Newt Gingrich Sticks To The Important Stuff: Imagineering New Names For 'Cell Phones'


Newt Gingrich is really puzzled, you guys! Seems the smartest, most-forward thinking politician of our time (and former actor – note that that is his actual size) has a giant confuzzle about what exactly to call these newfangled high-powered phone things that are so much more than a phone. Just look at them! It is not just that you can make calls with these phones. You can also take pictures, shoot videos, check email, watch bukkake porn, play video games, update your Twitter and Facebook statuses, find anonymous sex partners within a hundred feet of your current location, do your taxes, watch bukkake porn, calculate a restaurant tip, locate the nearest methadone clinic, start up your car remotely like Knight Rider, pilot a drone to blow up a Pakistani wedding, watch bukkake porn, and did we mention the bukkake porn? The 21st century – it’s just like they always said it would be at those world fairs!

Poor Newt does not understand, then, why we continue to call these magic machines “phones.” Isn’t there some other term that captures the sizzle, the razzle, the dazzle, the sizzle and jizzle of these devices that Newt thought would never exist until at least Buck Rogers’ time? He puts it to the public to come up with a fantastic name for the fantastic more-than-a-phone, because a great thinker and leader like Newt Gingrich cannot be bothered to think about anything going on in the country right now that might be a little more pressing.

On second thought, we remember what the country was like when Newt was putting his ideas into motion, so maybe it's better that he's spending his time on rebranding the cellphone and not, oh, anything else under the sun.

Anyway, let’s help Newt out! Here’s a few names to get everyone started:

  • Supercharged can-and-string
  • Professor McFuzzlewuzzle’s Fantast-O-Rama Computational Machine
  • The Actuarial
  • Thingie McWhatsit
  • The Dongle

Leave your own suggestions in the comments, and your Wonkette will pick the best one. The winner receives nothing.




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