None Of These Woke Appliances Can Handle My Ginormous MAGA Dumps!
Last month, the US Department of Energy proposed new energy efficiency standards for washing machines, refrigerators, and standalone freezers, the first update in energy efficiency rules for those appliances in a decade. The new standards may actually come into effect in 2027, giving manufacturers time to reengineer product lines to meet them. The DOE generally reviews efficiency standards every six years, but Donald Trump tried to roll back all the standards when he was in office, so the new proposed rules are a bit behind schedule.
In a statement, the DOE said the new standards would reduce home energy costs and significantly reduce pollution. The news release noted that since regularly updated energy standards went into place more than 40 years ago,
Today, the typical new refrigerator uses 75% less energy than its 1973 counterpart—while offering roughly 20% more storage capacity and more useful features. In that 40-year span, DOE raised the efficiency standard for refrigerators three times. Similarly, today’s clothes washers use 70% less energy than in 1990 and offer 50% more tub capacity. The new proposed rules will continue this trajectory of innovation and savings.
Or at least that's what the woke mob of communists bent on controlling every aspect of your lives wants you to believe. Thank goodness, Fox News and other rightwing outfits are here to counter all that green woke Critical Fridge Theory with good old fear and distrust, coming straight from industry lobbyists who would rather not change anything because it would cut into profits. Or rather, thank goodness Fox News is willing to crib generously from a Washington Free Beacon story sourced mostly to industry shills and also a Heritage Foundation shill, as if there were a lot of difference.
Still, chootz-pah points to whoever at Fox came up with this attention-grabbing headline:
Credit where due, we suppose: At least Fox notes right up front that the claims are coming from the manufacturers, who of course only have consumers' best interests at heart.
No such distinction from Fox's on-air talkers, who just know for sure that this is all a lot of foolishness, because just look how terrible these new appliances are (the ones that won't be on the market for at least four years). Here's some chat from Fox's "Outnumbered" yesterday, with the hosts getting very upset about how hypocritical energy efficiency is, because you have to wash everything twice to actually get it clean, and how does that save any energy or water at all?
A quick census of the Wonkette Sekrit Chatcave didn't turn up any members of the staff who need to run clothes more than once through the washer; only one of us has a washer that's more than 10 years old. This was not, however, a scientific survey. But if the appliance industry warns that we'll all be dirty and smelly under these regulations, it must be true!
Harris Faulkner asked, "if in fact you're doing it longer and you're not getting the clothes as clean ... aren't you breaking with the regulations for usage?" See, Joe Biden wants to force us to become criminals! (Fact check: The energy efficiency standards are for manufacturers. You won't be arrested if you run your washer twice, although that really shouldn't be necessary anyway.)
That was the springboard for a lot more condemnation of how terrible energy saving is, and did you know you aren't even allowed to plug in your EV in California for more than 10 minutes (no idea where she got that one), "so where am I going, the driveway and back??!?" Faulkner summed up, "It makes no sense! It's like they're punching each other in the face, but they're hitting us!"
That was followed by Tall Beardy Guy, who made a funny joke about how "Before long, you'll have to say your preferred pronouns to get the dishwasher to work," and wow, liberals aren't just stupid and hypocritical, they're tyrants! He just wants high pressure shower heads to come back, and nothing even works, and the Green Agenda is taking over!
Also, Biden is still coming for your gas stove!!!!! (Fun fact: Gas stoves are most popular in blue states. So hey, Fox, thanks for making gas stoves a rightwing avatar; it may help more libs go with induction stoves instead. Did we mention: There's a tax credit!)
The new energy standards were clearly in the Memo of the Day for Fox News yesterday; here's Sean Hannity leading a panel with failed Michigan gubernatorial candidate Tudor Dixon, about how those crazy climate alarmists want you to be dirty and smelly because they're just monsters.
Hannity asked, "First they want my stove, now they want my dish washer, what's next? They gonna take away my iron next? I dunno."
This is where we remind you that new energy efficiency standards do not actually require the seizure of old appliances, and never have. My old apartment had a 30-year-old fridge whose tiny freezer compartment had to be manually defrosted. No one came for it, not even when I asked the landlord.
Dixon was ready with a whole monologue about all the mom work she does, and how nothing is ever clean anymore since President Joe Biden stole Obama's time machine and started requiring water-saving toilets and shower heads in 1992.
"I do laundry for six people every week, and so I know a little bit about this, and the last thing I need is my laundry taking longer. I'm already dealing with a low flow shower head and my kids are coming out with conditioner smashed to their heads like an old Seinfeld episode and I have to tell them to get back in and re-wash. I can't even flush my toilet one time to get toilet paper down because it's a low-flow toilet. I don't need a low-flow washing machine, that's ridiculous!"
Apparently every one of these idiots have been buying Donald Trump's old toilets that you have to flush a dozen times. That, or maybe they're pooping in their clothes because of the woke toilets and then the woke washers are failing to wash all the MAGA poop out of their clothes.
In conclusion, MAGA world is stuck in an old Dave Barry column about low-flow toilets from 1994, only not funny, and the poor dears will just be going around all stinky and dirty because the appliance manufacturers really hope they won't have to modernize their products, the end.
[Utility Drive / Department of Energy / Washington Free Beacon / Fox News / Click on Detroit / Image generated in StableDiffusion 2.1 AI]
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.