Of Course God Is Murdering Bald Eagles To Show He Hates Abortion

every time you have an abortion, god kills another eagle

Last weekend, 13 bald eagles were found dead at a farm in Maryland. Now, most people, upon hearing that, would likely assume one of three broad categories of reasons: (1) humans being murder-y and awful; (2) something climate change-y, (3) tragic accident. (Indeed, one of the most likely explanations is a combination of (1) and (3), which is that farmers put out poison to control their rodents, and eagles eat poisoned rodents and die.) While all of us reading this here blog fall under the definition of "reasonable people," right wing anti-choice end times fetishists do not, so they are pretty certain that this eagle die-off means that God hates abortion. Join us, won't you, as we try to sort out these fevered ramblings?

The national symbol for America is the eagle and the Thirteen Colonies, founded in the 16th and 17th centuries, declared independence in 1776 and formed the United States. The thirteen were: Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts Bay, Maryland, South Carolina, New Hampshire, Virginia, New York, North Carolina, and Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.

Ohhhh-kay. While that shows that you can recite the original colonies, a feat most fourth graders can likely accomplish, we are not really sure how that relates to abortion or bald eagles.

We do know that the number 13 is symbolic of rebellion and lawlessness.

We do? We just sort of thought of it as that whole "bad luck no 13th floor on old hotels" kind of thing actually. But apparently if you are a conspiracy-minded religious nutjob, the number 13 is just chock full o' portents:

• Nimrod was 13th in Ham's line (huh?)

• The dragon, a symbol of Satan, duh, is found 13 times in the Book of Revelation (ok, now we're getting somewhere)

• In Romans Chapter 1, original culture scold Paul lists 23 characteristics of terrible people, and number 13 is that they hate God (umm, this seems like a reach)

• The American dollar has 13s all over it. (WTF????)

If those signs weren't enough for you, it probably means you are not completely unbalanced. But maybe there is another 13-related sign that will totally convince you?

The phrase 'valley of Hinnom' (or variation thereof) occurs in 13 places in Scripture. The valley was the scene of the evil-inspired rites of the pagan god Moloch (or Molech). Molech was an idol god worshiped Phoenicians which included child sacrifice, or "passing children through the fire." It is believed that idols of Moloch were giant metal statues of a man with a bull's head. Each idol had a hole carved out in the abdomen and possibly outstretched forearms that made a kind of ramp to the hole. A fire was lit in or around the statue. Babies were placed in the statue's arms or in the hole. Today we don't see this in America but children are aborted daily by a practice of removing the child from the belly of its mother.

The best thing we can say about that theory is that those are indeed words in the English language, and they are indeed formed into what we generally recognize as a sentence structure. Beyond that, there is nothing but a howling wail of Jabberwocky-level incoherence.

Look. If your skygod sends you coded messages about what He (oh come on these people totally have Old Man God) hates by murdering entirely unrelated animals rather than just descending from upon on high and saying He's pissed about abortions, your skygod is both somewhat confusing and kind of a dick. Also, doesn't your whole theory fall apart if more than 13 eagles die? Maybe just pray to Him to be a little clearer next time, huh?

[ NBC News / Charisma News ]