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Not today, Vladimir :(


We don't know how to tell you this, but the Trump White House is being vaguely mean to Russia right now. Whoa if true, right? They are swatting Russia on its bottom and saying "No dessert if you don't finish your peas, RUSSIA!" and "Just wait until your father comes home, RUSSIA!" We presume Donald Trump has already had a secret Bumble chat with Vladimir Putin to explain why he has to do these things we're going to tell you about right now.

First of all, PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE BORSCHT, the Treasury Department is finally going to implement a few of those sanctions Congress passed almost unanimously, months ago. Hooray! And as a bonus, some of it is even in response to 2016 election meddling! No word on whether Trump has also announced plans to sanction all 400-pound kids in New Jersey sitting on their beds AKA the real hackers, but we are sure that is coming. As the Washington Post explains, on top of sanctions for election meddling, the administration is punishing Russia for a cyberattack it did last year, against Ukraine and a host of other countries. This is progress, sort of?

The election meddling sanctions are a tiny first step in obeying Congress's authori-tah, and it's notable that most of them are being slapped on Russian people and entities associated with the Internet Research Agency, the troll farm responsible for all kinds of Facebook and Twitter bullfuckery during the election. Special counsel Robert Mueller indicted a bunch of those very same poot sacks, so maybe the Mueller investigation isn't a great big hoax to make an excuse for why the Democrats lost an election they should have won, NOW IS IT? Also, the FSB and GRU (Russian intel agencies) are subject to new sanctions, so that's good. On the other hand, there aren't a bunch of new sanctions against big oligarchs in Putin's inner circle, and certainly not against Putin himself, as that would be unkind and probably not within the terms of the agreement Putin and Trump have.

But Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin says his department isn't done:

Mnuchin said that his department intends to impose additional sanctions to hold Russian officials and oligarchs “accountable for their destabilizing activities by severing their access to the U.S. financial system.”

WaPo quotes Russia's deputy foreign minister Sergei Ryabkov, who is laughing off the sanctions and saying America is just trying to "destabilize" Russia's upcoming presidential "election," which is definitely a real "election" where "votes" are "counted," and thus very susceptible to "destablization." You betcha!

The timing of this sanctions announcement is interesting, considering what's going on with that former Russian spy/British citizen Sergei Skripal, whom Russia recently tried to murder in broad daylight on British soil, possibly because Skripal is connected to THE DOSSIER, or possibly because Russia is just a fucking thug. On Wednesday, Prime Minister Theresa May made good on her threats to kick Russia squarely in the bing bong for the attack, expelling 23 Russian diplomats and taking a few other actions, though she is being criticized for doing Not Enough. (IDEA: Beat the shit out of them with sanctions and freeze all of Putin's money?)

This morning, Trump signed on to a pretty definitive statement with May, French President Emmanuel Macron and German Chancellor Angela Merkel, condemning Russia for the attack:

"We share the UK assessment that there is no plausible alternative explanation [besides #RUSSIADIDIT], and note that Russia's failure to address the legitimate request by the UK government further underlines its responsibility."

Man, we bet Donald Trump pulled a muscle in his orange groin when he signed that.

This comes a day after UN Ambassador Nikki Haley said VERY HARDASS THINGS at an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders released an official White House statement that, incredibly, actually laid the blame on Russia for acting like a common Russia. It also comes two days after Donald Trump strangely and suddenly fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson on Twitter, just after Tillerson also too said VERY HARDASS THINGS about the Russian attack on the UK.

We guess it was just getting a li'l bit too hot in the kitchen for the Trump White House not to say anything.

During a press spray Thursday with Leo Varadkar, the Taoiseach (prime minister for you dumbasses) of Ireland, Trump was asked about the British attack, and here is what came out of his cat butthole mouth:

“I spoke with the prime minister and we are in deep discussions, a very sad situation,” Trump said. “It certainly looks like the Russians are behind it, something that should never, ever happen.” He added that his administration was taking the attack “very seriously.”

IT SURE DOES LOOK LIKE IT! Trump doesn't like saying so, because for real, it hurts him more than it hurts Russia, but HE GUESSES Russia did a bad, bad thing.

At press time, allegedly, Donald Trump was in bed with his head under the covers having an extended Executive Time, holding on to one of his stuffed animals so tightly you'd think it was a pussy he had just grabbed without its owner's consent. Rocking back and forth, it sounded like he was muttering incomprehensible things about how he hopes Russia doesn't put the pee tape on YouTube today, but it was hard to tell exactly what he was saying because Donald Trump is bad at words.

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[Washington Post / ibid.]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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