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Only Mitt Romney Can Stop The Grave Soviet Threat

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Former Reagan Navy Secretary John Lehman, a Romney surrogate, held atroubling conference call today that should terrify able-bodied, capitalist Cold Warriors everywhere: "We’re seeing the Soviets pushing into the Arctic with no response from us." Filthy conniving Reds... you can never trust that Brezhnev. One day it's detente, next day it's "castrate Santa; torch the elves." And yet Obama says nothing; mostly because it's 2012.


It is true that Russia, a country that was called the Soviet Union two decades ago, is pushing into the Arctic -- right off its northern coastline, to drill for stuff. Those godless bastards. And yet Obama won't nuke them for this? He just doesn't get it.

And did you know that the Czech Republic reverts its name to Czechoslovakia every four years, during U.S. presidential elections? Bless their hearts; they do it to make things easier for Republican presidential candidates and surrogates like Pierre Prosper, possessor of the comical top credential, "George W. Bush's Ambassador-at-Large for War Crimes Issues":

“You know, Russia is another example where we give and Russia gets and we get nothing in return,” Prosper said. “The United States abandoned its missile defense sites in Poland and Czechoslovakia, yet Russia does nothing but obstruct us, or efforts in Iran and Syria.”

But this is nitpicky, to point out their slips of the tongue. The point is: Mitt Romney would launch a ground war against Russia, because of the Arctic Circle, while Barack Obama would do drugs with Vladimir Putin all the time instead.

[TPM]

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Cripes the News has been awful lately! And so Yr Editrix suggested we find some good, positive news. Especially after we pitched writing a Wonket about this Mother Jones story on how global warming may be killing the whales, even though Donald Trump knows their prince. (Reply: "Nope. FOR SURE NOT THAT.") And so, as a reminder that a gooder world is possible and apropos of nothing at all that definitely didn't set your Editrix off on Twitter, where she has been stewing and bitching most shrillfully about the 2016 election and the 2020 election and any terrible similarities thereof and thereupon and therefore and thereto, we present a collection of videos of Elizabeth Warren yelling at big banks and calling for them to be broken up and their criminal operators to go to jail. Puppies and kittens will only get you so far, after all.

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