Our Long National Nightmare Put Off A Few Months As Debt Ceiling Raised, Government Funded


On this momentous occasion of the worst possible thing not happening, let's not concern ourselves overmuch with winners (Democrats, America) and losers (the Tea Party, rank idiocy). Instead, let's celebrate. Government by extortion has been rejected. A global financial panic has been averted, the United States retains its role as an economic leader, and the dollar remains the world's reserve currency -- for now. Maybe Fitch will still downgrade our credit rating, but who cares? When Standard & Poor's downgraded us in 2011, borrowing costs actually fell, remember that? Oh, and the same thing happened in Italy. It's almost as though people don't trust the judgments of the credit rating agencies who said subprime-backed securities were AAA Would Invest Again can't-miss licenses to print money. Weird...

Where were we? Oh yeah. Democrats win! America wins! Tea Party loses! Ted Cruz 2016!

The Senate passed the bill 81-18 in a palindrome of Freedom (not to be confused with a Palindrone). Jim Inhofe bravely did not vote. The 18 votes against, all Republicans, were:

Tom Coburn (R-OK)

John Cornyn (R-TX)

Mike Crapo (R-ID)

Ted Cruz (R-TX)

Mike Enzi (R-WY)

Chuck Grassley (R-IA)

Dean Heller (R-NV)

Ron Johnson (R-WI)

Mike Lee (R-UT)

Rand Paul (R-KY)

James Risch (R-ID)

Pat Roberts (R-KS)

Marco Rubio (R-FL)

Tim Scott (R-SC)

Jeff Sessions (R-AL)

Richard Shelby (R-AL)

Pat Toomey (R-PA)

David Vitter (R-LA)

So basically every "Oh, that dick" in the world's worst deliberative body, plus a few "Who?"s. The bill will raise the debt limit through February 7th, fund the government through January 15th, and includes income verification for those seeking Obamacare subsidies. Those already exist, but we guess there will be more of them? Good, now we can shut down the terrible, broken site and say it's because we're adding income verification provisions.

Republicans also agreed via unanimous consent to go to budget conference:

22nd time's the charm, as they say!

Then Barry said some stuff; we weren't listening but maybe you want to read it. Then the House yammered for about a half hour, for no reason, but it was very important to condemn the shocking way the President spiked the football, even though no discernible indentation could be seen in the end zone. And then: The vote! The final score was:

Responsible Adults: 285

Petulant Children: 144

All Democrats who voted were on the right side of history. They were joined by 87 Republicans, some of whom will certainly face primary challenges by frothing anger-bears.

Then Barry signed the bill, and then he fucked Michelle with the vigor of a Spartan king before drifting off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

[LA Times / Forbes / The Week / Bloomberg / Voice of America / LA TimesTwitter / Politico]

Donate with CC
Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc