Of Course Ted Cruz Is THAT Guy Who Will Spoil Star Wars

Into the garbage chute

Before we properly begin Ted Cruz Is A Half-Witted Lick-Knob: Episode MXVIII, let us assure you that we are not that guy. This is a safe space for you to read about what a dick Ted Cruz is, without any risk that we might cram spoilers down your throat, like some sort of dick named Ted Cruz. Seriously, look at this guy:

"'Star Wars' was awesome," Cruz said, "although I have to say, there's an image — and I'm not going to be a spoiler — but as someone who grew up, as someone who stood with his dad for three hours to see the opening of 'The Empire Strikes Back,' as someone who grew up, as a kid, [REDACTED BECAUSE WE ARE NOT THAT GUY], I will say there was [REDACTED BECAUSE SHIT JESUS, WE ARE NOT THAT GUY]. I'm not going to spoil what it is, but it was [REDACTED BECAUSE WE ARE STILL NOT THAT GUY.]"

If you have already seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens, then go ahead and click that link to the Washington Post to see for your very own eyes what an egregious NOT COOL spoiler Ted Cruz didn't spell out but sure as hot damn hinted at in a way that anyone who even vaguely understands the difference between a blaster and a lightsaber can puzzle out pretty easily. Or you can just take yr Wonkette's word for it that Cruz's transgression against his supposed fellow fans is so unforgivable, and yet so goddamned typically Ted Cruz, no punishment would suffice, except perhaps for being slowly digested over a thousand years in the pit of Carkoon. Maybe.

We are not nearly as generous as WaPo's Dave Weigel, who writes that Cruz's declaration "was not technically a spoiler," because technical schmechnical, it was plenty bad enough. And "jokingly" giving away a plot point in the most anticipated cinematic event since EVER is totally something Ted Cruz would do. Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

Cruz will, just to pick a random example, use the vice president's name as a slow-clap punchline mere days after his son dies from brain cancer. Cruz thinks there's nothing insensitive at all about gratuitously bashing the decades-old policies of former President Jimmy Carter in order to also bash the current administration, within 24 hours of Carter's announcement that he had brain cancer. It's always fair to talk oh so innocently about policy, after all! (Maybe it's just that people dying from brain cancer is so full of irresistible comedic material, if you are Ted Cruz. And a dick. But we repeat ourselves.)

Cruz will feign a galaxy's worth of outrage over the poor oppressed straight white Christian bigots of America and their delicate feelings, rushing to to hold their hands and wipe their tears -- if Mike Huckabee doesn't elbow him out of the way first. He will demand Barack Obama meet him behind the gym after school to insult him to his face because Cruz thinks it's "utterly unbefitting of the president to be engaging in [...] personal insults and attacks" by disagreeing with Ted Cruz's proposed policies. In public!

But when it comes to being something that approximates a moderately decent human, forget it. Ted Cruz will kick you while you're down, he'll laugh at your grief, he'll spit in your face, and he will so ruin your carefully protected and long-awaited Star Wars experience because hell yes, in addition to all the many other ways he is an insufferable prick, Ted Cruz is that guy too.



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