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Oklahoma's House of Representatives has gotten on its white horse and rode up to the rescue of poor, poor county clerks who just can't be imposed upon to do their fucking jobs -- issuing marriage licenses to everyone, even the homo sort -- due to their Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™. It's passed a bill, introduced by State Rep. Todd Russ, which would take ALL MARRIAGE out of the hands of the state, and sign that responsibility over to Pastor Joseph who handles the snakes:

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Oklahoma would stop issuing marriage licenses under legislation passed Tuesday afternoon by the Oklahoma House of Representatives.

House Bill 1125, by Rep. Todd Russ, R-Cordell, would instead require those officiating marriage ceremonies to file after-the-fact “certificates of marriage” with court clerks’ offices. Alternatively, couples could file affidavits of common law marriage.

Russ said his bill is intended to “protect” county court clerks who do not want to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

“This takes them out of the trap,” he said.

The Tulsa World points out that the law would no longer say that marriage has to be one man, one woman, calling it "ironic." We call it "hey look, a Red State actually listened to a judge!"

Democrats of Oklahoma, that lefty liberal cohort, seem to agree:

Opponents, most of them Democrats, said the bill would create a scenario in which Republicans will have legalized same-sex marriages even if the U.S. Supreme Court overturns the lower court rulings the bill seeks to counter.

We assume the Tulsa World reporter forgot to include the part of the quote where the Democratic opponents of the bill added, "which would be fine by us, obviously, as we are not shitheads."

Here, have some bill! It explains (no it doesn't, it is confusing as fuck) that in lieu of a marriage license, “an ordained or authorized preacher or minister of the Gospel, priest or other ecclesiastical dignitary of any denomination” would sign a “certificate of marriage” after marrying up some folks. Then you go and ... hand in your marriage certificate to those poor, put-upon county clerks! WHAT IF THEY DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT?

Sadface, the bill does not say.

Oh, but what about the atheists? WHO WILL MARRY THE GODLESS HEATHEN ATHEISTS??? Well, funny story! All our compadre liberal blogs are reporting that only pastors (or Hindu ... yogis, we guess?, or rabbis from the Jooz) can sign these here marriage certificates, except that is not actually true.

While the original HB1125 did strike "judges" from the folks eligible to consecrate Bubba Darryl and Caitlyn Grace's holy union, the version that was passed puts those judges right back in there -- and that's been the operative version since Feb. 18.

Liberal blogs, may we suggest READING THE GODDAMN BILL ONCE IN A WHILE?

We are just saying.

In fact, now that judges are back in (no word on ship captains), Rep. Todd Russ seems to have actually done Oklahoma a favor. Not only does the bill make no mention of marriage as between "one man and one woman" or "husband and wife," but in fact the only change to existing law is that there's one fewer hoop you have to jump through before you can git your weddin' on. No need to get licensed first to get hitched up proper.

And it all worked out fine in the end.

(Buttsechs.)

[Tulsa World via Towleroad]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Oh hi! Michael Cohen is going to jail, because he is guilty! Just like Paul Manafort is guilty and GO THE FUCK TO JAIL! WHERE HE ALREADY WAS! (Read up on that here!) And all this news came out in the same hour, somehow, because we live in the dumbest fucking episode of "Law & Order" Dick Wolf ever threw on the cutting room floor, on account of how it was too stupid for words.

However, Cohen avoided a big nasty trial (or series of trials, like Manafort opted for) by just cold pleading guilty to a buncha fuckin' crimes, like a crimer who does a buncha fuckin' crimes all the time. And he implicated Donald Trump in a couple of them!

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HOLY FUCK this afternoon! Michael Cohen just finished a hearing in a New York courtroom where he said, "DURRRR I AM SO GUILTY," but this post is not about that. This post is about how Paul Manafort verdict has just come out! He has been found guilty on eight of the 18 charges he faced in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA). The jury is hopelessly deadlocked on the other 10, and so a mistrial will be declared on those and Paul Manafort may get to be retried on them, in addition to his next trial over conspiracies against the United States and witness tampering, which starts next month in Washington DC. Maybe the government will decide Manafort is going to die in jail anyway, and play hooky from retrying those other counts. They probably need a vacay, don't you think?

Trump really does hire the best people!

NBC News's Ken Dilanian broke the news that Manafort has been convicted on five counts of tax fraud, one count of failing to report a foreign bank account on an IRS form, and two charges of bank fraud. The short version of that is that he is guilty of EIGHT FEDERAL FELONIES (so far) and he is going to jail for EIGHT MILLION YEARS for each count. (OK, that is probably not completely accurate. But still, welcome to prison, Paul Manafort!)

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