Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was caught on camera chattin' up Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi at the G7 Summit in Germany, and he certainly appears to be holding a pack of cigarettes, doing that gesture where he's flipping open a pack to pull one out and light up. But is he really doing that? Hard to tell! Because yr Wonkette likes to think the best of people and doesn't like to jump to conclusions, what else might he be holding in his nicotine-stained hands?

1. An Obamaphone. Because duh, he has to stay in touch. Speed dial "1" for all his terrorist besties like Bill Ayers, speed dial "2" to every black person in America.

2. A scale model of a FEMA truck, the kind he will use to forcibly transport all Christian Texans to FEMA camps, for reprogramming.

3. A locket holding his REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE, which he must always hold near his presidential manbits, so Orly Taitz can't find it.

4. An empty pack of cigarettes, which he carries to remind himself that he hasn't had a smoke in 6 years, because mean First Lady Michelle Obama won't let him, except for how he maybe smoked cigarettes with Billy Joel in 2013, but come on, who DIDN'T smoke cigarettes with Billy Joel in 2013?

5. A small box of fresh arugula, for snacking, because he is an elitist who is better than normal lard-based Americans.

6. Bin Laden's ashes. WHY NOT, because he KILT THAT FUCKER DEAD.

7. Maybe it is an engagement ring, and Obama is going to get down on one knee and propose to the Italian Prime Minister, awwwww, young love!

8. An iPod, which the Secret Service loads up for him each day, featuring all the funniest American phone sex calls the NSA recorded the day before. Hey, Mr. President, you're gonna love when this dolt accidentally calls his girlfriend "Mom" during phone sex!

9. Cigarettes, but he's just holding them for Angela Merkel probably, because her mom stopped by to bring the lunchbox young Angela forgot at home, so she was like "SCHEIßE! Take these!" and tossed them to Obama. He's holding them for a friend!

In summary and in conclusion, Obama is smoking again, and he is going to be in BIG TROUBLE when he gets home.

[Instagram / The HillviaTaegan Goddard]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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