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A Tale Of Two Newts:


Oh golly, what changed? Special prosecutor Robert Mueller is, of course, one of the most respected public servants we have, and his reputation, as Newt said in his first tweet, is unimpeachable. Is he upset because Mueller is actually hiring the best people for the investigation? As GQ notes, the team Mueller is building "include[s] men and women responsible for bringing down Nixon, Enron and the mafia," and one of his recent hires, Deputy Solicitor General Michael Dreeben, was referred to as "quite possibly the best criminal appellate lawyer in America" in a post at Lawfare. It's almost like Mueller is actually serious about this investigation, and the quality of his hires seems to signal that there's a LOT of "there" there, and he wants to have only the best and brightest by his side so they can really dig in and find the truth.

That is not what Newt Gingrich wanted. You see, when Mueller was announced, Mueller was still a paragon of "honesty and integrity" in the tiny brains of Gingrich and Trump, just like they used to think James Comey was a totally great guy. But now Mueller, like Comey did before him, is actually acting independently, instead of pledging his loyalty to Trump and making this matter go away.

Reaction to Gingrich's little whine tweet came swiftly, even from conservatives, as Chuck Todd found when he took to Twitter to ask, "Fucking for real, Newt?"

Ooh, Ken Starr, now THERE'S an idea!

To be clear, the team Mueller is assembling will get to the truth, whether Newtie and Donald like it or not. And if there's truly nothing to be found, they will find that! We doubt they're going to find "nothing," though.

What sorts of lawyers and judges would Newt Gingrich like to see on Mueller's team? Wonkette has ideas:

  • ORLY TAITZ. She will find Obama's real birth certificate, and as a plus, if anybody on Mueller's team happens to need any emergency dental work, they won't even have to leave the office. Orly does dental work!
  • TREY GOWDY. He will finally learn the truth about Benghazi and forget to investigate possible collusion between Trump and Russia and obstruction of justice ENTIRELY!
  • MICHELE BACHMANN. She is a fun-employed lawyer of some sort we think?
  • SOME OF THOSE AMBULANCE CHASERS WITH TV COMMERCIALS: Hey, you need lawyers who are on the level with Trump's own personal lawyer Marc Kasowitz!
  • MARC KASOWITZ: What? How would that be unfair or unethical?
  • TRUMP GOON IDIOT MICHAEL COHEN: He probably knows a lot about Trump's possible collusion with Russia! Wait, he's being investigated by Congress? SAYS WHO?
  • SUPERLAWYER LARRY KLAYMAN: He could use the investigation to work toward his latest scheme, which is imprisoning liberals! Or he could just sue Hillary Clinton some more, because as John McCain memorably informed us during the Comey hearing, there is a DOUBLE STANDERT being applied, where Hillary isn't even being investigated for colluding with Russia to steal the election from herself.
  • RUDY GIULIANI: Pfffffffft, you say "but he's probably a target of the investigation!" We're sure he could just sign a waiver.
  • JUDGE JUDY: Always good for a zinger! Probably more skilled than all the other people we're listing, though, so we'll call her a "maybe."
  • JUDGE NAPOLITANO FROM FOX NEWS: Shouldn't the real investigation be about whether Barack Obama did illegal "wire tapps" inside Trump's fat rolls, at the Trump Tower? Napolitano was the one who planted that seed in Trump's bad brain in the first place, so maybe he knows something!
  • JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO FROM FOX NEWS: You know, while we're pulling idiots from Dead Roger Ailes's Stable Of Genius.
  • JEFF SESSIONS: Because why do we need a special prosecutor at all, when we already have a nice racist attorney general who maybe perjured the everloving fuck out of himself about his own contacts with the Russians? Oh wait, he is busy testifying for the Senate Intelligence Committee this week? Well fiddlesticks.

In Newt Gingrich's perfect world, where Newt Gingrich is considered smart and attractive and Donald Trump is innocent and competent, that would be a bangin' team. But over here in the real world, we guess we'll stick with Robert Mueller and the incredibly smart, skilled and savvy team he's building, the one with the track record of vanquishing errbody who ever needed vanquishing.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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