Obama Endorses Ted Cruz (For Dictator Of Cuba)

[contextly_sidebar id="SwCAIAuXo8MT3IrUftaXFM8MoSlquhmq"]Ted Cruz woke up to the news that there had been a bombing that killed so many white people. "YES!" said Ted Cruz, pumping his fist like he saw people do in movies and because he's a dork. "THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY!" Now people would finally understand that there was only one Republican hard-assed enough to take on the terrorists. (That Republican was Hillary Clinton.) But a funny thing happened on the way to all the Republicans saying "oh our bad, we realized Donald Trump is a big dummy who can't foreign policy good and now we will all flock to you, Ted Cruz, the one true light of American conservatism and hard-assery," and that funny thing was that Ted Cruz opened his mouth, and horrible things fell out if it, and we are not talking about that booger, we are talking about his words!

 
 Even grosser than that.

[contextly_sidebar id="yQ9ii5vAO7mpnm5EWSwdv1ZvOKPJYwBj"]Here is what Ted Cruz said:  

We need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized.

And everybody gave him the benefit of the doubt and said "well maybe he meant 'patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods' in Brussels and Paris and stuff but definitely not, like, here" even though the preceding lines were about what we should do "here," but hell, maybe he just doesn't write real good. (He doesn't write real good. He thought the moral of Green Eggs And Ham was "don't try new things." I think maybe his parents never read to him.) So he released another statement (it was the day's FOURTH) saying, "By the way, and just to clarify, I was totally talking about Muslims in America, so get ready for your closeup, Dearborn, Michigan, I am lookin' at you."

[contextly_sidebar id="jyGil8DtHcXm8wLb7JxMtAOCoRLEiMbr"]Now, this was weird even for Ted Cruz! Republicans and even Ted Cruz are nominally AGAINST a police state and FOR religious liberty (LOLOLOL just kidding) and that's why they want you to have your anti-police-state arsenal all lubed up and ready to go, and also to never have anything burden your right to make sure your employees can't get slut pills. I mean, they never shut up about it!

But here was Ted Cruz telling American Muslims he would send in police to police them in their neighborhoods, and then doubling down on it, because he is a bad person, and also an asshole.

And then everyone said "gee Ted Cruz, are you really sure you want to be this much of an asshole?" And Ted Cruz said "yes," and then the real president, Barack Obama, called him a fascist. No! Really! He did!

"As far as the notion of having surveillance of neighborhoods where Muslims are present, I just left a country that engages in that kind of neighborhood surveillance, which, by the way, the father of Sen. Cruz escaped for America, the land of the free," he said.

Aiyee! El Cubano es en fuego! Con votes!

[contextly_sidebar id="zg72LZvRV6fG62nxzmsXDT3a0HWhEeer"](See, Barack Obama was just in Cuba, where the usual gang of idiots was whining and mewling because he "met with a dictator," which is only OK when Ronald Reagan does it, because reason. And Ted Cruz's father is from Cuba, which kind of has a dictator, which Ted Cruz's father never shuts up about, and also those same idiots never shut up about what a dictator Barack Obama is, because once he added $4 to your Obamaphone bill.) 

(OK, that is not the exact same idiot, because that idiot is in prison. Which just goes to prove Obama is a tyrannical dictator after all!)

But while it is fun for un-American communists like you to watch the real president sick-burn Ted Cruz and call him no better than a common Castro, we are sad to report that the real president is actually incorrect.

He forgot to call Ted Cruz's daddy a dry drunk.

[ NBC via Esquire ]