This is his "Oh Fiddlesticks" face.

BIG ROBERT MUELLER NEWS! It's reported that special counsel Robert Mueller lured Attorney General Jeff Sessions into his lair for an interview last week, and we are just hoping Sessions didn't lie too much! We also hope Mueller's team was extry special careful to speak to Sessions VERY VERY slowly, because as we all know, fast-talkin' people make him nervous, which causes him to either forget stuff or, you know, lie.

This is the first time a member of Trump's cabinet has gone before Mueller. It is also the first time somebody we're pretty sure is a target of the investigation has gone before Mueller. But most importantly, it is the first time somebody has gone before Mueller who MIGHT be able to trade family squirrel chili recipes for his freedom.

And BOY HOWDY, we bet they had a lot to talk about! For instance:

  • The times Sessions met with the Russian ambassador about lifting Russian sanctions, possibly as a quid pro quo for the Russian election interference everybody already knew had happened for the benefit of the Trump campaign. As WaPo notes, according to surveillance intercepts and public statements from former ambassador Sergey Kisylak, those conversations were "substantive."
  • The times Sessions seems to have committed a wee spot of perjury regarding all his Russian connections.
  • What does Sessions know about Jared Kushner (another target in the investigation) and his involvement in all the Russian conspiracies?
  • What does President NO RUSSIA know?
  • Just how much obstruction of justice did Sessions help Trump commit in the firing of James Comey and with any other White House interference in the Russia investigation?
  • Seriously, Jeff Sessions led Trump's foreign policy team. He was Carter Page's boss! He was George Papadopoulos's boss! He was the boss of pretty much everybody on the campaign who has come under fire/pleaded guilty to the FBI for having unprotected campaign collusion sex with the Russians.

Now look. Wonkette is WELL AWARE of all the times Sessions has very forgetfully lied to Congress, just like we know ALL ABOUT Donald Trump's obstruction of justice and the ways Sessions has reportedly been more than willing to help. We've known about this stuff for a long time! So if we know all that, and we are not even a lawyer, our guess is that Mueller doesn't really need an interview with Sessions about a lot of that stuff to make his case.

So what happened? Did Mueller trick Sessions into doing perjuries AGAIN? Did he nail him on some deep Russia shit? Did he make clear Sessions would be roasting butterbeans IN JAIL for the rest of his natural life if he didn't flip on Trump? We are just curious!

Trump and Jeff Sessions are NOT tight anymore, and the president has been publicly shaming and bullying Sessions for MONTHS, because Sessions made the correct and lawful decision to recuse himself from the Russia investigation. But you see, Trump doesn't want "correct and lawful," he wants his Roy Cohn! He wants a dirty motherfucker who will cover up his dirty motherfucker crimes, and it's just unfair that there are still a handful of people in the Republican party who love America more than they love Trump.

Apparently, Trump is SO MAD about Sessions's little sit-down with Mueller:

LOL Donald Trump is having a bad day, everybody clap!

So that is where we are! Does this mean the investigation is almost over if Mueller is interviewing this close to the top? Meh, we kinda doubt it. But this may very well be Mueller's prelude to the climactic day when/if he gets an interview with Trump, which will be literally full of perjury LANDMINES for the president's very skinny 239 pound chunk body to step on.

It ain't over 'til it's over, y'all, but shit is definitely happening. Stay tuned!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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