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Obama Performs Obligatory Turkey Pardon For America's Grandmas

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SURPRISE, Obama did the dumb turkey pardon thing today. So now those two fowls will live out their days in uninterrupted luxury in Gitmo. Administration Cute Czar Sasha and Cuter Czar Malia were on hand because this sort of thing is supposed to be cute. But that didn't stop serious op-ed writers from criticizing him because he doesn't seem to enjoy this pointless dumb thing that is only done so America's grandmothers can get a photo of it and post it on the fridge.


Ugh! Shut up, dad.

But the look on his face was that of a man trying to be patient as he considered all the far more important things he had to do that day. This year, Obama cracked a few jokes, but it still appeared that he'd rather be focusing on something more substantive.

Ugh! Shut up, grandma. You can't make Barry enjoy this. This guy really can't win, no matter what he does. NOT ALL OF US ARE RETIREES WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON OUR HANDS. SOME OF US ARE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES. GO PLAY SLINGO ON THE COMPUTER, GRANDMA. [U.S. News]

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Barack Obama delivered his first major address of his post-presidency Tuesday at an event in Johannesburg, South Africa, honoring the 100th anniversary of Nelson Mandela's birth. It was -- as you'd expect for the occasion -- appropriately dignified and thoughtful. It was also every bit as inspiring as you might expect from the first black American president speaking in memory of the first black president of a nation that for most of its modern history was synonymous with apartheid. Let's take some time to bask in what an actual world leader sounds like, shall we?

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Guess what Vladimir Putin's getting for Christmas! He's been dropping hints, and you know the Big Orange Baboon can't say no to him for some unknown reason. Gonna be so cute when little Vladdy stumbles down the stairs in his PJs, brushes the sleep from his eyes, and finds MONTENEGRO all wrapped up with a big bow under the Christmas tree. Adorbz!

Oh, but we are to kid! Just a little levity as President Treasonweasel slams a sledgehammer into the international framework that kept us out of another world war for the past 70 years. So why are we suddenly talking about a tinyass country whose chief export appears to be consonants? (Sorry, Montenegro. But your Predsjednik Crne Gore is Milo Đukanović, and your capital city is Cetinje, which is just cheating at Scrabble.)

Well! Donald Trump just got out of a two-hour, closed-door meeting with Vladimir Putin, whose government tried to stage a coup in 2016 to assassinate Đukanović and stop Montenegro's accession to the European Union. Which might not be a coincidence!

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