Obama Nearly Killed By Basketball

America's least favorite current president, Barack Obama, was nearly murdered in a basketball game today. He got 12 stitches! Apparently his face got in a fight with somebody's elbow -- maybe belonging to that Reggie Love character? -- and next thing you know Joe Biden was about this close to nuking Alaska.

Remember when Obama used to seem graceful and whatever? Now he is just a dumb klutz like George W. Bush and Bill Clinton and Gerald Ford. Maybe the White House really does turn everyone into an amoral idiot (if they weren't an amoral idiot the day they took office, like Nixon).

America was kept in the dark for many hours while the fate of Earth was in the hands of whatever drunken surgeon was called in to sew up the president's head:

"After being inadvertently hit with an opposing player's elbow in the lip while playing basketball with friends and family, the president received 12 stitches today administered by the White House Medical Unit," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said, according to NBC News.

Gibbs did not release the names of the people playing with the president.

Bin Laden, probably. Stock markets collapsed worldwide, not specifically because of this but just because of everything, because Jesus Christ .... [MSNBC/Marketwatch]


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