Old Wisconsin Lady Can't Sleep, What With ISIS Having Rough Sex Next Door
Guess we really WILL have to bomb Agrabah now.
We've all had THOSE neighbors. You've taken your night time sleepytime medicine, you're flipping the clicker back and forth between Lawrence Welk reruns and the Home Shopping Network, and you're ready to dream about doing the Charleston with visiting Navy men (you're 82 in this scenario), but ISIS just moved in next door, and they have A LOT OF SEX. And it's not just the headboard knocking against the wall, but they are saying ISISes too, while they are doing it! What, you have not had this kind of neighbor?
An 82-year-old woman called Brown Deer Police Sunday night requesting police because she heard someone chanting, "ISIS is good, ISIS is great" while having sex.
WTF kind of sex chant is that? Some kind of take-off on the traditional kiddies' "God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food" prayer, but, instead they're thankful for hot hard Radical Islamic Fucking?
Or maybe the people were not actually sex-shouting ANYTHING like what the old lady heard. Because the traditional Muslin version of "OH GOD I'M CUMMING!" is probably closer to "ALLAHU AKBAR!" than anything else.
The local police chief thought it was pretty hilarious:
Nosy neighbors are the worst. Now every time the poor people who live next door to this lady want to Bristol each other in the what-whats, they're going to be worried Gladys Kravitz is over there holding a cup up to the wall eavesdropping, making sure they're not plotting the destruction of America with their terror-boning.
Of course, they could have some fun with her. If she's a traditional old lady, they could say things traditional old ladies like to hear like, "Big sale at Hobby Lobby!" and "Back in my day!"
[contextly_sidebar id="DtYfuu7pklzmUoiXZykKxvH2ykl4Om5E"]If we may stop and be serious for a moment, THIS POOR LADY! She is an Old, and she probably doesn't do internets very good, and her grandchildren never call, never write, and all she has to do all day is be a committed member of Fox News's eleventy-billion-year-old audience. She probably listens to them day in, day out, telling her that the ISIS terrorists and the Syrian refugees are hiding in the bushes outside her house, or on the other side of the wall, just waiting to get her when she lets her guard down on the way to the Walgreens for the big sale on butterscotches. Or even worse, she might be a Donald Trump supporter.
Or maybe this lady is right and ISIS lives next door to everybody in America and is about to establish a caliphate, IN YOUR PANTS.
[WDJT Milwaukee viaRawStory]
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.