No, For Real, Though, Is Donald Trump A Russian Intelligence Asset?

Donald and Melania Trump, probably.

Now look, we know we shouldn't even be writing this post, because the New York Times so COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY debunked any real connections between Russia and Donald Trump, and it definitely didn't have anything to do with how all these Trump/Russia stories came out at the same time, when these two Times reporters, Eric Lichtblau and Steven Lee Myers, weren't even finished with their big hot scoop story on Trump's connections to Russia. UNFAIR! So they called the FBI and got some bullshit non-exculpatory quotes and solved the case all by theirselves, decided there are definitely not any bad connections between Trump and Russia, case closed, let's go out for a beer and pat each other's fannies for a Job Well Did!

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Still, though. That David Corn story in Mother Jones, about how an old spy from a "Western country" with a really good reputation is pretty sure the Russian government has been "cultivating" and using Trump for years now? And the thing in Slate about how there is, for real, a secret server in Trump Tower that only communicates with Alfa Bank in Russia, that actually was reset and given a new name when reporters started asking questions? And the thing about how the FBI has opened an "inquiry" into former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort for his weird ties to Russia? And that thing where Sen. Harry Reid very vaguely suggested in his "fuck you" letter to FBI Director James Comey that the FBI is sitting on some truly explosive shit about Trump? THAT IS A LOT OF CURIOUS THINGS!

Contra the New York Times's surely excellent reporting, is it possible there is indeed a "there" there? Let's take a closer look at David Corn's Mother Jones piece and apply the old Wonkette #JustAskingQuestions treatment to it!

Maybe Donald Trump is for real Vladimir Putin's bitch.

When Corn asked the FBI if it's true that this old spy has been giving the FBI information, a spokesperson said, "Normally, we don't talk about whether we are investigating anything." When she said "normally," she was probably thinking about how last Friday, her boss Comey all of a sudden broke decades of protocol to fuck Hillary Clinton in the ear. But then another American intelligence official told Corn that yeah, buddy, this spy is legit as FUCK.

What the spy found, while working in the private sector for an American contractor, was that "there was an established exchange of information between the Trump campaign and the Kremlin of mutual benefit." WHOA IF TRUE! Here's a memo Agent X shared with the FBI, on what appears to be a Russian intelligence project that MAY OR MAY NOT be called Operation Orange Hands Much Tinier Than Giant Russian Bear Paws Of Vladimir Putin:

The first memo, based on the former intelligence officer's conversations with Russian sources, noted, "Russian regime has been cultivating, supporting and assisting TRUMP for at least 5 years.

FIVE YEARS AGO? That's funny, because that's when Trump's birther crusade happened. Just saying. Was he "cultivated" by Russia to go out and undermine the American president, perhaps because Orly Taitz was unmanageable?

Aim, endorsed by PUTIN, has been to encourage splits and divisions in western alliance." It maintained that Trump "and his inner circle have accepted a regular flow of intelligence from the Kremlin, including on his Democratic and other political rivals." It claimed that Russian intelligence had "compromised" Trump during his visits to Moscow and could "blackmail him." It also reported that Russian intelligence had compiled a dossier on Hillary Clinton based on "bugged conversations she had on various visits to Russia and intercepted phone calls."

OK! Wow! Let's put on our "I watched every episode of Alias TWICE" hats and thinker on this. Forget the hacking for a moment, because that could be a wholly separate but related project. Also, too, the New York Times says the hacking had nothing to do with helping Trump win, because OBVIOUSLY.

But is it possible that Trump, with or without his knowledge, has been an actual project of Russian intelligence? We highly doubt Trump would be smart enough to actually know he's a Russian asset, due to how he is just an egomaniacal moron who's willing to break bread with anyone who "says nice things about him." But David Corn's sources did say Trump and the Kremlin were exchanging information mutually. So maybe, in this scenario, Trump knows a little. That would explain why he hopped onstage a few weeks ago in Pennsylvania and regurgitated propaganda from Russian state-owned Sputnik like eight seconds after it was published, about how Hillary's email pal Sidney Blumenthal said Benghazi could have been prevented.

(Of course, Sputnik fucked that one up, as it was a quote from a much longer article by Newsweek's Kurt Eichenwald published by WikiLeaks. Sputnik even acknowledged its fuck-up and fixed the story, but by then Trump had already opened his mouth.)

It's also possible that Trump is actually wining and dining with some high-up Russians, considering those as yet unsourced reports being shared among intelligence folks on Twitter, saying the Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation (FSB) filmed Trump having a big gross orgy in Russia, and that that might be what the FSB had "compromised" him with and could use to "blackmail" him.

But maybe there's more to it than even Trump knows!

Could Donald Trump, stupid man that he is, be even more of a Russian puppet than he knows? Now, we're just spitballing here, but is there somebody very close to Trump, who happens to be from a former Eastern bloc country, who is VERY PRETTY in a Hot Dour Spy sort of way, and who could have access to the deepest bowels of the Trump empire? Yes, there is! Her name is Melania Knauss Trump, and if we were doing an international spy operation, she'd be the PERFECT person to send in and cultivate a gross dude like Trump as an asset. He spends his life groping his way around hot model ladies, and he'd never imagine a sexxxy Eastern European model might fall in love with him for any reason besides HE'S DONALD TRUMP, ANY QUESTIONS?

She hasn't been on the campaign trail much, you know. She says she's back in New York, being a good mommy and raising little Barron Trump, but that doesn't mean she couldn't have Other Duties as well, perhaps while the child is playing video games or sleeping. SOMEBODY went to the secret server room and reset the secret Russia-communicating server at Trump Tower. Is it possible Melania slithered like Russian cat into the room and reset the server while Trump was off campaigning?

JUST ASKING QUESTIONS. And before you say, "PFFFFT, she married him and bore his child, though," shut it. Some people APPLY THEMSELVES at their jobs, you know, and if your job is Secret Spy For Russia and you're deep undercover, you might just have to get pragnet for the cause.

Another possibility is that Ivanka Trump is the one who was recruited by the Russian government to be a spy, which is why she puts up with her dad saying such gross things about her sex body.

Regardless, this shit is all fucked up, yo!

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]As Josh Marshall points out at Talking Points Memo, regardless of whether these reports are true, fucking true, or only half-true, it's indisputable that Trump's campaign stances have been all the way up Russia's ass. Encouraging Russia to hack Hillary Clinton, then pretending no one knows who's doing the hacking, acting like Russia is the REAL freedom fighter in Syria, taking Putin's side on Ukraine, and just in general licking Putin's taint every chance he can -- these are all things right in front of everybody's face that suggest that, oh yeah, Trump is SOME SORT of tool of Russia, whatever the true extent of it is.

(The GOP, of course, doesn't seem to care about any of this, as it's been blocking congressional inquiries into Trump's Russian ties. Their hatred for Hillary supersedes their love of country, full bore.)

In David Corn's piece at Mother Jones, a Harry Reid spokesperson says the good retiring senator has seen enough information about this stuff that he's "confident that he knows enough to be extremely alarmed." We kinda are too! Even without all our wild speculation about Melania Trump being her husband's longtime FSB handler and Trump being a longterm project of the Russian government, shit is fucked up and bullshit, you know?

Anyway, this post has been another episode of Wonkette Is Just Asking Questions.

Now we have to BRB because there is a mysterious Russian-type person following us to our car, dunno why, it's probably nothing, unless it's that we now KNOW TOO MUCH.

[Mother Jones]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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