But where are the stirrups?

Heyyyyyyy, Buckeye ladies. You might have been fretting that you will not be able to get your down-there bidness taken care of proper-like, thanks to CERTAIN PEOPLE in your state trying to shut down your sweet precious love-you-so-much Planned Parenthoods, for reasons that are dumb and stupid and also wrong, factually speaking:

Ohio abortion foes are taking aim at $1.3m Planned Parenthood uses to conduct STI and HIV tests, and infant mortality reduction programs to supplement the state’s troubled healthcare system. [...]

The house voted to block those grants from going to Planned Parenthood on Wednesday. The Senate voted on a similar measure in October. A version of the bill will reach the desk of the Republican governor, John Kasich, any day now, and he is widely expected to sign.

But fear not! Because did you know you can go to a doctor to look all up in there for babies and cancer and crotch crickets and festering boils of "You said you weren't sleeping with anyone else, you lying bastard!" at your local food bank?

Senators supporting the measure have circulated a list of some 300 alternatives for low-income Ohio women seeking reproductive services.

That tally, though, includes many duplicates, dentist offices, school nurses, senior centers, addiction treatment centers, and a food bank as options for Ohio women.

We were unaware that such options existed. When we think "It's time to spread 'em for my gyno again," we do not think, "Hey, I can do that while I'm getting my teeth cleaned!" But why not give it a try, ladies? Or perhaps call up your neighborhood methadone clinic and say, "Hello, I am not addicted to smoking all the drug pills in my veins, but I might be pregnant with AIDS, can you help?" Maybe they can help!

Several of those providers confirmed that they do not provide STI testing or any other reproductive health services. A spokeswoman for the Freestore Foodbank in Cincinnati, which appears on the list, said the group doesn’t provide any medical services at all, although it helps people enroll in healthcare. “We’re just a drug and alcohol treatment center,” said a representative for the Center for Chemical Addictions, also on the list.

No, they cannot help, SAD, oh well. At least Ohio will stop Planned Parenthood from using your taxpayer bucks to sell your babies on Craigslist. That's what matters! Even though no Planned Parenthoods are doing that, and yes, everyone has double triple quadruple checked and WATCHED THE VIDEO to make sure.

Still, this holiday season, when you're cleaning out your pantry to drop off expired cans of creamed corn at the food bank -- or at Walmart -- for the poors to be so thankful, why not drop in some pregnancy tests too, while you're at it?

[The Guardian]