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Oh Hey We Guess We Will Do Some More War To Iraq Again, Some More

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Once upon a time, we somehow ended up in Iraq, for reasons that are completely irrelevant now so let's not even talk about that (except to note that those reasons were GOOD reasons, yes they were, SHUT UP).


Everything worked out great, take that hippies. Just as all the experts had predicted on the Sunday morning talk shows, we full-on mission accomplished that war in less than one Friedman Unit after we shock 'n awed 'em. Hooray! The good guys won, the troops came home, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Well, that was the plan, anyway, but unfortunately, the May 2003 victory that turned us all into neocons and made us swoon for Commander Guy George W. Bush in his codpiece didn't take, so we actually had to stay in Iraq and keep doing that for a few more weeks months YEARS. Darn the luck.

For reasons no one could have predicted, Iraq did not greet us as liberators and say, "Thank you, U.S.A., for bombing the shit out of us because your God is better than our God and also you want our sweet sweet oil, please do that some more." Weird, huh? We kept dropping bombs, even built a school or two, but the ungrateful bastards who would not even pay for their own war that we were doing to them just wouldn't say thank you. INGRATES!

Then the geniuses in the Bush administration who had been right about everything so far decided that if we did a surge to Iraq, that would probably fix everything. And it did! We full-on won the war AGAIN, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Except then a terrible thing happened, worse than the Holocaust. A foreigner from the exotic country of Hawaii named Barack HUSSEIN-JUST-LIKE-SADDAM-GET-IT? Obama stole the White House by using his mind control powers to force American voters to elect him because they wanted "hope" and "change" and "no more war." He carried out the precise instructions left for him by the former president who had already won the war for him -- you're welcome -- and pulled all the American troops out of Iraq, just like the former president had said he should do. Everyone was super happy about and said, "Thank you, George Bush, for winning the war for us for again again, even though you are not actually president anymore, but it's not like we're going to thank the current president, come ON."

All the experts who had been right about everything all along for all those years said it was a victory, thank god that was all behind us now, let's move on to bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran or whatever other country we can find on a map. Some Americans did not want to do that because they are war-weary wussies who need to suck it up and get over it already, and the current president even considered giving those bloodthirsty types who needed their war fix a Syria-shaped gift, but then, strangely, the very same people who wanted MORE WAR! said they would maybe have to impeach the president for giving them what they wanted, gosh they're so fickle.

The president moved forward with his agenda to destroy America by playing golf and plotting the murder of innocent Americans in Benghazi, Cuba. No one really thought about Iraq anymore, except for maybe the people who were still dying there, because hey, come on, we'd already won that thing THREE TIMES. Except that somehow, for reasons no one could have predicted, "ISIS, ISIL -- whatever you want to call these guys" ignored that memo about how the war was over and decided that as long as no one was going to care about Iraq anymore because that is soooo last season, they might as well take over the place and turn Iraq into the terrorist haven it supposedly was all along.

And then, before you could even say weapons of mass destruction-related program activities, that som'bitch Obama had retroactively lost the war that everyone agreed had been won in 2010. Don't you just hate when that happens? No doubt Germany and Japan are counting down the days until we un-win the war against them, since that is how war happens.

Now all of the people who were totally right about everything all along have some terrific ideas for how we can win the war for the fourth time. Sen. John McCain says we should simply go back in time and not pull out of Iraq after all, just like he'd said at the time.

Now, despite our repeated once-and-for-all victories in Iraq, we have no choice but to go back and drop some more bombs and kill some more people because it worked so well before. At least this time we will know how to fight them because they're using all the weapons we gave them before we realized giving them weapons was maybe a bad idea if they did not use those weapons the way they told them to, but who could have known that would happen, it's not like we've ever given weapons to Iraq and had that work out badly for us, like, say, when the movie Flashdance was popular.

But we have no choice, you see. If we do not fight them over there, they will invade America like some kind of disease-ridden Messican drug-mule minor and kill us all in our beds, and it will be like 9/11 times a hundred. Sen. Lindsey Graham said so, and he's never been wrong about anything. Let's go to the video:

The president has said, "Fine, we will go back to Iraq and drop some more bombs and do some more war." And, in a nod to the John McCain 2008 platform, in which McCain tried to woo voters by saying he'd be fine staying in Iraq for 100 years, the president did not even estimate how many Friedman Units it would take to win the war this time.

“I don’t think we’re going to solve this problem in weeks,” Mr. Obama said before leaving for a two-week vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. “This is going to be a long-term project.”

How did we get here AGAIN? Well, if you read Very Serious Journalists writing Very Serious Explainers, it all started when the current president did exactly what the former president said he had to do by leaving Iraq. Never mind how we got there in the first place, that doesn't matter, SHUT UP.

So what's the moral of the story? Who knows? It's certainly not that invading countries under false pretenses with sociopathic delusions of a speedy victory is a bad idea. Christ, SHUT UP about that already, hippies. Maybe it's that once you invade a country, you cannot leave, even after you win the war, because you never know when you might un-win it. Maybe it's that we should have elected McCain instead of Obama because he would have ignored the instructions of the former president and just kept on bombing Iraq and all the countries forever and ever. (That is probably not it, actually, even though he's pretty sure it is.)

Or maybe, just maybe, the moral of the story is that bloodthirsty chickenhawks who think you can bomb your way to democracy need to shut the hell up and re-watch that '80s classic that actually teaches you everything you need to know about war.

Sadly, it's too late for a nice game of chess. Guess we'll just go with plan B: stay in Iraq forever and keep bombing it forever, and every now and then we can pat ourselves on the backs for winning the war again, but we'll keep bombing anyway just in case, and maybe, just maybe, if we never ever EVER stop doing that, we might one day win the war for good and everyone can live happily ever after, the end.

Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. It's the only winning move.

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