Does anybody have Nancy Drew's phone number? Or, if Tucker Carlson is distrustful of her because she is a woman, the Hardy Boys', as long as they promise not to try any gay stuff with him, because gay stuff makes Tucker uncomfortable?

For something wicked has befallen our Tucker Carlson, a mailing mystery for the ages, a crime that, had it not been completed, would have at last revealed THE TRUTH about Hunter Biden.

It was a dark and stormy night, and Tucker had a super secret collection of very incriminating documents about Hunter Biden, secrets only he knew, secrets he had been guarding, and Tucker had gone to LA to interview Tony Bobulinski. (Who? You still don't care.) Unfortunately, we guess Tucker left the super secret documents in New York — you always leave somethin' when you go out of town! — and it's not like you can just buy new super secret Hunter Biden documents on the black market if you find yourself in a city without them, hahahahaha, not unless you find a Russian spy or Rudy Giuliani, ALLEGEDLY.

Allow Tucker to now pick up the story of what happened, while wearing his best "I like long walks on the beach and my hobbies are being a TV dinner heir and doing [redacted for libel]"-style TV makeup.



CARLSON: We texted a producer in New York and we asked him to send those documents to us in LA, and he did that. So Monday afternoon of this week, he shipped those documents overnight to California with a large national carrier, a brand-name company that we've used, you've used, countless times, with never a single problem.

FedEx. Just say FedEx. He FedExed the very real documents that exist and are real. We know, the CEO Fred Smith is a biiiiiiiig GOP donor, and what with what Trump is doing to the US mail right now, whining about the FREE MARKET alternative is probably a bad look, but ...

CARLSON: But the Biden documents never arrived in Los Angeles.

CAPER!

CARLSON: Tuesday morning, we received word from the shipping company that our package had been opened and the contents were missing. The documents had disappeared.

As Fox News's own lawyers have explained, it is unreasonable to expect Tucker Carlson is telling you the truth, so please stop that right now.

CARLSON: Now to its credit, the company took this very seriously and immediately began a search.

As FedEx is wont to do.

CARLSON: They traced the envelope from the moment our producers dropped it off in Manhattan on Monday all the way to 3:44 a.m. yesterday morning. That's when an employee at a sorting facility in another state noticed that our package was open and empty. Apparently it had been opened!

OK, gotta stop Tucker real quick and talk personal to him. Hi, Tucker.

Goddammit, we cannot believe we are taking time to explain this. But here goes!

Assuming we are dealing with FedEx, your Wonkette lives in Memphis, which is the global headquarters of FedEx, through which all domestic packages fly, we are fairly certain. We live in the flight path! Every single night for hours upon hours, we can go outside and say "AIR-PANE! AIR-PANE! AIR-PANE!" as one-million-eleventy FedEx planes fly into the hub so those overnight packages can be routed to their destinations.

AND THEN THE MURDERS BEGAN.

No but seriously, we can tell you that FedEx was a fucking shitshow this weekend. And why do we know that? Because we are a longtime subscriber of Blue Apron. Every Saturday morning, like clockwork, FedEx delivers our Blue Apron shipment, and inside are fresh ingredients and recipe cards. Since we live in the hub city, when that package is not on our porch on Saturday mornings, which is extraordinarily rare, that means something has gone seriously awry. In the past, it's often coincided with the southern coast of US America being slammed by a vicious hurricane, which tends to fuck up shipping traffic far and wide.

It happened this weekend, Tucker.

Our package was not there. Blue Apron emailed us the next day, Sunday, to say THEY had heard from FedEx, that they were VERY MAD, and that FedEx might not be able to get our package to us that day either. Later that night, they went ahead and refunded us, without us even asking, and said they'd told FedEx to throw our package away, because hello, fresh ingredients.

FedEx somehow failed to get THAT message, and delivered the package on Tuesday in the late morning, three days late. Somehow, our Blue Apron delivery was still very cold! We guess FedEx put it in the fridge or something INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT ON A TRUCK AND DRIVING IT TEN FUCKING MINUTES TO OUR HOUSE, JESUS CHRIST.

Point is, we had some FedEx troubles the past few days too, Tucker. You are not alone in this universe! (And as for this testimonial about how nice and communicative Blue Apron was, and how it is NOT THEIR FAULT, whatever thanks Blue Apron would like to give us for saying all these nice things, they are free to get in touch about giving us so many free things we'll get sick of free things.)

Back to the mystery of the very real Hunter Biden Tucker Fucker documents:

CARLSON: So the company's security team interviewed every one of its employees who touched the envelope that we sent. They searched the plane and the trucks that carried it. They went through the office in New York where our producer dropped that package off. They combed the entire cavernous sorting facility. They used pictures of what we had sent so that searchers would know what to look for. They went far and beyond! But they found nothing. Those documents have vanished.

OK wait, they found the envelope, but not the documents? OK. Sure. Certainly.

So, if we are following the tick tock correctly here, Tucker's story seems to be that somebody in the FedEx hub in Most Likely Memphis found the empty envelope at 3:44 a.m., which means sometime just before that, CAPER OCCURETH.

Dammit, Hillary.

Question, though: If Tucker had pictures of the documents, why did he need them FedExed? Could this not have been accomplished with email? Was this really the only copy? If these documents were SO DAMNING, we feel like you might want to make an extra copy. Does Tucker not know there are copy machines at the FedEx Office location where his producer likely sent the super secret damning Hunter Biden documents that contain the truth?

So many questions.

CARLSON: As of tonight, the company has no idea and no working theory even about what happened to this trove of materials, documents that are directly relevant to the presidential campaign just six days from now. We spoke to executives at that company a few hours ago. They seemed baffled and deeply bothered by this. And so are we.

Yeah, so, OK, right, you betcha, definitely going to put this into our "Things That Happened" file of things that definitely happened.

However, we must affirm that we believe Tucker. To a point.

We believe FedEx fucked up some kind of package that was mailed to Tucker this week. Whether it was a new white hood or a collection of artisanal dildos where the peener head was painted to look like Hitler, not that we think Tucker would necessarily like anything like that, or whether Tucker just really really really really really really really really really REALlY REALLY REALLY needed some erectile dysfunction medication for his LA journalism trip and didn't have time to go to a pharmacy, we believe FedEx fucked up something.

As far as Tucker now or ever having been in possession of a trove of totally incriminating Hunter Biden documents that are not Russian or Rudy Giuliani forgeries, which were sneakily heisted out of a FedEx plane or out of the FedEx hub, separate from their envelope, and without anybody at FedEx being able to identify who took them or how they got in, LOLOLOLOL Tucker, shut your fucking mouth.

Now if you'll excuse us, we've been meaning to go out in our yard and see what fell out of the sky from a FedEx plane in the wee hours of Tuesday morning just before 3:44 a.m.

Wait, what's this? Holy shit! This must be what those folks who discovered the Dead Sea Scrolls felt like!

That's right, Tucker. Got yer Hunter Biden documents right here. ON OUR DICK.

(Allegedly!)

UPDATE: It was UPS. They found the package. In related news, these idiot amateurs used UPS. Hit that link for Wonkette's hilarious update!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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