A CHALLENGER APPEARS! Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 25, 2019

Joe Biden joins the race and Trump keeps stonewalling. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things wemaybe talking about today.

Former Vice President Joe Biden announced his third presidential run this morning. In his announcement video Biden talks about beating the bejesus out of Trump and his sycophantic army of white supremacist asswipes (with votes), with many outlets reporting he'll adopt a center-left platform. Politico reports Biden, in order to quickly close big gaps in the money primary, will be leaning heavily on labor unions throughout the Rust Belt, and his connections to Obama.
 

Joe Biden For President: America Is An Idea    www.youtube.com   

At the first ever She The People Presidential Forum in Houston, Texas, Democratic presidential candidates were forced to get specific on issues important to women of color, like abortion, gentrification, voter suppression, trans rights, sentencing reform, and police shootings. Among the notable highlights, Beto pledged to support the Equal Rights Amendment, Sen. Kamala Harris promised to pardon low-level drug offenders, Cory Booker (again) promised to pick a woman for VEEP, and Elizabeth Warren told men to stop crying about women in power.

Political wizards think South Bend, Indiana, Mayor Pete Buttigieg might be stumbling in South Carolina in his efforts to woo older black voters due to an amalgam of issues. Still, Buttigieg has been hauling in cash thanks to a vast network of donors in the LGBT community, and he'll probably make a hell of a lot more since Franklin Graham started screaming about Buttigieg being the gay anti-Christ ushering in the homopocalypse. Hallelujah!

 Along with stonewalling investigations into Trump's tax fuckery, Russian fuckery, and legal fuckery, Trump's White House is now adding census fuckery to the list of things it hopes to "run out the clock" on. Trump's DOJ says it won't comply with a congressional subpoena that seeks to drag an administration official up to the Hill unless the stooge's lawyer can come along. In a statement, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee Elijah Cummings scoffed and (in so many words) said "Motherfucker, YOU ARE A LAWYER!"

Trump's probably going to be pissed when he finds out Deutsche Bank has started turning over financial records to the New York attorney general as part of an investigation into shady loans for multiple Trump Organization trash palaces in New York, Miami, and Chicago, as well as Trump's failed attempt to buy the Buffalo Bills. Gee, it would be a shame if those records were leaked to some enterprising reporters...

Yesterday Trump threatened to go to the Supreme Court if House Democrats begin impeachment proceedings. Legal geeks note SCOTUS has abso-goddamn-lutely nothing to do with impeachment.

Democratic House members returning home for their first town halls since the 2018 midterm elections are finding most of their constituents are more interested in kitchen table issues like healthcare, anti-vaxers, public education, infrastructure, and immigration reform than they are about the Mueller Report. "If you wake up thinking you're being deported every day," Minnesota Rep. Dean Phillips tells Politico, "the Mueller report doesn't really matter to you."

In a new op-ed, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tells everyone to calm the fuck down instead of screaming to #IMPEACH, arguing we should let the investigative process play out. "A crime was committed against all Americans," says Clinton, "and all Americans should demand action and accountability."

The CDC reports 695 cases of measles in 22 states, and calls it "the greatest number of cases reported in the United States since measles was eliminated from this country in 2000." Health officials are begging people to put down their magic herbs and chakra crystals and get their brats vaccinated in order to prevent an easily avoidable epidemic.

 The NRA is suing the city of Los Angeles in an attempt to shoot down a new city ordinance that forces city officials to disclose any ties with the gun lobby. In a related story, as the NRA loads up for its annual convention this weekend, Everytown For Gun Safety has unveiled a new ad campaign calling the ammosexual org "more fringe and more toxic to the Americans it has long claimed to represent."

A top aide for former New Jersey Republican Gov. Chris Christie who was thrown under the bus during Bridgegate was sentenced to 13 months in prison. Speaking to reporters outside the courthouse, an emotional Bridget Anne Kelly maintained her innocence and blamed everything on Christie (again), adding, "you are a bully and the days of you calling me a liar and destroying my life are over." Just prior to her sentencing, Kelly told the New York Times, "I was a loyal soldier in the sense that I got to work every day, commuted farther than anyone in that office ... Let's be clear, he was a micromanager. If I suggested mac and cheese, he wanted the buffalo mac and cheese. Details were important to him."

Illinois's super rich Democratic Gov. JB Pritzker, his wife, and brother-in-law are under federal investigation for tax fuckery, according to Chicago NPR affiliate WBEZ. The Chicago Sun-Times was first to publish documents showing the Pritzkers removed all the toilets from their fancy Chicago mansion in order to declare the property "uninhabitable," devaluing the property and ultimately netting them a cool $331,000 in tax breaks. This would be pretty shitty in any other city or state, but it's business as usual in Chicago.

 The FBI raided Baltimore's City Hall and the home of Mayor Catherine Pugh. The raid is widely believed to be related to an on-going corruption scandal involving Pugh, her self-published kids books, and the University of Maryland Medical System that saw Pugh raking in $700,000 in exchange for city contracts.

Federal officials want to know why the hell Uncle Sam's Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty news services were spewing propaganda in favor of Tajikistan President Emomali Rahmon. Nerds and US officials have long complained about Rahmon's corruption, nepotism, and history of snuffing out dissent and religious freedom since he began his reign in 1992.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and Russian dictator Vladimir Putin met in Vladivostok earlier today for their first-ever talks. State media agencies have shockingly called the meetings a big success despite statements from Moscow that the meeting will amount to nothing more than both leaders pissing in the face of Donald Trump.

Police in Brazil arrested a parrot for snitching. According to police, the bird began squawking, “Mamãe, polícia," as police moved in on two suspected crack dealers. Local media outlets have reported the bird is not cooperating with police.

And here's your morning Nice Time: 180° OF PIRATE BIRDS!
 

'Pirate Birds' of the Tropics 180 | National Geographic    www.youtube.com   

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