Oh, PLEASE Bring Back Allen West!
We have not lived a good enough life for Allen West to return to politics in 2020 U-S-America. We have sacrificed a goat without blemish and burned all the incense and cut out carbs and even shaved our legs in breathless anticipation, and yet we dare not hope that Texas Republicans would be dumb enough to let Allen West run for Congress again.
We have so many beautiful Allen West links at the ready! There's What 'Porn Star' Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife? from your beloved Editrix back in 2012, when West was a Republican congressman in Florida ranting about feminists "neutering American men" and destroying the country by making them "subservient." Now-shuttered site Gossipextra got hold of West's letters from Iraq home to his wife Angela detailing his expectations for their marital relations on his return.
The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be "the standard and it is non-negotiable."
He tells her: "From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations."
Then: "Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?
"I do not want to hear 'no' or 'we'll see about that.' I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want."
And he signs off: "Get ready!"
Luckily, Angela didn't have to wait long for this promised conjugal bliss, since West was shortly thereafter separated from the military due to an unfortunate incident. You can read all about it in 2014's tour de force Allen West Tortured Iraqi Cop, Avoided Court-Martial, Kept Pension. Hey, It's Not Like He Was Gay also by your beloved Trix.
Hey, remember Allen West? He's this guy who negotiated "retiring" from the Army instead of getting court-martialed for torturing an Iraqi cop, and then ran on an "Iraqi cop-torturing" platform all the way to the US House of Representatives. Well, he not only got to avoid up to 11 years in the pokey, while serving the bath-salt sniffers of Florida in the People's House, he also got to keep his sweet-ass Army-guy pension, fuck yeh!
West was mad because a lesbian veteran who had received a dishonorable discharge in 1979 had her discharge upgraded in 2014 after the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. And Trix was mad because FEMINIST.
Incidentally, before the lovely Mrs. West abruptly resigned from the Florida Atlantic University board of trustees in 2013 for reasons she described as "paperwork," she accused a student protestor of stalking her because he showed up twice at events she attended. The South Florida Sun Sentinel reports that Mr. West -- no longer a congressman -- was never charged for the threat he posted to Facebook.
Allen West posted a message on Facebook warning the student "if Angela calls and tells me of one more incident, you will face me, the side of me that you do not want to see."
Yes, that is very normal congressman behavior! Well, to be fair, West was out of Congress by then, as Dok informed us back in 2012's page turner Allen West Insists It's Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes).
So maybe this particular long national nightmare is over (?)
Yeah, right. Mr. West has been quite clear that he will not concede until all the votes have been counted, a position which, considering that this is Florida-for-fuck's-sake, and constantly-shitting-the-electoral-bed St. Lucie County at that, we should probably have more sympathy for, except that this time around there's no butterfly ballots or Katherine Harris mucking up the situation. Also, West appears to have lost by a far more conclusive total than the disputed vote count in Bush v. Gore, so there's that. Nevertheless, as long as there's the slightest chance that a recount may result in a different result, West will battle on.
We were so young and innocent then! But like the South, West vowed to rise again. So in 2014, he upped sticks for Texas to run a think tank. Dok was totally impressed: Allen West To Head Up 'Think' Tank. Stop Laughing, You Guys, It's Not Funny. In fact, though, it was very funny. Please enjoy this amusing anecdote from the website of the now-shuttered National Center for Policy Analysis.
After 31 years of remarkable success, the NCPA descended into a financial tailspin during the past three years.
According to the Dallas Morning News, when John Goodman and Pete du Pont left the NCPA in June 2014, there was $750,000 in the bank, $6 million in (endowment) bequests, $5 million in annual giving and a reliable group of supporters. When the organization folded in June 2017, there was virtually no money in the bank, no endowment, and more than $1 million of debt.
They were even forced to sell their "NCPA" domain name to a bunch of community pharmacists, which sure as hell sounds like socialism! And Allen West hates socialism even more than he hates competent management of an astroturf "think tank" with a magically shrinking endowment. Also, Barack Obama -- he really hates that guy, too, as Evan mentioned in 2016's Silly Goose Allen West Casually Death Threats President Obama For Grabbing His Guns, a homofeminist anarchocapitalist critique of a West column in the now-defunct Red Flag News, where he said:
This is your final year as president of the United States so let us come to an agreement: you leave us alone and we, the American people, will let you stay and finish your term.
Heed these words of counsel. Our American blood is descended from men and women who rejected tyranny — so shall we honor their memory.
If you do not wish to honor your oath to the Constitution and protect us, we shall protect ourselves. And NEVER forget the oath we American Warriors take is to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign, and domestic.
After which West wandered off into the wingnuttosphere never to be heard from in polite society again. EXCEPT that his name has surfaced in this Dallas News article as a possible challenger to freshman Democratic Rep. Colin Allred in TX-32. Allred knocked out 11-term Republican Pete Sessions in 2018, and the GOP is hot to take the seat back before the 2020 post-census redistricting. Sessions is making noise about running again, as are several other local politicians. But the obvious choice to take the Dallas suburbs by storm is Congressman West. He had considered running for retiring Congressman Jeb Hensarling's seat in TX-5 back in 2018, but eventually decided against it. And for those of you wondering how West could be contemplating a run in two different districts, we say quit doing that neutered soyboy geography shit and be a real patriot! Come on, Texas GOP, think big. Think West!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.