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Sure we believe it!


Here is another story of Dr. Ben Carson, world-famous neurosurgeon and egyptologist and attempted murderer and double-barreled brain-totin' badass robber-beater-upper. And we definitely believe it, because it is coming direct from the mouth of one Mrs. Candy Carson, on Fox News:

Yes, he drove into one of the gas stations that was near work, and it wasn’t the greatest neighborhood, but went in to pay and it was his baby, the Jaguar. So when he came out, he noticed that the car was starting to drive off.

And then, because he was armed and not some dumb Jewish who died in the Holocaust for not loving the Second Amendment enough, he shot his gun PEW PEW PEW! at the car that was driving away from him? No, better than that:

So he chased it. and you know, caught up, and when the guys, they got out of the car, they put it in park. They said “Wait a minute, are you that doctor?” They were shaking hands, taking pictures.

And so the good That Doctor whipped out his camera that he also keeps on him all the time, next to his gun, and took some friendly pictures with the would-be carjackers and probably gave them his autograph too, why not? And then he took them out to dinner at the nearby Popeyes Organization, why not that also?

And that is exactly how it happened, according to Candy Carson, who was not there but it's like she was there because of how he told her in such vivid detail when he explained why he was late getting home that night, and that is why "she" "wrote" about "the carjacking" in her "book" featuring her awesome husband, Ben Carson, who is awesome.

We assume that, like all the other crimes Ben Carson heroically stopped except for the ones he was personally committing (#thuglife), there are no police reports to corroborate this definitely totally true and not made up AT ALL story. But then, since he was able to chase down these carjackers on foot and explain to them, "I believe you want the other car over there," and they were awful sorry once they realized the car they were stealing belonged to Dr. Ben Carson, whose face every carjacker knows, obviously, no harm, no foul, no reason to involve the police, right? Right.

And OK so maybe this particular story has never made it into any of Carson's books about himself -- or any books about the founding fathers who wanted to be just like Ben Carson when they grew up 700 years ago, on Noah's Ark -- but it's hard to keep track of all of his heroic-slash-violent acts.

And OK so maybe some parts of this story might not be quite right and maybe he wasn't at a gas station but at a motel, the kind with the magic fingers beds, and maybe the "carjackers" were actually a hot new nurse, and maybe Carson "chased" her "on foot" with his penis. Or maybe not! We don't know because we weren't there. But then, neither was Mrs. Carson.

Besides, it was probably 50 years ago anyway, so who cares about the details? Dr. Carson is a hero, and that's all you need to know.

[Mediaite]

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