Our Long National Nightmare Beginneth Today! Liveblogging Donald Trump's Inauguration, Help Us Jesus
OR WAS IT?
Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God.
OK. Here we are. In a few hours, Donald Trump (Donald fuckin' Trump!) will be inaugurated (inaugurated!) as president (president!) of the United States. (Our country! The one we live in and love more than Trump does! OH GOD!) Yes, after a bruising election, Trump managed to pull off a victory that's only historic on account of how many millions more people voted for his opponent than voted for him. This was supposed to be Hillary Clinton's day. Oh god.
But here we are, and we are going to liveblog this fucker until it's over, and then we are going to start drinking. Or we are going to start drinking and then liveblog.
If you are in DC, you know the editrix is there too, yeah? We are going to party like it's the apocalypse, because it is! So if you want to hang out and pregame the inauguration and then watch it with us and yell at the screen, here are the details:
The Bottom Line
1716 I (Eye) Street NW
Washington DC 20006
Red Line to Farragut North
Blue and Orange Line to Farragut West
We will get there around 10 AM, and you can join us? We will buy beers? WE ARE SO LONELY FOR YOU! We said we would be there till like three, but that sounds a little ridiculous now, so get there earlier than that. Like 2!
Then, tomorrow, we will be participating in the MAIN EVENT of the weekend, the thing most of the tourists are in town for, which is the Women's March AKA the I Fucking Hate Donald Trump And I'm Pissed March. If you want to join yr Wonkette, meet us at Potbelly Sandwiches, 409 3rd St SW, at 9:30 a.m. on Saturday morning.
OK! We can do this. Liveblog starts ... NOW! (Remember to obsessively refresh this page throughout the day.)
9:50: OK, hi. It's happening, it's really happening. Donald and Melania Trump (who looks gorgeous ... her husband looks like his normal thin-skinned, tiny-handed pathetic self) are at the White House doing the tea and coffee summit with Barry and Michelle, like TER-DITION SAYS. Also, Mike Pence and his wife Karen are there meeting with Joe and Jill Biden, and oh God, Joe Scarborough is on MSNBC saying some fucking bullshit about how you can't root against this president without rooting against the country, to which we reply FUCK YOU JOE, WE'RE ROOTING AGAINST HIM BECAUSE ARE FUCKING PATRIOTS WHO LOVE THIS COUNTRY.
Anyway, hi, we are here, we will be here all day.
9:55: The Trump children have arrived at the Capitol, even Tiffany, who seems to have brought a gentleman friend with her. He has facial hair and maybe they are boning. Maybe they already boned today. GO TIFFANY!
10:00: Oh good, Joe and Mika are no longer on the air, probably because now it's time for them to go to the White House and lick the bottoms of Trump's toes. Now we are watching Rachel Maddow and Brian Williams, at least until we get bored and decide to switch to Fox News to see how many times Sean Hannity has jizzed on ALL OF IT KATIE HE'S SO EXCITED.
10:05: Here they are. From left to right: Michelle, Melania, Pussgrab, Barack.
This is really fucking happening. Also Kellyanne Conway was just on our teevee screen and What. The. Fuck. Is. She. Wearing.
10:11: Nah for real, who picked out these clothing items?
Sorry if you want hard-hitting analysis right now, but we Can't Even just as much as you, so our gay ass is probably going to do a bunch of commentary on What Is She Wearing, I Mean, GURL!
10:15: John Boehner is there. He is not crying no more, because he doesn't have to work in Washington no more.
Additionally, Katy Tur just talked to a Trump lady on the MSNBC, "Trish," who said she voted for Trump because she "supports keeping the Supreme Court the way it is." We guess we missed where Hillary Clinton wanted to abolish it and Trump promised he would let it stay.
10:19: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: While all the networks are going on and on about how this is such an AMERICAN thing that's happening right now, so graceful, blah blah blah, "peaceful transition," let's take a moment to remind everyone that THIS IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL FOR US TO BE INAUGURATING AN AUTOCRATIC THIN-SKINNED FASCIST FUCKFACE AS PRESIDENT.
10:24: Back to talking about what Kellyanne Conway is wearing.
Apparently it is also her 50th birthday. Happy effing birthday, dickhead.
10:28: We are not the only ones. THOSE ARE CAT FACE BUTTONS.
10:32: Y'ALL. The world is broken.
Because obviously the Stupidest Man On The Internet should be able to cover the Stupidest President On The Internet UP CLOSE REAL TIME.
10:38: Oh look, here is what the Obamas are doing after the White House. It is the Obama Foundation! It will be based in Chicago! (#ShadowGovernment)
10:44: Hello, Hot Evil Jared. You know you don't deserve to be here, right?
10:46: And here are the Carters. God only knows what the hell is going through Jimmy Carter's brain right now. Whatever it is, we're pretty sure it's more Christian than whatever we can muster.
10:50: Fuck, they're all leaving the White House to ACTUALLY GO DO THIS. Here's Michelle and Melania:
And here is your president and that shithead:
And here is the person who this day would have been for, had it not been for Russia and the FBI:
Hi Hillary. We love you, Hillary.
10:56: Want to do something better than watching the end of the American republic? Here is a list of EVERY BOOK Barack Obama has recommended as president. It is a LONG LIST, because Obama is smart.
Trump's list is Hitler speeches and Penthouse magazine.
11:00: Oh, Hillz, you are doing SO GOOD AT SMILING. If you want to stare daggers and growl at people, that is also acceptable. Or like make the universal jack-off motion while Trump is attempting to sound out the oath of office. Do that.
11:06: Ivanka, Uday, Qusay.
11:09: Poor little Barron Trump looks so unhappy and he had to walk in behind the grown-up Trump kids and nobody was talking to him and even the TV journalists are saying, "I wish somebody was looking after Barron," but nobody is, because he has bad parents.
Also here is that creep Steve Bannon and that other creep Reince Priebus:
11:12: Then again, none of them REALLY look happy:
HI BILL AND HILLARY AGAIN, DO SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING, MAKE THIS STOP!
11:15: She is standing next to Dubya. OH THEY ARE ALL PUTTING ON SUCH GOOD FACES:
11:17: "GIRL, IS IT BRUNCH-THIRTY YET?"
11:21: Hey Melania, WHATCHA GOT THERE? He is way hotter than your husband:
11:23: End of an era, we are not crying, YOU ARE CRYING, oh god America what have we done? OH WELL ANYWAY, WE STILL CAN DRINK.
11:30: AND HEEEERE'S HITLER!
11:34: TURN AROUND AND GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM.
Anyway, the thingie has begun. We'll try to let you know what sentences these terrible people say, or maybe we will just start "The West Wing" on Netflix and go into denial for four years. What other teevee shows are about presidents and American government that you all like, so we can do denial together?
11:37: Know how he has no attention span? He is already bored and wants to be orange dictator now. Is he orange dictator yet?
11:40: Hispanic pastor guy Samuel Rodriguez recites the Beatitudes (you know the "blessed are the poor" stuff) before crazy-ass prosperity gospel lady Paula White talks about how rich people are the godliest people. Nice subtle trolling, Hispanic pastor guy!
11:42: Hey remember when this happened?
The Trump years will be just fine you bet uh huh OK.
11:44: This choir from Missouri sucks. YOU ARE NOT SOLOISTS, YOU ARE A CHOIR, DON'T MAKE YOUR MUSICAL WONKETTE WHO USED TO BE A CHOIR DIRECTOR DRIVE UP THERE AND TEACH YOU A LESSON ON "BLENDING," YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT.
11:46: Maybe they are trolling Trump too, though!
CAT BUTTONS, GIRL, CAT BUTTONS.
11:48: Now Chuck Schumer is trolling Trump by talking about gay-genders and immigrants and saying they're equal Americans, like a common Obama. Maybe Donald will tweet about over-rated Chuck Schumer during his big party!
11:53: Oh God, here is Clarence Thomas administering the oath of office to Mike Pence, oh god oh god oh god.
So that happened. THAT HAPPENED.
11:55: Time for a jaunty American tune sung by some Mormons! Obama will be president for like four more minutes, so um ... yeah.
12:00: Donald Trump. Is Now. The President. Of. The United States. This country! The one we are in! God help us.
And that was his face. Fuck everything.
Also, this actually means Barack Obama is not the president anymore. The Obama years are over.
12:03: God just starting raining on Trump.
12:04: Dear Trump voters, HE IS LYING TO YOU. The factory jobs are not coming back. It is 2017, not 1946. Breaking news.
12:06: Lots of talk about "the people" running the nation again. He means white people.
12:07: Trump voter in crowd feeling all verklempt.
Trump just said he is going to stop the carnage of the gangs or something. At least he's sort of trying to be a little bit unite-y, NOT THAT WE FUCKING BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS EVER. He also still doesn't know how to say the word "industry." He is the world's biggest ass.
12:09: This is a horrible speech. We miss President Obama.
12:10: He also does not know how to say "redistributed," and he is sniffing again. Wonder why!
12:12: Trump will build all the bridges and tunnels, because HAHAHAHA New Yorkers, you get the joke.
12:14: Oh now he says there's "no room for prejudice" and is saying Bible verses about God's people living together, HUH WEIRD. Fuck this, know what a fun TV show about preznits is? "Scandal," and it's coming back with a new season like next week!
12:16: HI HOT GUY, THANK YOU FOR DISTRACTING US.
Ugh, back to Pussburglar's speech. We're gonna make America great again, yadda yadda, fuck you. And now it's over. Trump is president, and everything is terrible.
In a little bit, the Obamas will get on a helicopter to go to Andrews Air Force Base, where they will get on the plane they've used as Air Force One for one last time, and then they will fly to Palm Springs for a vacay at their gay friends' house, because the Obamas are amazing and we will never forget them.
12:23: Franklin Graham says the fact it started raining as Trump was sworn in is a sign of God's blessing. ACTUALLY, that is something written by people who didn't understand weather systems, but whatever!
12:25: AW SHIT YO! IT'S VERY BIG STAR JACKIE EVANCHO SINGING THE SONG OF AMERICA! THIS IS TREMENDOUS!
12:28: Girl, Michelle Obama tried to enjoy that Jackie Evancho person but uh ...
For an example of "The Star-Spangled Banner" sung really well, here is Audra McDonald.
And that's that. The chopper is "Executive One," not "Marine One" as of now.
Oh, there's a surprise. The Whitehouse.gov "Climate Change" page is a goner, too:
12:55 The Bidens are getting on the train for Scranton:
1:10: Well, we're off to a great start!
1:15 Barry's talking to us one last time from Andrews, reminding us about that Hope thing:
1:18 And on the splitscreen, we guess Trump is signing some formal documents, declaring a national "hooray for America day," nominating people, and also the order allowing Gen. Mattis to serve as SecDef. No repeal of Obamacare yet.
The Trumpengrandchildren are in fact pretty cute.
1:20: OK HI IT IS EVAN AGAIN I AM BACK. Yeah, Trump signing things. Haw haw jovial time all around, this is actually happening. Barron in the background being silly with Ivanka's baby. This is normal.
1:24: WHIIIIIIIITE PEOPLE.
Ahem, white people.
1:27: Hilarious badass Democratic Rep. Rosa DeLauro sitting next to Rudy Giuliani at inauguration luncheon and holy shit that's weird.
1:36: Here are the Obamas, actually getting on their plane and leaving.
Meanwhile, at the luncheon, Trump just shook hands with Hillary for a long time and appears to have said "thank you for being here" to her. Yeah, because she's a bigger person than you, fuckbag.
1:48: Oh meow snap, Jake Tapper! This is from last night but whatever.
Anya Parampil is one of those assholes who works for RT.
1:51: Uh oh, some kind of protest getting out of hand in DC or something. Looks like police in riot gear and pepper spray and stuff and things. Let you know if it's more than a kerfuffle.
1:57: Just so you all know, Shy just checked in, he and editrix are a few blocks away from where the crazy crazy tear gas and stuff is, and they are NOT on their way over to jump in the middle of it.
2:24: Bikers For Trump on the NBC talking about how Trump is
white a total American patriot, and one actually said "Happy NoBama Day!" because that is a funny joke and good pun.
2:26: Wonkette Robyn says she is listening to this on repeat right now, and that she's not crying, YOU ARE CRYING.
2:55: At the big inauguration luncheon, Nancy Pelosi said words, and now they are giving the new president (ugh) and vice president some elegant bowls, but they are not gold-plated therefore they are :(
2:58: YOU GUYS PAUL RYAN MAKE JOKE! He said his joke is that the House of Representatives plays rugby and the Senate plays golf! Then Paul Ryan laughed too hard at Paul Ryan's joke!
3:01: Hahahaha, The Economist is being snarky:
You should try to make up your own Economist tweets in the comments! For example: "Donald Trump has the orangey-ist face ever for a president. Another trivia fact is that Barack Obama has the most beautiful penis ever, ALLEGEDLY."
Oh, and Trump actually just acknowledged Hillary and Bill Clinton and had her stand up and then everybody gave her a standing ovation. Somebody must have told him that would be a classy thing to do. BREAKING NEWS, Donald Trump has met a classy person.
3:12: Donald Trump Jr. has finished his lunch and is ready to go somewhere else now:
3:15: Hillary Clinton has now attended Shithead's inauguration, and she gets to go home and have some drinks and probably Bill will even rub her feet tonight, because she deserves it.
3:35: So reviewing the troops is part of it, and it's normal (#ThisIsNotNormal) but it's creepy because it's Donald Trump.
Hey, remember how Trump wanted to have tanks and missile launchers?
3:38: You guys, this is the car Donald Trump gets to ride in now, because God is dead.
3:48 Yr Dok Zoom taking over liveblooging for a while as we watch the exciting Inaugural Parade, with all the flashing lights but no tanks (this time), though there are rumors the Trumpers wanted some missile launchers at least. SAD.
4:04 Rachel Maddow just WENT THERE, noting that this will be the first inaugural parade with a huge military aircraft flyover since Truman in 1949, and commenting that Trump's fascination with military parades is "embarrassing" that the "only president with no public service or military experience being the one who most wants to show off the military, when your only military experience was getting deferments ... I mean, you got multiple deferments from the war that happened when you were in your prime, and you want to show off the military once you're in office? I hope there's another explanation." Kudos for not playing along with Chris Matthews's giggling "you think it's a small hands thing?"
4:12 Trump is approaching his probably illegal hotel. Will he get out and walk? Will he just go in and take a nap? Slap around a bellhop?
4:18 Donald Trump has emerged from his vehicle and...HE SEES HIS SHADOW! 4 MORE YEARS OF FASCISM!
And just like that, the walkabout is over!
4:30 Aand some black bloc morons away from the parade route smashed and set afire a private, non-parade limo, doing their part to feed Fox News. Grrrrr.
4:35 This isn't a bad idea, really:
4:40 The Great Man has arrived at the reviewing stands! Act interested!
The Trump poem is so bad you guys that the part where he insults Trump's 'tyrant' predecessor is the least offensive part of it.
Wonkette brings you an inaugural poetry contest. First prize: A trip to Nantucket (prize may be imaginary)
It's a great movie, but not nearly cynical enough.
He can count the size of the crowd on his huge hands.
And we're going to call this livebloog finished, just like America, because damned if we're going to stick around to see Al Roker wave at marching bands. Remember to check in with TCM for their airing of the insufficiently-cynical 1957 movie A Face In the Crowd at 5:45, and enjoy the next four years of President Lonesome Rhodes! We love you and will be there with you for every horrifying minute.
Also, empty grandstands right in front of the White House. So much for the paid seat-fillers! WEAK! PATHETIC!