This bird of prey was an excellent judge of character.

Donald Trump took another vital step toward making America great again yesterday by disinviting the Philadelphia Eagles from Trump's White House celebration of the Philadelphia Eagles winning the Super Bowl. In a truly bizarre statement, the Very White House made clear the move was punishment for protesting the killings of black men by police:

Yep, the entire team was banished from Donald Trump's America Party because quite a few of the players "disagree with their President," who is the boss of them now, and indeed of all of us, and we like it very much. Christ, don't these people understand the simplest thing about America, where Trump rules us all? Such lèse-majesté was not to be tolerated, because America is about standing when told to stand, putting your hand on your heart, and singing the national anthem as loudly as possible. This is, as we all know, a land of mandatory displays of patriotism, and if you dare suggest that it's not truly equal, you may as well self-deport, commie.

It's also worth noting that no Eagles players actually took a knee during the anthem in the past season. For Crom's sake, the Moonie Times even suggested that was a good reason for True Patriots to root for the team. But several of them, including most of the star players, had said they had no interest in appearing at Trump's slob party, so instead of holding a slob party with an embarrassing lack of football stars, Trump told the remainder of the team to just fuck right off.

Still, such a refreshing change of pace from Trump I's terrible not-even-American predecessor, whose name it is now illegal to mention. That guy probably would have said something stupid about free speech or the right to protest, even if it makes Fox News sad. We honor Trump I for freeing us from such divisiveness! (See related celebratory ode, "Hymn to The New Unity") Ah, and speaking of the Dear Leader's official news outlet: Fox's story on the Unpersoning of the Philadelphia [name now redacted by edict] team showed players kneeling during a prayer, and not during the Anthem at all, because that's just how anti-American sportsballers are.

Besides, as everyone knows, these well-paid entertainers -- who, unbelievably, still have jobs (for now) -- have absolutely nothing to protest in Trumpmerica, where the police are heroes who proudly protect EVERYONE, even though some troublemakers fail to understand that fact, and also hate the troops. Among other media outlets just begging to be shut down is Deadspin, which carried newly released video of police using reasonable force on NBA player Sterling Brown. After taking him down, one of the cops stood on Brown's ankles to make sure the athlete didn't kick him, although Brown points out he's lying perfectly still:

Other videos show a second cop singing cheerfully about the overtime pay he'll get for serving America during the incident, and two officers slowly realizing maybe this whole thing might not look so great:

A squad car video shows an officer calling in to ask if he’ll have his request for overtime approved, before then singing “money money money” to the tune (roughly) of The O’Jays’ “For The Love Of Money.” In another video from the inside of a squad car, two officers seem to realize that the unnecessarily forceful arrest of an NBA player would make the MPD look bad. “The bureau is coming out for this? ... We’re trying to protect ourselves,” one officer said. “Because he plays for the Bucks, and if he makes a complaint, it’s going to be a [redacted]. And then any little [redacted] thing that goes wrong is going to be, ‘Ooh, the Milwaukee Police Department is all racist ... blah, blah, blah.’”

See? The cops recognize that racism isn't really a concern, and so does Donald Trump. Also, that "Money" song sure is what America is all about, just like "Born in the USA" is a patriotic anthem! Do you know how much Trump I's tax cuts are doing to make America great? So very much that it's pissing off the libs at the UN, that's how much! Truly worth standing and singing about.

In any case, the big America Celebration today will go forward, with "diehard Philadelphia [redacted] fan" Kellyanne Conway planning it. There will be the Trump Marine Band to play the Star Spangled Banner as loudly as humanly possible, and the Trump Army Chorus to sing it loudly and proudly, too.

And whoever stops cheering first will be shot.

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[WaPo / CNN / Deadspin]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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