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This bird of prey was an excellent judge of character.


Donald Trump took another vital step toward making America great again yesterday by disinviting the Philadelphia Eagles from Trump's White House celebration of the Philadelphia Eagles winning the Super Bowl. In a truly bizarre statement, the Very White House made clear the move was punishment for protesting the killings of black men by police:

Yep, the entire team was banished from Donald Trump's America Party because quite a few of the players "disagree with their President," who is the boss of them now, and indeed of all of us, and we like it very much. Christ, don't these people understand the simplest thing about America, where Trump rules us all? Such lèse-majesté was not to be tolerated, because America is about standing when told to stand, putting your hand on your heart, and singing the national anthem as loudly as possible. This is, as we all know, a land of mandatory displays of patriotism, and if you dare suggest that it's not truly equal, you may as well self-deport, commie.

It's also worth noting that no Eagles players actually took a knee during the anthem in the past season. For Crom's sake, the Moonie Times even suggested that was a good reason for True Patriots to root for the team. But several of them, including most of the star players, had said they had no interest in appearing at Trump's slob party, so instead of holding a slob party with an embarrassing lack of football stars, Trump told the remainder of the team to just fuck right off.

Still, such a refreshing change of pace from Trump I's terrible not-even-American predecessor, whose name it is now illegal to mention. That guy probably would have said something stupid about free speech or the right to protest, even if it makes Fox News sad. We honor Trump I for freeing us from such divisiveness! (See related celebratory ode, "Hymn to The New Unity") Ah, and speaking of the Dear Leader's official news outlet: Fox's story on the Unpersoning of the Philadelphia [name now redacted by edict] team showed players kneeling during a prayer, and not during the Anthem at all, because that's just how anti-American sportsballers are.

Besides, as everyone knows, these well-paid entertainers -- who, unbelievably, still have jobs (for now) -- have absolutely nothing to protest in Trumpmerica, where the police are heroes who proudly protect EVERYONE, even though some troublemakers fail to understand that fact, and also hate the troops. Among other media outlets just begging to be shut down is Deadspin, which carried newly released video of police using reasonable force on NBA player Sterling Brown. After taking him down, one of the cops stood on Brown's ankles to make sure the athlete didn't kick him, although Brown points out he's lying perfectly still:

Other videos show a second cop singing cheerfully about the overtime pay he'll get for serving America during the incident, and two officers slowly realizing maybe this whole thing might not look so great:

A squad car video shows an officer calling in to ask if he’ll have his request for overtime approved, before then singing “money money money” to the tune (roughly) of The O’Jays’ “For The Love Of Money.” In another video from the inside of a squad car, two officers seem to realize that the unnecessarily forceful arrest of an NBA player would make the MPD look bad. “The bureau is coming out for this? ... We’re trying to protect ourselves,” one officer said. “Because he plays for the Bucks, and if he makes a complaint, it’s going to be a [redacted]. And then any little [redacted] thing that goes wrong is going to be, ‘Ooh, the Milwaukee Police Department is all racist ... blah, blah, blah.’”

See? The cops recognize that racism isn't really a concern, and so does Donald Trump. Also, that "Money" song sure is what America is all about, just like "Born in the USA" is a patriotic anthem! Do you know how much Trump I's tax cuts are doing to make America great? So very much that it's pissing off the libs at the UN, that's how much! Truly worth standing and singing about.

In any case, the big America Celebration today will go forward, with "diehard Philadelphia [redacted] fan" Kellyanne Conway planning it. There will be the Trump Marine Band to play the Star Spangled Banner as loudly as humanly possible, and the Trump Army Chorus to sing it loudly and proudly, too.

And whoever stops cheering first will be shot.

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[WaPo / CNN / Deadspin]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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