Oh Fiddlesticks, Hope Jefferson Butterscotch Sessions Didn't Lie To Robert Mueller Too Much!
This is his "Oh Fiddlesticks" face.
BIG ROBERT MUELLER NEWS! It's reported that special counsel Robert Mueller lured Attorney General Jeff Sessions into his lair for an interview last week, and we are just hoping Sessions didn't lie too much! We also hope Mueller's team was extry special careful to speak to Sessions VERY VERY slowly, because as we all know, fast-talkin' people make him nervous, which causes him to either forget stuff or, you know, lie.
This is the first time a member of Trump's cabinet has gone before Mueller. It is also the first time somebody we're pretty sure is a target of the investigation has gone before Mueller. But most importantly, it is the first time somebody has gone before Mueller who MIGHT be able to trade family squirrel chili recipes for his freedom.
And BOY HOWDY, we bet they had a lot to talk about! For instance:
- The times Sessions met with the Russian ambassador about lifting Russian sanctions, possibly as a quid pro quo for the Russian election interference everybody already knew had happened for the benefit of the Trump campaign. As WaPo notes, according to surveillance intercepts and public statements from former ambassador Sergey Kisylak, those conversations were "substantive."
- The times Sessions seems to have committed a wee spot of perjury regarding all his Russian connections.
- What does Sessions know about Jared Kushner (another target in the investigation) and his involvement in all the Russian conspiracies?
- What does President NO RUSSIA know?
- Just how much obstruction of justice did Sessions help Trump commit in the firing of James Comey and with any other White House interference in the Russia investigation?
- Seriously, Jeff Sessions led Trump's foreign policy team. He was Carter Page's boss! He was George Papadopoulos's boss! He was the boss of pretty much everybody on the campaign who has come under fire/pleaded guilty to the FBI for having unprotected campaign collusion sex with the Russians.
Now look. Wonkette is WELL AWARE of all the times Sessions has very forgetfully lied to Congress, just like we know ALL ABOUT Donald Trump's obstruction of justice and the ways Sessions has reportedly been more than willing to help. We've known about this stuff for a long time! So if we know all that, and we are not even a lawyer, our guess is that Mueller doesn't really need an interview with Sessions about a lot of that stuff to make his case.
So what happened? Did Mueller trick Sessions into doing perjuries AGAIN? Did he nail him on some deep Russia shit? Did he make clear Sessions would be roasting butterbeans IN JAIL for the rest of his natural life if he didn't flip on Trump? We are just curious!
Trump and Jeff Sessions are NOT tight anymore, and the president has been publicly shaming and bullying Sessions for MONTHS, because Sessions made the correct and lawful decision to recuse himself from the Russia investigation. But you see, Trump doesn't want "correct and lawful," he wants his Roy Cohn! He wants a dirty motherfucker who will cover up his dirty motherfucker crimes, and it's just unfair that there are still a handful of people in the Republican party who love America more than they love Trump.
Apparently, Trump is SO MAD about Sessions's little sit-down with Mueller:
LOL Donald Trump is having a bad day, everybody clap!
So that is where we are! Does this mean the investigation is almost over if Mueller is interviewing this close to the top? Meh, we kinda doubt it. But this may very well be Mueller's prelude to the climactic day when/if he gets an interview with Trump, which will be literally full of perjury LANDMINES for the president's very skinny 239 pound chunk body to step on.
It ain't over 'til it's over, y'all, but shit is definitely happening. Stay tuned!
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