While you were trying to pry off your frozen Depends in the backseat of the 1987 Plymouth K-Car you call home, fancy Afro-Hawaiian Barack Obama and his family of vegetable-grazing elitists were worshiping the Hawaiian Shark God at the heretical abomination known as "Christmas in Hawaii."

Look at these people, in their board shorts and aloha shirts, sipping "communion Mai Tais" from the ceremonial skull of a lu ow pig. How is this even Christmas? Did the Baby Lord Jesus kick back on the sand while a sultry breeze warmed his tiny holy testicles? Yes he did, because the Baby Lord Jesus was born in the desert in springtime, ha ha ha, if there ever was a Jesus. One thing we know about for sure, however, is that the Shark God is real and true and we must sacrifice one Australian to this One Real God every year or so, to keep the Earth from being fed to the Sun. [Twitpic because the White House has abandoned Flickr?]