The 2015 NRA Convention concluded this weekend in Nashville, and despite the fact that attendees were not allowed to carry their guns every single place they wanted, even if they thought they saw an ISIS or a black person, the convention reportedly went off without a hitch! Or a safety! In fact, the convention seems to have gone off in the pants of many of the speakers and attendees, but in a good way! Let's enjoy some jizz-soaked highlights, which are the natural product of what happens when so much gun-humping happens in one place.


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The event was naturally a magnet for all the current passengers in the GOP presidential clown car, and the election was on everyone's minds, especially since known liberal ladyparts-haver Hillary Clinton had the stones to announce her presidential campaign right in the middle of the nation's largest annual semiautomatic bukkake party. Clinton's announcement reportedly turned the event into an "anti-Hillary rally," as speakers rushed to be the one to condemn her hardest and bestest. NRA President Wayne LaPierre told everyone that a Hillary Clinton presidency would send America flying into a “permanent darkness of deceit and despair," which sounds pretty bad! We bet at least 250 of the attendees nudged their neighbors each time Hillary Clinton's name was spoken and said "haw haw more like Hitler-y!", adjusting their crotch guns with self-satisfaction at the totally original joke they all made.

But don't think LaPierre doesn't have his OWN sense of humor about all this, because he made the most hilarious joke of them all, when, in reference to all of Clinton's "scandals" like EmailGate, he said that Clinton "has more gates than a South Texas cattle ranch." We get it, because there are a lot of gates at the cattle ranches! Our sides are to be splitting, truly.

LaPierre memorably told the crowd that "eight years of one demographically symbolic president is enough," essentially arguing that okay, okay, this whole "elect a black or a lady" thing was fun, but let's stop being silly and put a real, white, male leader in there.

This was all very funny because known black presidential candidate Ben Carson also spoke to the crowd, but c'mon, all patriotic Americans know that Ben Carson is not the kind of black man the NRA is afraid of. He believes all the same things they do! Indeed, he shits his pants in rhythm with them, telling the crowd that all the ISIS terrorists are sneaking through the US-Messican border, and that "when they get here," we all better have guns to fight them, because pansy Obama won't do it. We guess Carson said "when they get here" because they're currently still hovering around southern Texas, much like killer bees in the 1980s.

We definitely know that Obama isn't equipped to handle the southern terrorist invasion, which IS TOO happening, because as we reported earlier, Donald Trump explained to the crowd that Obama doesn't even know the right acronym for "ISIS." You can't defeat a terrorist threat if you say it wrong, which we guess is why Bush never found Saddam's nuclear weapons.

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LaPierre also calmly informed the attendees that the next 650 days are the MOST DANGEROUS EVER for their right to hump as many guns as they want, without government intervention, because Barack Obama still has 650 days left in office to do all the things LaPierre has been saying he's going to do, when suckering the morons for donations:

“The next 650 days are the most dangerous days in history for the Second Amendment and for our personal freedom. That’s how long President Obama has left. Between now and the day he leaves office, he has 650 days to do whatever he wants to whomever he wants. He disregards the Constitution. He ignores his oath of office. He snubs Congress. And he dismisses the majority will of the American people.

For nearly seven years now, the president has forced his transformation down America’s throat, and our nation is choking on it. As he prepares to leave office, and leave his final legacy, there’s no telling how far President Obama will go to dismantle our freedoms and reshape America into an America that you and I will not even recognize.”

There's NO TELLING what President Obama is going to do! He's never done anything to take away our precious penis-substitutes, but he's gonna! Probably! Sometime in the next 650 days! Jizz the insides of your overalls with fear! We also must say how funny it is that every time a conservative freaks out about ANYTHING, it always involves throat-cramming. Every metaphor these people make involves the big throbbing blowjobs they definitely do NOT want to give each other when they go back to the hotel.

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Ted Cruz and Scott Walker also reportedly talked to the crowd, receiving what USA Today calls "roars," from idiots who don't even know they're being stump-speeched at. Cruz told them that he is the only real conservative in the race, because, where other candidates simply OPPOSE Obamacare, Cruz is the only one to repeatedly fail in his efforts to repeal it. Those other dudes didn't even try!

Not in attendance? Rand Paul, who Wasn't. Even. Invited. We're pretty sure that may be Rand Paul's biggest fuckup of his first week running for president, that he is such a loser that the NRA didn't even ask him to stop by. Sadface.

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And of course, there was Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke, whom Right Wing Watch describes as an "emerging conservative folk hero," explaining that what we really need to do is put a semi-automatic gun on the Great Seal of the United States, held by the bald eagle. It's currently holding arrows, but arrows are super lame and don't make that "POW!" sound, we guess.

You know, that's a great idea, except it's already been decided that the arrows are going to be replaced with a gay wedding cake. Sorry, NRA! Anyway, good convention, everyone, now go back home and try to get that sticky stuff off all your guns.

[Think Progress/Reverb Press/Right Wing Watch]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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