the US Senate, accused a nosy New York Times reporter of breaking into the apartment of one of his aides. It's a terrific accusation, because while there's no evidence at all and the story makes no damn sense, that doesn't matter at all to people who'd vote for Corey Stewart. They already hate the evil media and know those nasty reporters are capable of all the depravity in the world.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Hey, remember that hilarious time when Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy got caught on tape joking that LOL, Donald Trump and Congressman Dana Rohrabacher were totally on Putin's payroll? WaPo got the goods:

"There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump," McCarthy (R-Calif.) said, according to a recording of the June 15, 2016 exchange, which was listened to and verified by The Washington Post.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher is a Californian Republican known in Congress as a fervent defender of Putin and Russia.House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) immediately interjected, stopping the conversation from further exploring McCarthy's assertion, and swore the Republicans present to secrecy.

It's funny 'cause it's true! ALLEGEDLY. Earlier this month, Congressman Lubyanka Rohrabacher told Fox reporter Elex Michaelson that DNC hack was obviously an inside job.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

SINGLE & MONTHLY DONATIONS

SUPPORT THE CAUSE - PAYPAL DONATION

PAYPAL RECURRING DONATIONS

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc