Nice Time! Hawaii Senator Brian Schatz Reads Josh Hawley For Filth

Nice Time! Hawaii Senator Brian Schatz Reads Josh Hawley For Filth

Let's get right to the Nice Time on this glorious Friday by watching Hawaii's Senator Brian Schatz barbecue self-righteous twerp Josh Hawley on the floor of the Senate. Mm, barbecue.

Schatz is one of the less well-known members of the Democratic caucus. He's not a member of leadership and doesn't get a lot of news coverage, even when he tells Mitch McConnell to pull his head back into his shell and think about what he's done. (Though he can be entertaining on Twitter, which these days is practically the most important congressional duty.) Maybe we should hear from him more often, he's good at the yelling and the telling Josh Hawley to fuck off and whatnot. Which is also one of the more important congressional duties of the day.

The context of this clip is that Hawley has placed a hold on President Joe Biden's nomination of Christopher Lowman as assistant secretary for sustainment at the Defense Department. The assistant secretary works on logistics and materiel readiness issues in moving anything related to the military all over the world -- troops, medical supplies, prostitutes, what have you. Just another one of those unglamorous government jobs the public never thinks about that is nonetheless tremendously important to the continued functioning of said government.

So Thursday, Schatz went on the floor to scold Hawley for putting a hold on Lowman's nomination at a time when the world has seen with Russia in Ukraine how poor logistics can derail a military. Ostensibly, Hawley put this hold in place because he's mad about Biden's Afghanistan policy. It seems unreasonable and silly to harm the military's readiness out of a sense of pique over something that doesn't involve logistics, but what you have to remember is that the Senate is stupid.

Schatz asked for unanimous consent to proceed with the nomination, to which Hawley spent several minutes responding. We will sum up his response here: "Blah blah I'm an ambitious dork who wants to be president and I love hearing my own voice and golly gee whillickers I'm doing this out of a sense of good old fashioned American righteousness and in no way because I'm a giant attention whore who loves doing Tucker Carlson hits." Or something to that effect.

That was when Schatz got maaaaad and told Hawley to stick it:

"This comes from a guy who just about a month ago voted against Ukraine aid ... and now he has the gall to say it's going too slow! And the final insult is what, until Secretary [of Defense] Austin resigns? That's not a serious request! People used to come to me during the Trump administration. 'Do you think Trump should resign? Do you think Tillerson should resign? That's a stupid — of course I think all the people I disagree with should quit their jobs and be replaced with people I love. But that's not how this world works."

The longer version is here if you want to see the entire painful exchange. Trigger warning: It contains, like, seven minutes of Josh Hawley yapping like an Alexa caught in a loop.

No word on how Hawley may have responded after getting seared like a nice piece of tuna, but we're assuming that, being Hawley, he primped in front of a mirror while telling his reflection, "Who's awesome? You're awesome!" Then he tried to high-five himself, fell over, hit his head, and is now in a coma. Please, dear God in whom we don't believe, let us have this.


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