Ever been in an uncomfortable situation with the president of the United States? OK, a million American women just raised their hands, so we'll narrow it down. Ever felt like Sarah Huckabee Sanders led you into the Oval Office against your will, but you didn't quite know what to say about it, because on the one hand, you are a journalist covering the Trump administration, therefore you like to get #scoops, but on the other hand, SHIT IN THERE IS FUCKING CREEPY?

That is the story Olivia Nuzzi is telling at New York mag, about what happened when suddenly out of nowhere she was shuffled into the Oval Office, and forced to watch the most bizarre dog-and-pony show meant to convey that everything in the White House is FINE, JAN, IT'S FINE.

Accompanying the president were his trusty pals Judge, Squi and PJ, AKA John Kelly, Mike Pompeo and Mike Pence, and everybody agreed that it was just marvelous they all found themselves in the Oval at the same time, so they could say the most bizarre shit in the world to Olivia Nuzzi.

And when we say "most bizarre," we mean WEIRD and BAD. Trump seemed to be obsessed with the notion that Nuzzi was going to write a very bad story that said the White House isn't a picture perfect well-oiled tight ship machine, and moreover that she was going to write about the supposedly bad relationship between Trump and John Kelly, which is GOOD, DAMMIT, THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, LOOK, THEY ARE KISSING RIGHT NOW!

It happened this past Tuesday, as Nuzzi was actually on her way out of the White House:

As I walked, I noticed I had a missed call from a Washington number I didn't recognize. It was Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She sounded very serious. She asked me if I had left yet. When I said no, she asked me to come back inside, and when she greeted me, she looked very serious. She implied she wanted me to go with her behind a door. I didn't understand, maybe didn't quite hear her. Then, she told me Trump wanted to speak to me.

Uh ... OK?

Nuzzi writes that she figured maybe Trump wanted to say her story about him and John Kelly not being best friends OMG LOOK THEY ARE STILL KISSING was not true, but she says her "imagination was too limited."

What ensued amounted to a private press conference — featuring a series of special guest stars from the highest echelon of the Trump administration — to try to get me to change my mind.

And for real, EVERYBODY showed up. And it was all just a happy accident! Mike Pompeo showed up and Mike Pence showed up and John Kelly showed up and they all said their lines about how none of them ever fight with Trump PERFECTLY.

Also, Trump said this word salad:

"But I want to tell you a couple of things: the chief is doing a very good job. I'm very happy with him, we have a very good relationship, number one. Number two, I didn't offer anybody else the job. I didn't talk to anybody about the job. And I'm not, I'm not looking. Now, look, with time, do people leave? As an example, Nikki Haley told me six months ago, even a year ago — but six months ago, that, you know, she's been governor, she's done this, she's helped us with the campaign, a lot of good things, and you probably saw the conference. It was a very, very positive thing. We have a very positive story going on at the White House. We have a very positive story for the country. We're doing a great job. We have the greatest economy in the history of our country. We have among the greatest job numbers. Among many groups, we have the greatest job numbers. We have things going on that are phenomenal on trade. China wants to make a deal — I said, you're not ready yet. But they wanna make a deal, and at some point we might. Iran wants to make a deal. They all wanna make a deal. We have great things going. We have a very smooth-running organization even though it's never reported that way. So the real story is that. It's really the real story. When you walk in here, you don't see chaos. There is no chaos. The media likes to portray chaos. There's no chaos. I'm leaving for Iowa in a little while. We're doing something that's going to be very exciting tonight in Iowa. A big, a big announcement, actually. Doing four rallies this week. I think the rallies have, frankly, built up our poll numbers very greatly. What am I now in Rasmussen? 52?"

No, it was 51, but that doesn't matter, Trump says, because actually when you read polls, you are supposed to take the people who don't answer the question, which is always 10 percent, and add that to your total, because those are "automatic" votes for you, which means by Trump's tortured abacus math, his approval rating is approximately ELEVENTY THOUSAND PERCENT, whereas his disapproval rating is apparently just this one mean lady in New York named Hillary.

After Trump delivered the rambling syphilis monologue up there, he delivered seven more just like it, as if he was doing a private Trump rally for Olivia Nuzzi, which is kind of creepy. He also forced Nuzzi to read a list of all his accomplishments, which, as she notes, was padded with "accomplishments" like "Republicans want STRONG BORDERS and NO CRIME. Democrats want OPEN BORDERS which equals MASSIVE CRIME." That is not an "accomplishment," Mister Fuckbonkers! That is just Sean Hannity's diarrhea, and somebody needs to clean. it. up.

We don't want to spoil the whole article for you, because Olivia Nuzzi tells it so well, and we absolutely love that she wrote this story, instead of the original story she was looking for, about how John Kelly manages to keep his job. But here is one more graf, about Nuzzi's reflections on why John Kelly showed up in this TOTALLY SPONTANEOUS Oval Office meeting in the first place:

Kelly had appeared in the room, a wary expression on his face, which resembles a cross between Wallace Shawn and Woody Harrelson. Kelly's military service began in 1970 and over the decades took him around the world. He'd served in Belgium and he'd overseen U.S. and Iraqi forces in Iraq and operations across 32 countries in Central America, South America, and the Caribbean. It seems silly to think that such a person would ever give a fuck about anything related to matters of palace intrigue in this White House. Had he known we'd be discussing this? Had the president ordered him to be here? Was it all a coincidence?

Also John Kelly says White House lunch is good because "best french fries in the world" and everybody else who showed up was weird and gross too. And then there was the part where John Kelly made out with Nick Ayers, who is Mike Pence's chief of staff, and to whom Trump allegedly has offered Kelly's job:

"Hey, Olivia." I turned toward the room again to see Kelly and Ayers entwined, their arms stretched around each other and their faces pressed close together. They smiled theatrically. "This is my friend," Kelly said.

What. The. Fuck.

In conclusion, READ THE WHOLE THING, as they say on the internet, which is conveniently where we are right now!

[The New Yorker]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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