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In all of the Super Tuesday sexcitement of celebrating Women's History (Making) Month, with our vaginas, and all of our laughing so hard at Republicans for making Donald Trump happen, we almost forgot to rag on Ted Cruz. Shame on us, us!

That insufferable insincere sputtering splooge stain -- who is the most hated man in the United States of America, Canada, and even Jesusland -- managed to win his own state of Texas on Tuesday night. OOOH WOW, color us impressed. Also, he won Oklahoma, a state where "Democrats" think Trump is terrific, if that gives you some indication of how batcrap IN-SANE the state's Republicans are.


Anyway. Ted Cruz still isn't going to be president of this or any other nation. There's no more Texas for him to win and also everyone hates him so much: his fellow Republicans in the Senate, Bob Dole's half-dead dick, everyone. Ted Cruz is so goddamned THE WORST that he even managed to make Donald Trump look like the decent human being for almost an entire 60 seconds, during the Fox Business Network debate in January when Cruz pissed all over 9/11 and said how proud he is that he's not a dirty Jew Yorker like Trump. Christ, what an asshole.

Cruz gave a victory speech on Tuesday night, and it was a dumb speech, like everything else about him, including his dumb awful terrible dry-drunk deadbeat dad. The guy who casually joked about hitting his kid (HAHA SO FUNNY) boasted in his speech that at least he never says naughty "profane and vulgar" swears. FUCK YOU, TED. Also, he invoked those great Republican presidents, Franklin Roosevelt and John Kennedy, and figures if they had a ménage à trois with Dead Reagan, they'd make a President Cruz baby. Nope, FUCK YOU AGAIN, TED.

He said Marco Rubio should drop out of the race, since he can't win any states. And then Marco Rubio went and winned a state, so FUCK YOU AGAIN THREE TIMES, TED.

If you've bothered to look at your InterTweetsBook, you'll note a stunning lack of establishment Republicans calling on everyone who isn't Trump to drop out and rally around Cruz. Because they hate him. Hate him. They'd rather take a Not Trump gamble on dumb-nuts Rubio, who, unlike Cruz, probably can't even win his own state.

That is sad and pathetic and hilarious and awesome, and Ted Cruz sucks, but then, so does Marco Rubio. And so does Donald Trump, too, but at least he's a winner who can win states all o'er the map. Until some chick comes along and crushes his tiny balls in November, and then the Republican Party finally dies the death that is long overdue, and we laugh. And we laugh. And we laugh. And then we all live happily ever after.

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