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Why is Nikki Haley noping out of the UN ambassadorship by year's end? Dunno! But we've got 2,020 guesses!

This morning, the Axios shoe phone rang with the news that the well-oiled White House machine was losing one of the last "adults in the room." Moments after Jonathan Swan broke the scoop, Trump tweeted a summons for reporters to race upstairs for a presser on yet another successful resignation. They said it couldn't be done, no one ever had such tremendous staff turnover. But Trump proved the haters wrong! Winning!


Haley smiled for the cameras and insisted that she was definitely NOT considering a primary challenge to Trump. It's just time to go because, oh, so many reasons. Like she can think of two-thousand and twenty reasons right off the top of her head! And Americans have nothing to worry about, because she's leaving the nation's foreign affairs in the capable hands of Jared Kushner, "a hidden genius that no one understands."

Anyway, her departure has absolutely nothing to do with the ethics complaint filed YESTERDAY by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) over flights Haley and her husband took on private jets with "friends" who happened to be South Carolina businessmen who donated to her previous gubernatorial campaigns. So just put that -- and all the other members of the Trump swamp who got in trouble for their hinky first-class air travel -- right out of your filthy mind.

Here, have a palate-cleanser.

Now poor Ben will have to work that much harder to pretend that THIS IS ALL FINE!

It's not that Haley was a good ambassador, really. But we have to agree with Shapiro that her departure is not a positive thing. She's one of the few Trumplanders who do evil shit on purpose, rather than stumbling into it by accident while high on Fox and bootleg Viagra. If she was going to stab the Palestinians in the back, at least she let them know it was coming. She was terrible, but in an entirely predictable way, so you knew what to pack for your trip to hell.

God only knows what nightmare replacement Republicans will jam through in the lame duck session. Gorka? Yeezy? Javanka? So many bad, bad options, so little time. Because right after the midterms we'll be revving up for the 2020 presidential election. Which Nikki Haley will definitely not be participating in! She said so herself in this resignation letter. And we all know that politicians never lie, right? RIGHT?

[Axios]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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