Rod Blagojevich's Mug Shot

Like a seat in the US Senate, a presidential pardon is a fucking valuable thing. You just don't give it away for nothing.

Rod Blagojevich -- do you remember? -- is back, this time with an op-ed that compares both himself and President Pussygrabber to none other than Abraham Lincoln. In a piece for right-wing propaganda outlet Newsmax, titled "House Democrats Would Have Impeached Lincoln."

And, honestly ... it's amazing.

The man who was impeached and sent to prison for public corruption after trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat apparently has a lot to say about impeachment and public corruption. Some of it is a desperate attempt for a pardon from President Extortion. And the rest of it is a simultaneously sad and hilarious attempt to liken himself and Trump to Abraham Lincoln.

The piece is appropriately batshit and hits all of Trump's favorite nonsensical talking points. From invoking Queen Nancy as the bad guy ...

Recently I've wondered what would have happened had Nancy Pelosi been the Speaker of the House when Abraham Lincoln was president.

... to falling in line with the GOP pig manure about how today's Democrats are bad because Democrats in the 1860s were bad ...

In fact, at the time Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, the Democrats of that day opposed it.

... and the false claim that impeachment is the same as undoing an election.

And the worst part of it is, that should this happen, those politicians are taking from the people their right to choose their own leaders though free elections.

Buckle up, kids. This is going to be a bumpy -- and hilarious! -- ride.


Let's begin with the introduction, shall we?

In 1998 I was a member of the U.S. House of Representatives during the Clinton impeachment, and in 2009, as the 40th governor of Illinois, I had the unhappy experience of being impeached and removed from office.

Nevertheless, I offer this interesting and unique perspective about impeachment as I sit here in prison.

Well I can't wait to hear this.

Federal Inmate No. 40892-424 asks at the beginning of the piece:

Would Speaker Pelosi's House Democrats use the same flimsy impeachment standard they are currently using to impeach Honest Abe, one of the greatest presidents in the history of our country?

HMM, HAVING ALREADY READ THE TITLE OF THIS HOT GARBAGE, I THINK I MIGHT KNOW WHAT CONCLUSION HE'S GOING TO COME TO!

First, today's Democrats would have impeached Lincoln for obstruction of Congress and abuse of power when he unilaterally issued his Emancipation Proclamation.

Umm ... sure, buddy. Whatever you say.

Next, we get to the part where Governor Ken Doll Hair likens Lincoln trying to stop the Civil War from happening by courting Robert E. Lee to Trump extorting a foreign government to investigate a political rival. Because sure, that tracks.

And then there's the matter of the job offer to Robert E. Lee. Shortly after the firing on Fort Sumter by secessionists in South Carolina, and one day after Virginia seceded from the Union, President Lincoln sent an emissary to Robert E. Lee to offer him command of the Northern armies ...

Can't you see how a Speaker Pelosi and many of today's House Democrats would call for the appointment of a Special Counsel to investigate Lincoln for "Confederate Collusion" and bring impeachment charges for abuse of power for offering the top military command to a guy who would go on to become the top military commander of the other side?

Ummm ... does hypothetical 1860s Nancy, who wouldn't even have the right to vote much less be Speaker of the House, also have the ability to see the future? Because otherwise, I'm not sure how she would know that he would go on to become the top military commander of the other side.

And surely, articles of impeachment would be brought against Lincoln by today's House Democrats for suspending the writ of habeas corpus across the Union as it related to traitors, spies, prisoners of war and Union soldiers.

This one really pisses me off.

Listen buddy. I'm from Illinois, too. I have a lot of respect for Abraham Lincoln. But that certainly does not mean every single thing he did was right. His suspension of habeas corpus was incredibly unconstitutional, not to mention wrong.

Now, reasonable minds can disagree on whether it was justified or made a difference in the war, but obviously you have no interest in being reasonable -- or even trying to make a coherent argument. You're just trying to lick Trump's asshole in the hopes that it will get you out of prison.

People like you are the reason our state's politics have such a shitty -- and well-deserved -- reputation.

Unsurprisingly, Blagojevich has no problem with underhanded duplicity, as long as it gets you what you want.

Taking a page from the playbook that would later be associated with the old-style Chicago Democrat machine, Lincoln's campaign aides made full use of their home-field advantage by printing 5,000 counterfeit tickets to the Republican convention to pack the halls with Lincoln supporters.

This tactic worked. With throngs of Lincoln supporters in the convention hall gallery cheering on their favorite son, a steamroller effect was created that led to the dark-horse Lincoln winning the nomination on the third ballot.

Would today's House Democrats impeach Lincoln for alleged fraudulent practices at the convention claiming he was an illegitimate president?

There is a lot to unpack here, but I think my favorite part is the invocation of the "old-style Chicago Democrat machine." Someone has a sad because he went to prison for things that Illinois governors and Chicago mayors used to get away with.

And, like ... is Governor Public Corruption really arguing that presidential candidates should engage in fraud in order to get their party's nomination?

Of course, we also have a few lines thrown in that are intended to speak to Trump directly:

No president is safe if a majority of hyperpartisan House members from the opposition party are willing to abuse the Constitution and vote to impeach ...

So much for "government of the people, by the people, and for the people" not perishing from this earth.

Cute.

The article ends by reminding us that:

Rod Blagojevich served as the 40th governor of Illinois, 2003-09.

Yes, yes he did. UNTIL HE WAS REMOVED FROM OFFICE AND THROWN IN PRISON FOR TRYING TO SELL THE PRESIDENT'S SENATE SEAT.

Rod Blagojevich is one of the most corrupt governors the state of Illinois has ever had -- and in Illinois, that's really saying something! From 1973 to 2010, four different Illinois governors were sent to prison. After the state amazingly managed to elect a non-corrupt Illinoisan president, Blagojevich managed to still make my home state a national laughingstock for our ridiculous and outlandish public corruption. The tapes of his wiretaps are straight-up hilarious, as long as you pretend that they're fiction and not actually coming from the state's chief executive. Then, to add insult to injury, he refused to resign from office, despite unanimous bipartisan support for his removal.

A pardon makes sense, because someone like Blagojevich would never be granted parole. Even people who are actually innocent of the crimes they were convicted of are frequently denied parole for claiming their innocence of the crimes; parole boards look for acceptance and remorse. Almost eight years into his prison sentence, Governor Bribery still sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he did.

It makes sense that Blago would turn to Trump; the two assholes have a lot in common! Both have been impeached, both are corrupt motherfuckers, both have made some very questionable hair choices, both fancy themselves the second coming of Christ, and both are disgraced former reality "tv stars."

Want to see Trump yelling at Blago for being bad at Harry Potter and then firing Blago for being bad at Harry Potter? Here you go!

Trump seems to have noticed the similarities (and Mrs. Blago's Fox News appearances), hinting last August at a potential pardon for Blago -- a pardon initially endorsed by none other than Trump's favorite pretty boy, Jared Kushner.

Can we just fast-forward this to the part where Blago bribes Trump into a pardon and they wind up sharing a prison cell? Because THAT is a reality tv show I'd LOVE to watch.

Just kidding, I wouldn't actually watch it. But its existence would be a fitting end to both Trump's presidency and his freedom.

[Newsmax]

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Jamie Lynn Crofts
Jamie Lynn Crofts is sick of your bullshit. When she’s not wrangling cats, she’s probably writing about nerdy legal stuff, rocking out at karaoke, or tweeting about god knows what. Jamie would kindly like to remind everyone that it’s perfectly legal to tell Bob Murray to eat shit.
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