Oh, ADAM SCHIFF Is The Dirty Ukraine Corruption Moneylaunderer Stealer Man, GOT IT RUDES.

When we elected a clown, we did expect a circus ... BUT NOT LIKE THIS. Who could have anticipated that Rudy Giuliani, who could have gone on hoovering up $20 million a year and running around with a new woman of a certain age every week, would instead turn into a globetrotting conspiracy theorist and bring the president to the brink of impeachment? Rudy's rantings have reached such a fever pitch of late that even we can't keep up. He's been yammering about Biden and some mystery $7 billion for a month now, but Rudy talks so much shit, who knows, right?

What is Councilor Grandpa on about? Does it even matter?

Thanks to the brave souls at Talking Points Memo who gloved up and reached in to the ass-end of the internet to figure this out, we can report that it's even stupider than we could have imagined. So ... here goes nothing!

In 2013 the Templeton Global Bond Fund bought $7 billion of Ukrainian sovereign debt, making it the country's largest creditor. After pro-Russian Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych was toppled by popular revolution in 2014, the debt was renegotiated by his successor Petro Poroshenko in 2015 on pretty favorable terms for Templeton -- that is to say, they took a haircut, but it could have been a lot worse. By 2017, the fund had largely sold off the debt and moved on, which is pretty standard fare for the global bond market. Boring, right?

Time for Rudy Giuliani's Ukrainian cronies to sexy this up a little bit. Here's his pal Andriy Derkach at a press conference last month:

"Last week, November 14, the Prosecutor General's Office (PGO), unnoticed by the media, announced a new suspicion to the notorious owner of Burisma, ex-Ecology Minister Zlochevsky. According to the suspicion, the Yanukovych family is suspected, in particular, with legalizing (laundering) of criminally obtained income through Franklin Templeton Investments, an investment fund carrying out purchases of external government loan bonds totaling $7.4 billion," Derkach said.

With reference to the investigation, he emphasized: it was money criminally obtained by the "family" of Yanukovych and invested in the purchase of Ukrainian debt in 2013-2014.

UH HUH. Going to go out on a limb and guess that even if Interfax had a decent translator, this would still be gobbledygook. Is this guy suggesting that Yanukovych somehow got a $7 billion check and handed it over to a major American investment house, which happily took the money and then turned right around and loaned it back to the Ukrainian government? And then after Yanukovych was sent fleeing to Russia, the Poroshenko government helped Yanukovych get away with it by ensuring that the bonds got paid? Sounds legit!

You heard the man! NEEDZ MOAR BIDENS.

Derkach also announced the amount of money transferred to representatives of the Burisma Group, including Hunter Biden. According to documents, in general, in favor of Hunter Biden, Alexander Kwasniewski, Alan Apter and Devon Archer, Burisma paid about $16.5 million.

As convincing as that is, we might just point out that, according to the principles of linear time, Hunter Biden joined the board of Burisma in 2014, which is after 2013 when the bond deal went through. Even if there were $16.5 million of payments "in favor of" several American lobbyists, what exactly does that have to do with the Franklin Templeton bond fund? Is Derkach implying that Hunter Biden, who appears to have done fuck all for his Burisma money, secretly masterminded the bond re-negotiation in 2015 when he was apparently watching his brother die, in the middle of a terrible divorce, and relapsing into alcohol addiction in a sad apartment in DC? Is that really the storyline we're going with here?

WRONG QUESTION! The real question is how is Adam Schiff in on it?

Okay, now's the part where we veer off into acid trip fantasyland, so buckle up. The wingers are convinced, based on very reliable information they picked up through their fillings we guess, that both Franklin Templeton and BlackRock investments are under investigation for this alleged Yanukovych money laundering scheme. What if Adam Schiff were getting campaign donations from Franklin Templeton and BlackRock? Would you have any doubt that this entire impeachment scheme was just an extraordinarily elaborate plot to protect (((Schiff's))) investment?

Well feast your eyes on Rep. Schiff's financial disclosure from 2017!

BOOM! Guess you gotta give it to OANN and Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft who writes, "Here are US government documents that show Schiff's links to and donations from BlackRock and Franklin Templeton Investments."

OH, WAIT. Scratch that, those are mutual funds Schiff has invested in, just like dozens of his fellow congressmen. So that would be investment income, not "donations." Whoopsie! And exactly none of these investments is the Global Bond Fund that held the Ukrainian bonds. Also, too, he sold the BlackRock, which appeared to be made up entirely of California municipal bonds, in 2017, which is probably why the wingers are flogging an old disclosure form. But other than that, you're doing great, Sweetie!

Donald Trump has promised that Rudy will be briefing the Justice Department and Congress on his findings very soon. And boy are they all excited to hear it!

When you've lost Matt Gaetz, maybe you need to dial it back a touch.

JKLOL, go for it, Rudes! Kick that crazy up to 11! Ignore the haters who tell you to shut the fuck up for the love of God man you're making the president look like a crackpot. Just keep doing what you're doing forever.

[TPM / Bloomberg / Interfax / Politifact / Schiff Disclosure]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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