It's book report day again, and once again Little Marco Rubio waited until the last second to start his homework. How else to account for this ridiculous twaddle about toxic woke corporate culture he tapped out for this morning's New York Post? Clearly this dipshit didn't read the book — which is probably why Rupert Murdoch and his minions relegated this word salad to the Post, not the more august pages of the Wall Street Journal.

The Florida GOP senator, an avatar of robust conservatism, begins with a paean to the socially responsible companies of yore.

'What's good for General Motors is good for the country." This was a ­defining American ­adage in the last century, because it was true: US corporations helped to make our country the most prosperous in the history of the world. But with the profits came a corporate duty to care for the strength of the nation and its citizens.

Huh! Okay, so unlike the rest of his party, which is for unfettered capitalism, Rubio believes corporations have a duty to their workers and society at large and laments the decline of well-paid manufacturing jobs that undergirded the growth of the American middle class. Duly noted.

And how did corporations take care of workers in this vanished Eden? By busting unions with the help of the GOP, of course! Thank heaven for those champions of the forgotten man, beating back health and safety regulations and muscling "right to work" laws through gerrymandered legislatures to ensure this workers' paradise.

To help our corporations fulfill their patriotic role, the GOP especially enacted business-friendly policies. We kept tax rates low, slashed red tape where appropriate and limited the reach of labor unions. But somewhere along the line, corporations began prioritizing short-term financial windfalls and ruthless offshoring.

Corporate America began to view these good jobs, families, communities and even the nation as an afterthought. American workers of all backgrounds suffered as a result. Corporate greed annihilated an entire way of life.

It was all going so well! And then corporations got woke and just started focusing on the bottom line to placate "activists." (Dear God, you can just hear the font size and margins increasing as this thing goes further and further off the rails.)

Today, corporate America routinely flexes its power to humiliate politicians if they dare support traditional values at all.

Multinational firms threaten boycotts over pro-life legislation. Cowardly sports leagues pull events out of states that dare pass legislation they don't like. Firms like Delta parrot woke talking points, even as they cut deals with China, lending Beijing legitimacy and funding as it commits genocide in Xinjiang.

At the risk of reading too much meaning into this pile of rancid goat entrails, it appears Rubio is very mad about corporate outsourcing to China, which causes companies to focus on voting rights and gay issues. And so Republican politicians must protect free speech by regulating it like toxic waste, which is a thing Republicans care about very deeply. Almost as much as they care about ensuring fair wages and safe working conditions for every American.

According to Rubio, corporations are now obsessed with foisting their values on the public, since "Love of country, free speech and traditional faith and other bedrock American ideals became unfashionable." Now they all want to do deals with China, like Mark Zuckerberg, who "reportedly asked Xi Jinping to name his unborn child." (Here on Planet Earth, Facebook is actually blocked in China, but honestly that is the least of the problems here.)

So he's threatening to blow up the entire Republican agenda if corporations don't stop fighting against anti-trans and voter suppression laws.

Cutting corporate taxes, and especially investment taxes, makes sense if US companies are going to invest in American industry. But if they're instead prioritizing offshoring operations or simply returning windfalls to shareholders, then policymakers are going to start being more careful in how we structure tax cuts.

Employer-friendly labor laws make sense in a world where corporate CEOs feel an obligation to their fellow countrymen and workers. But the logic of resisting labor representation on behalf of corporate management falls apart if an American worker is no different to the corporation than any other input.

OH, NOES! Please don't stop advocating for corporate tax cuts and union-busting. Anything but that!

And free speech is all well and good, but not when it's speech Marco Rubio disagrees with.

No policymaker would allow a company to dump toxic waste into a river upstream of a thriving town he is charged with governing. Yet corporate America eagerly dumps woke, toxic nonsense into our culture, and it's only gotten more destructive with time. These campaigns will be met with the same strength that any other polluter should expect.

Haha, okay. Because if there's one thing Marco Rubio cannot abide, it's evil polluters dumping toxic waste into the waters upstream of thriving towns.

In summary and in conclusion, Marco Rubio will stick it to China by raising taxes on American companies to protect the First Amendment and clean up woke speech pollution. Maybe he and Marjorie Taylor Greene can team up for legislation to prevent corporate capitalism, since words have no meaning any more.

Try not to sprain your wrist making the wanking motion.

[NY Post]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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