Nikki Haley Lies That Democrats So Bummed Soleimani Isn't Killing Us All Right Now
A recent SurveyMonkey/Axios poll of Republican voter preferences for the 2024 presidential election showed Donald Trump Jr. leading Nikki Haley 29 to 26 percent. Republicans can't get enough of the Trumps! Fortunately, the idiot son of a one-term Republican president could never actually win. We think. Still, Haley is probably worried. She's tried cozying up to the Trumps, but now she might have to "go full Trump" if she wants to win the White House. This explains a lot of the dumb, gross things she's said recently.
The dumbest and grossest, or at least the most recent, is Haley's observation this week that Democrats were devastated to learn that Trump had killed their BFF Iranian General Qasem Soleimani. This is a lie, and all reputable news organizations have pointed at Haley's pants and declared them on fire. Unfortunately, like her questionable defense of the Confederate flag, Haley has doubled down on her profile in dumbness. She released this garbage statement to The Dispatch.
HALEY: Mourning comes in different forms. It doesn't have to be literally crying over the casket like Ayatollah Khamenei. Leading Democrats are aggressively arguing that we would be better off if Qassem Suleimani was still alive today. That is effectively mourning his death.
See, Democrats don't have to "literally cry over the casket" like an aunt at a black funeral to "effectively" mourn his passing. Actions don't matter as much as the words Haley misrepresents, and she insists Democrats are playing Clarence the angel to Soleimani's George Bailey. They believe a world without the Iranian general is a horrible, nightmare state with pawn shops and dance halls.
Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden literally said "no American will mourn" Soleimani's passing, but Republicans would rather run against their favorite bogeyman, Ilhan Omar. She probably wept for Soleimani in an Instagram video while an American flag burned behind her.
Maybe Omar could've spent more time breakdancing on Soleimani's grave, but she's probably concerned about all the Americans who might die because Trump acted without a plan or foresight. However, Omar does say "assassination" while conservatives say "targeted killing." We should just call the whole thing off.
When Haley appeared on Sean Hannity's show, she said that America should come together in the spirit of ghoulishness and "celebrate" the death of someone they barely knew existed this time last week. That way lies fascism or at the very least the bad old days leading up to the invasion of Iraq.
HALEY: I will tell you right now, partisan politics should stop when it comes to foreign policy. This is about America united. This is a moment of strength for the United States.
Republicans like Haley -- so all of them -- will call Democrats un-American traitors or political opportunists if they dare criticize what passes for Trump's foreign policy, which is no more advanced than a child playing battleship in the tub. This is not the moment for "partisan politics." Now is the time for mindless jingoism. You're either "with" us or "against" us, and the only "us" that matters are Republicans.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).