Non-Elitist Washington Times Very Unhappy Government Elites Invented 'Honey Boo Boo'

We already knew that the federal government was just the very most awfulest thing in the whole wide world, what with its elitist, know it all, better than us attitude, and taking away our guns and soda-pops and making us use free slut pills for our abortions every day, while giving all our tax moneys to poors who love being poor so much. But did you also know they love mind-fucking us through our teevees? Oh yes, it is true!We read so in The Washington Times. And we should be so insulted:

America, if you want to know what the establishment media and the beneficent federal government think of you, tune your television sets in to “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

Um, Honey what now? We do sound terrible. Tell us, Charles Hurt, how are the government elites putting us down this way? And we are sure you will not be elitist at all in the telling.

Honey Boo Boo is the main character. She is a little girl endlessly exploited by her family in beauty pageants, and she never shuts up. She is always saying things that her obese mother, her grossly overweight sisters and her toothless father apparently find amusing.

It appears that no one on the program actually works for a living, other than to exploit the child in beauty pageants. Now, of course, they are exploiting the whole family with the show on the “Learning” Channel, an entity that, by the way, was founded by the federal government in 1972 to educate the poor masses.

Well you got us there, Charles Hurt. No one in that family, who all sound like they might be fat or something? works, except that toothless dad person (he is a chalk miner) and God knows stay at home moms are just the worst. And yes, The Learning Channel was started by the federal government in 1972 - by the evil-doers at the Department of Health, Education, and Welfare, and also NASA, as the insidiously thought-controlling "Appalachian Community Service Network" in an effort to provide really, exceptionally, way-poor people with "educational" programming. Those bastards. Of course that channel was privatized in 1980 and turned into TLC, but once the taint of NASA trying to educate poors has gotten on something, nothing can get the stank off, not even purely market driven programming for 33 fucking years.

But do not let that stop you from coming up with as many ways as you can to politicize a thing that is not a thing, Charles Hurt, not when there are false premise "fuck the government" metaphors to be made!

As with most government programs, the result is incestuously stupid, lazy and hopeless people who cannot roll themselves off the bed long enough to find a job and buy a better house that doesn’t rattle violently every time a train goes by.

Haha these people should really get a better house and stop being so incestuous. Then maybe non-elitists like Charles Hurt wouldn't have to make fun of them for being as stupid, lazy, hopeless (and did he mention too fat to roll their fatness out of bed?) as every other government program ever.

You know who Charles Hurt thinks you should aspire to be, Honey Boo Boo? The very polite duck-call making millionaire folks on that other insanely popular show about people from the south who talk funny, "Duck Dynasty," that is who! Even though we have read things that make Honey Boo Boo's family seem kinda nice, Duck Dynasty is on a real channel, A&E, a wholly owned subsidiary of the never evil Disney Company, and also the Hearst Corporation, whose very polite and family oriented Cosmopolitan magazine has been providing Americans with very important blow job advice since the '60s.

And the Robertson family on Duck Dynasty have one other thing going for them:

Unlike Honey Boo Boo, who was wildly celebrated in the media when she endorsed President Obama for re-election, the Robertsons steer far clear of overt politics. But even that — in this day and age — is a pretty stark political statement in itself.

In one episode aired recently, the patriarch observed: Uptown living, you’ve got to call 911. Where I am, I am 911.

So yeah, you fat kid with your fancy emergency Obama-phone 911-calling abilities, just stop ruining America and make with some self sufficient duck calls already, and also be a millionaire. Then maybe non-elitist Charles Hurt won't have to come down on you with false premise arguments for being so elitist (and fat).

[] with another H/T to chascates, without whom none of this would have been possible. Thanks a lot chascates.


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