Oh No, Devil Sent Dr. Fauci To Do Dreadful Things To Jesus's 'Seed'!
Wonkette doesn't spend enough time checking on "Coach" Dave Daubenmire, that anti-abortion anti-gay anti-everything nutbag. (We put quotes around "coach" for a reason.) This clownass thinks he's so tough, he even went to the Capitol riots. Dunno if he managed to waddle inside, though, he's kinda old. Who gets picked last for doing coups? "Coach" Dave, probably.
"Coach" Dave is so masculine he melted into a piss-puddle of shrieking 1980s-era middle school anti-gay slurs when Pete Buttigieg was nice to a nine-year-old gay kid at a rally, calling him Pete "Buttfudge." Dave was so triggered, he wanted Pete ARRESTED.
"Coach" Dave was pretty sure Hurricane Harvey was God's punishment against Houston for abortion and lesbian witch mayors, even though when Harvey struck, the mayor of Houston was a non-lesbian Black man. Dave's god is one Forgetful Fred, apparently. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," said Dave's absent-minded god, suddenly remembering he had been meaning to zap Houston with a hurricane any time in the preceding six years, when Annise Parker was actually mayor. "Oh well better late than never," said Dave's VERY TARDY lord.
Wanna hear him lovingly encourage Rachel Maddow to find a man to fuck? That exists.
Point is, he is just MISTER MAD and MISTER HATE and, you know, not very bright.
And now Dave will tell us about Dr. Anthony Fauci's true identity as DEVIL'S EMISSARY. (You should really watch the video, he is queening out so hard, it's funny.)
Upon returning to his daily "Pass The Salt Live" webcast Monday morning, Daubenmire was fired up over vaccine mandates and COVID-19 restrictions, which resulted in him having a screaming meltdown while accusing Dr. Anthony Fauci of working for Satan in an effort to destroy Christians.
That sounds sane enough.
"Dr. Fauci is an emissary of the devil, folks," Daubenmire screamed. "Not just the devil that you see on Halloween."
Not just the Halloween devil. Dr. Anthony Fauci isn't just some charming grandpa dressed up as devil and giving the children butterscotches in their trick-or-treat baskets. Many people think he's that devil — common mistake! — but they are wrong. Dr. Fauci is a different kind of emissary of the devil.
"He is an emissary of Beelzebub himself, sent to deceive and destroy the seed of Christ!"
Wow. Dr. Fauci is coming after Christ's ... seed? Rude! Also, we do not want to see Dave's browser history to find out where he got that. Has QAnon opened up a porn studio?
So yeah, anyway, Dr. Fauci was sent by Satan to fuck up Jesus's "seed." Also our DNA. This is what he said just before the thing about Jesus's "seed":
"Friends, as it was in the days of Noah, so shall it be at the coming of the Son of Man," Daubenmire bellowed. "And if Dr. Sherri Tenpenny was here, what would she tell us? That this jab is mixing and melting and working and screwing up your DNA! The same thing that was going on before the days of Noah. The exact same thing. And as it was in the days of Noah, so shall it be the coming of the Son of Man."
Yeah, that's exactly how vaccines work. Just like in Noah times. The exact same thing. Everybody knows the biblical flood was sponsored by Pfizer.
Right Wing Watch explains the conspiracy theory Dave is pulling out of his droopy ass right here, and how he's connecting it to Bible flood times. (And yes, the Bible flood times DEFINITELY literally happened just like the Bible explains it, with two of every creature and the very big boat. As proof that this really happened, fundamentalists will insist that lots of religions talk about this one time where it rained a bunch. They believe this is proof.)
Apparently Dave really loves this apocryphal Bible story about the Nephilim, what came just before the flood chronologically:
Daubenmire spent a good portion of his program discussing "The Book of Giants," an apocryphal biblical book supposedly written by prophet Enoch that purports to explain why God had to destroy the Earth with Noah's flood. According to the Book of Giants, angels in rebellion against God had mated with human women, creating a race of giants known as the Nephilim, who were so wicked that God had no choice but to destroy the world.
Yes, Dr. Fauci and the COVID vaccine are just like the ACTUAL REAL HISTORICAL EVENT when the angels and the women banged so hard they got sick of banging, and God had to destroy the whole world to destroy the angel-human giant baby hybrids. How are they just alike? Because of the DNA!
If Dave was our dad, we'd take him to Disney World and put him on a roller coaster and then leave, then pretend not to know him when security tried to get us to claim him.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter.
Wonkette is funded ENTIRELY by a few thousand people like you. If you're not already, would you pls consider being the few thousandth and one?