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To be fair, Sipowicz only did that to a Mafia guy, who was askin' for it.


Warning: This story is gross and awful and no one with an ounce of decency should read it. Now that we have your attention, a San Antonio cop has been fired for "allegedly attempting to feed a fecal sandwich to a homeless person," and Jesus Christ that giant meteor can't get here soon enough.

The City Council was briefed on the firing in a private session Thursday, according to the San Antonio Express-News, and if you don't mind, we'll simply use their description here:

The officer reportedly placed fecal matter between two pieces of bread and gave it to a homeless person.

“Firing this officer was the right thing to do,” Mayor Ivy Taylor said in a statement to the San Antonio Express-News. “His actions were a betrayal of every value we have in our community, and he is not representative of our great police force.”

Police Chief William McManus and two boards comprising citizens and police officers have all agreed on an indefinite suspension for officer Matthew Luckhurst, a five-year veteran of the department. For the past year, or so, Luckhurst has been on SAPD’s downtown bike-patrol unit.

It is unclear whether Luckhurst will face any criminal charges in the July incident, since an investigation was unable to find the homeless victim of the alleged prank; at a minimum we'd like to see Luckhurst sentenced to remedial "How to be a human being" classes.

Luckhurst apparently told several other officers about what he'd done; some of those who heard the story were disgusted by Luckhurst's behavior and brought it to the attention of higher-ups. Needless to say, we also had to read this sentence:

The [city] official said the Police Department did not determine the source of the fecal matter in the sandwich.

Now, there are two sides to every story, and the probably lying side is represented by Luckhurst's attorney, Ben Sifuentes, who said Luckhurst had simply joked about having fed a shit sandwich to a homeless guy but never really did it, but through repetition, everyone thought he'd done it, and now the poor guy is being persecuted for a joke. Yeah, that's about the only possible defense, so go with it. While he's at it, perhaps Luckhurst should claim he was simply borrowing a plot point from an episode of NYPD Blue where Det. Andy Sipowicz, assigned to guard an insufferable Mob informant before he testifies, feeds the man a meatball sandwich with marinara sauce, where the meatballs were produced by the mobster's own pet bulldog on a walk. If nothing else, Luckhurst might look into suing Steven Bochco for ruining his career.

Luckhurst was fired after an investigation, and is now appealing to get his job back; the matter is likely to go to arbitration. Here's hoping they tell him to go engage in coprophagia.

Also, we should note that following the story, the Express-News's "MySA" quick-news site advises readers wishing to know more to "visit www.expressnews.com later or read the Saturday edition of the San Antonio Express-News." Unfortunately, the lead story and photo at that location at the moment is...

Thanks a hell of a lot, guys. We weren't planning on eating anything today anyway.

Note to our dear Terrible Ones: Yes, this Matthew Luckhurst guy did a pretty evil thing. Feel free to call him terrible names, but also take a moment to re-familiarize yourself with our Rules for Commenting Radicals, especially #2. It would be number two.

[mySA.com]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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