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Only Mitt Romney Can Stop The Grave Soviet Threat

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Former Reagan Navy Secretary John Lehman, a Romney surrogate, held atroubling conference call today that should terrify able-bodied, capitalist Cold Warriors everywhere: "We’re seeing the Soviets pushing into the Arctic with no response from us." Filthy conniving Reds... you can never trust that Brezhnev. One day it's detente, next day it's "castrate Santa; torch the elves." And yet Obama says nothing; mostly because it's 2012.


It is true that Russia, a country that was called the Soviet Union two decades ago, is pushing into the Arctic -- right off its northern coastline, to drill for stuff. Those godless bastards. And yet Obama won't nuke them for this? He just doesn't get it.

And did you know that the Czech Republic reverts its name to Czechoslovakia every four years, during U.S. presidential elections? Bless their hearts; they do it to make things easier for Republican presidential candidates and surrogates like Pierre Prosper, possessor of the comical top credential, "George W. Bush's Ambassador-at-Large for War Crimes Issues":

“You know, Russia is another example where we give and Russia gets and we get nothing in return,” Prosper said. “The United States abandoned its missile defense sites in Poland and Czechoslovakia, yet Russia does nothing but obstruct us, or efforts in Iran and Syria.”

But this is nitpicky, to point out their slips of the tongue. The point is: Mitt Romney would launch a ground war against Russia, because of the Arctic Circle, while Barack Obama would do drugs with Vladimir Putin all the time instead.

[TPM]

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No pressure in November, but looks like the Supreme Court is going to do FUCK ALL about gerrymandering this term. In a unanimous decision authored by Chief Justice Roberts, the Court remanded the landmark Gill v. Whitford redistricting case on standing -- in other words, they won't be ruling on it because the plaintiffs challenging the gerrymander hadn't adequately proved that they personally had the right to challenge Wisconsin's preposterous districts.

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We have been hearing ever since late last week that Michael Cohen is probably about to be arrested and probably going to be indicted on one million charges and probably maybe might be about to try to flip and make a deal so that he doesn't end up in prison for the rest of his natural life. In fact, we have been hanging our hopes on it, because everything else sucks. Sure, we are still filled with joy over how Paul Manafort is on day four of JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER, JAIL, but then we remembered what is happening on the border and what we are saying right now is we need something happy.

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