Now Sarah Huckabee Sanders Is Yelling At Fox, That Is How Bad Her Job Sucks Now :(

The White House Press Briefing was SALTY yesterday! At her first presser since the Parkland school shooting, Russian indictments, and her boss's four-day Twitter bender, Sarah was rocking the pearls and ready to rumble. She's got lies, Mister, and she's not afraid to use 'em!

Here, you can watch it yourself if you want to. Which, trust us, YOU DON'T.

So, Russia ... not a hoax, right?

Care to comment on those indictments, Sarah?

And the President has acknowledged that multiple times before. He acknowledged it during the transition, he acknowledged it during a press conference in Poland, and he acknowledged it for a third time at a press event in Poland.


He has stated several times — I think one of the places where you guys seem to get very confused, and it seems to happen regularly — the President hasn’t said that Russia didn’t meddle.

Oh, now you're not even trying!

What he is saying is it didn’t have an impact, and it certainly wasn’t with help from the Trump campaign.

It’s very clear that Russia meddled in the election. It’s also very clear that it didn’t have an impact on the election. And it’s also very clear that the Trump campaign didn’t collude with the Russians in any way for this process to take place.

That's the spirit! Just keep saying that, even when they're hauling them off in cuffs! NO RUSSIA! NO RUSSIA! YOU'RE THE COLLUSION?

How 'bout we implement those Russia sanctions then?

Since we're all in agreement now that Russia ratfucked our election. Oh, sorry TRIED to ratfuck our election. We are so regularly confused!

Well, there’s a process that has to take place, and we’re going through that process. That law also says that the countries have to violate something in order for those sanctions to go in place. And that hasn’t necessarily happened.

MA'AM! The House and Senate voted 517-5 in favor of you setting up a sanctions regime by the end of January, and instead you guys came out and announced that Vladimir Putin was a-shakin' in his boots with fear at the mere threat of sanctions. So you figured he'd already learned his lesson real good, and no sanctions would be needed!

Besides which, the intelligence agencies are all in agreement that Russia tried to hack our elections. Also, too Robert Mueller just indicted 13 Russians on Friday. What further proof are you looking for?

There are a number of places that Obama was too weak and refused to take and put pressure on Russia, where this President has.

Obama? That's what you're going with here? Really?

He has been tougher on Russia in the first year than Obama was in eight years combined. He’s imposed sanctions; he’s taken away properties; he’s rebuilt our military. He has done a number of things to put pressure on Russia and to be tough on Russia.

We think Sarah Huckabee Sanders confused "took away properties" with "tried to give them back again but couldn't," but on the other hand it is true, Obama is black! So, POINT TAKEN.

Hey, was Trump joking when he blamed the school shooting on the Russia investigation, because that shit is CRAZY?

Now we know Poppy gets cranky when he can't golf in Florida because of those pesky dead children. Mar-a-Lago is like soooo boooring during the day when you can't even crash a party or anything. It's only natural that the president would spend his free time watching television and shit-tweeting at Adam Schiff. But maybe this one was a little bit much?

I think he’s making the point that we would like our FBI agencies to not be focused on something that is clearly a hoax, in terms of investigating the Trump campaign and its involvement.

Oh, that's okay then. The president is just suggesting that Robert Mueller should wrap up his investigation of his son, son-in-law, lawyer, campaign manager, national security advisor, foreign policy advisor, and businesses. FOR THE CHILDREN.

What about Jared's security clearance?

We hear John Kelly's tightening up those clearance requirements since you had to fire the wifebeater. Is Kush going to keep hoovering up classified info, or nah?

I can’t answer whether someone has a security clearance or not, as we’ve addressed many times before, but I can tell you that nothing that has taken place will affect the valuable work that Jared is doing. He continues, and will continue, to be a valued member of the team. And he’ll continue to do the important work that he’s been focused on with the last year.

BOLD MOVE! Let's pretend we don't know about Jared's inability to get a bigboy security clearance because he had to revise his disclosure form one millionty times.

Reporter: Would the President consider granting Mr. Kushner a full clearance, even if the red flags in his background check suggested otherwise?

MS. SANDERS: First of all, I’m not aware of any red flags, and I think it’s irresponsible to suggest that without having seen any individual’s file. And secondly, I haven’t spoken to the President about whether or not that would be necessary.

But again, as I said, Mr. Kushner’s work that he has done will not be impacted. And he’s going to continue to do the work that he’s done over the last year.

Sure Kusher's training pants clearance has been reported by the Times for an entire year and the White House has never denied it. But go right ahead and holler at that reporter for slandering Mr. PullUps. No wonder the White House Press Corps loves you, Sarah!

Lightning Round!

FBI Director Wray getting fired? No.

Scott Pruitt getting fired? No.

David Shulkin getting fired? No.

H.R. McMaster getting fired? No.

How come Trump only tweets mean shit at Americans not Russians? Nuh uh! We released a statement with his name on it that said RUSSIA DIDN'T EFFECT THE ELECTION BUT IS STILL BAD.

Want to finish up by getting into a pissing match with reporter John Roberts from Saint Rupert's Church of Sacred Propaganda?

Roberts: And on the broader problem of deranged individuals getting a hold of weapons and killing people indiscriminately, does he have any ideas on how to deal with this?

Sanders: Look, we’re having — again, that’s part of a lot of the conversations that we’re going to have over the next —

Roberts: Which suggests he started from scratch here.

Sanders: — on mental illness.

Roberts: If he has to listen to a bunch of people, and he doesn’t have any ideas of his own, that would suggest that he doesn’t have any ideas.

Sanders: That’s not what I said. You’re taking my words out of context.

Roberts: Well, could you explain it?

Sanders: Well, I was trying to before you interrupted me.

Roberts: Well, go ahead.

Off to re-education camp with you, John! Donald Trump has all the best ideas, and Sarah Sanders is the honestest Press Secretary yet!

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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