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Take it off, sweetcheeks.


[contextly_sidebar id="6BEvVkJTyXNTrERQn7DrZh8VmMDjNcJ6"]Oh hey, Aaron Schock, long time, no see your perky, adorable Republican buttocks! Gosh, has it been a year since you were the most Millennial fashionista in Congress with the most elegant Downton Abbey office ever? It has! And in a year and a week, it will be the first anniversary of that time we found out you were spending taxpayer dollars on ANOTHER perky set of buttocks, named Jonathon with an "O." He was your "personal photographer"! You went on sexxxy trips around the world together! Oh, and a bunch of other times around then you got caught doing other VERY SHADY things with your campaign and taxpayer dollars. What fun it was!

But then you had to resign from Congress, due to all the #scandal. :(

And now you have hundreds of thousands in legal fees, due to all the #scandal. :(

[contextly_sidebar id="pSu782uZIwMJgiRjtTp0nofQWy7KCPdd"]Wouldn't it be nice if somebody would just pay all those legal fees, so that you might once again be able to prance around singing Taylor Swift songs, without a care in the world? Well TitanMen.com (NSFW!), a gay porning site featuring boys being boys, or so we've heard, has an offer you shouldn't refuse:

Gay Porn Powerhouse TitanMen.com(NSFW) has announced it will pay off the outstanding legal debt, up to $1,000,000.00, for former U.S. Congressman Aaron Schock if the rock-hard bodied Republican will agree to an exclusive contract to star in a series of hardcore TitanMen gay porn films. [...]

“TitanMen has a history of signing iconically handsome men with both brains and brawn, and Aaron Schock fits that profile to a ‘T’,” said TitanMen Vice-President and managing partner Keith Webb. “Despite Schock’s scandal over allegedly misappropriating campaign funds, he has so much more to offer our fans. What we’re offering is a win-win situation, giving him the opportunity to break free and come out in a whole new world!”

LOL they said "come out" like a gaysexual, and "a whole new world," like Aladdin, which is also pretty gay.

Aaron, as a fiscal conservative, you should find this offer to be LOVELY. Because this wouldn't be a hand-OUT -- it would be at LEAST one hand-JOB, if not many more! You would be pulling your legs up over your head, right by your bootstraps if that is what you would prefer! How about that? Bet you've got some cute new boots that would be just PERFECT.

This could even be the plot for the first in a long series called Trickle Down Cocko-nomics, about Republicans what have a "secret." Not that we're implying you have a secret, Aaron Schock.

We agree that this sounds like a win-win situation for everybody, so we'll anxiously await the release date for Aaron Schock Does So Many Guys, unless for some reason he doesn't accept, like if Jonathon with an "O" says he's not allowed.

Maybe Jonathon with an "O" might want to be in the movies too, who knows?

[TitanMen.com via Huffington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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