Obama's Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!
President Barry H. Bamz Obama recently announced a plan to give free community college to everyone who promises to do their homework on time and not fail all the classes. Edumacation is good, and free is good too, since kids these days are drowning in student loan debt, which is bad. (Elizabeth Warren says so, and she knows everything. Don't argue.) And besides, all the other cool countries are doing it, which might have something to do with why all their kids are smarter at doing the math and the reading and the science than our kids.
As the president further explained in his State of the Union address on Tuesday night, we let our kids go to high school for free, so really, why not let 'em go to community college for free too, without having to go bankrupt while doing some college-learnin'? Because, he said, "too many bright, striving Americans are priced out of the education they need. It's not fair to them, and it's sure not smart for our future."
Good point! Good plan! We like it. Who wouldn't? Ha, like you even have to ask.
On Wednesday's Fox & Friends, we got schooled by Steve Doocy (the blond one) and Elisabeth Hasselbeck (the other blond one) and Brian Kilmeade (the non-blond one) on just how wrong and UNFAIR! the president's plan is.
Let's pause right there because we have a few questions. First, Steve Doocy went to college? REALLY? Second, he only paid off his college loans two weeks ago? The Wikipedia, which never gets anything wrong, says he was born in 1956, so unless he put off getting his college degree at the University of Kansas for, like, a reallllly long time, shouldn't those loans have been paid off by now? And especially because he is also an employee of Fox, where we assume he is paid more than the minimum wage because everyone knows only teen-agers flipping burgers over the summer get paid the minimum wage, shouldn't he have been able to pay off those presumably decades-old loans, like, you know, before two weeks ago? Oh, and a third question: Why exactly does it bother him so much that kids of the future would be able to receive a basic starter education without it taking them, like, their entire lives to pay it off the way he apparently did?
Naturally, co-host Elisabeth thinks Steve is really speaking for the common Real Americans out there who would agree that it is UNFAIR! to let their kids get a free education if Steve had to pay for his.
You’re speaking from the heart of the dads and moms out there who are feeling the same way. Wait a second, now we’re paying for more college tuition for someone else to the tune of $60 billion.
No, you wait a second there, Elisabeth. Because we're pretty sure you haven't actually talked to the dads and moms out there who are up all night trying to figure out how to send Junior to college and probably think the president's plan sounds pretty good to them, ACTUALLY.
Steve does agree that yes, maybe it's a "great deal," but he has a super important question: "Who's going to pay for that?"
Dunno, Steve, maybe we can find the extra cash from the same magic pot of magic money where we pay for our wars and our tax cuts for rich people and the House of Representatives filing frivolous lawsuits against the president for presidenting while president? Or maybe check the banana stand. There's always money there.
Co-host Brian Kilmeade is sure this whole "free college" idea is totally unnecessary anyway because the majority of college students already receive some sort of aid, which is basically the same thing as college being free already. Except for how it's not, but what does he know? Maybe he didn't get a super-expensive college education like Steve did.
"I imagine," Brian says, "if you want to go to college, you could get a part-time job and make that tuition payment even without a loan, which is available to you, and even without grants that you might be eligible for."
Sure, that makes sense -- as long as you haven't looked up the cost of a college education recently. Or hell, even just the cost of textbooks. But flip some burgers, mow some lawns, and you can do it all on your own. Just like Steve didn't.
However, Elisabeth points out that kids who graduate from college are still total idiots who don't know nothin' 'bout nothin', so what is even the point of college anyway? Let's not even bother. Or, as Steve suggests:
So maybe one thing we should think about doing is, since, in many cases, the students are not prepared for college, maybe we need to do a better job in high school and before to get them ready for college so they graduate and go get the good jobs.
Hmm. Maybe if we do better at learning our kids in high school -- which is free -- and don't teach them things like "science is a liberal hoax" and "Jesus was a founding father," they'd be even readier for college, which should not be free, and then they can go get the better jobs. Like, maybe as a co-host on Fox News, where it'll only take the better part of your life to finally be able to pay off those loans you had to take out to pay for it.
No, it doesn't make sense. But at least it's a lot more fair to Steve Doocy. And really, American dads and moms out there, isn't that what really matters?