'Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal!' Wonkagenda For Thurs., Dec. 13, 2018

Michael Cohen's secrets, and Rudy Giuliani's (allegedly!) drunk texts! Your morning news brief!

Dominic Gwinn

Dec 13, 2018

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Morning Wonketariat! Here are some of the things wemaybe talking about today.

AMI, the parent company of the National Enquirer , says it DEFINITELY paid hush money to keep Donald Trump's porn star problem a secret during the election. According to court documents, Enquirer editor David Pecker met with Michael Cohen, "and at least one other member of the campaign," in August of 2015 to discuss catching and killing any stories involving Trump's toad penis. EWW!

Bloomberg reports that Michael Cohen will eventually tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but not until after Robert Mueller finishes nailing down the Trump-Russia investigation.

Rudy Giuliani must've grabbed a cigar and a extra scotch at Jared Kushner's penthouse bar on 666 5th Avenue when he decided to call up Yahoo's Hunter Walker and bitch that Robert Mueller should "wrap the damn thing up" and "write the goddamn thing and get it over with now." According to an ALLEGEDLY sauced (and saucy!) Giuliani, Trump didn't do anything wrong when he told Michael Cohen to pay off porn stars just before the election. "They tried exactly the same theory against [John] Edwards," Giuliani (allegedly) slurred, adding that Michael Cohen is a "completely dishonorable person." A seemingly sloshed Giuliani continued, saying he himself has, "known some pretty scummy lawyers." Walker also reportsGiuliani angrily rambling about the "bullshit" allegation that he leaked information about from FBI investigation about HER EMAILS. Rudy, Step One is admitting you (allegedly?) have a problem.

Gabe Sherman gossips that Jared Kushner got a spanking after screwing the pooch with Nick Ayers. According to Sherman, the only reason Jared was on "Hannity" Monday was to take "responsibility" for John Kelly being "You're Fired"-ed, not to push his white-collar prison reform plan. Trump is reportedly considering David Bossie for chief of staff as he, according to one Republican, "knows investigations." Right!

Last night Mark Meadows was booted off the Washington Apprentice as Trump decided he feels Meadows should stay in Congress. LEAKERS inside Trump's White House gossip that Trump liked the idea of a foul mouthed asshole, a la Rahm Emanuel, but there was concern tapping Meadows would trigger a special election in North Carolina the GOP could lose. Others say Meadows was never a serious contender, and Trump is purposely trying to make this whole thing a another reality shit show.

It's looking more and more likely that Trump will shut down the government over his goddamn wall. The GOP is quietly whispering to reporters that they don't have the votes to give Trump $5 billion for his wall. This morning Trump insisted on Twitter that Mexico was going to pay for his wall as part of his NAFTA 2: Border Boogaloo, but there's nothing in the text of the agreement about a border wall, just some stuff about sticking it to the Canadian milk mafia.

In its latest horrifying bid to screw immigrants, the Trump administration wants to deport Vietnam war refugees who came to the US before July 12, 1995. Trump's White House believes those refugees and their kids are "criminal illegal aliens" because they have criminal records from a regime that prosecuted them for helping the US during the Vietnam war. Maybe they should have grown bone spurs? #MAGA

The Labor Department's Council of Economic Advisers says the economy is "in the Goldilocks Zone," and that inflation is "neither too high nor too low." However, this rosy assessment is perplexing economists and the Fed; they still think this is all way too good to be true. SPOILER ALERT: At the end of the story,the bears come home and catch Goldilocks in a food coma.

Nancy Pelosi cut a deal with the whipper-snappers caucus to limit her term as speaker to no more than four years, and support a bid to adopt term limits for Democratic House leaders. Pelosi now only needs two more House Democrats to vote for her. The proposal to adopt limits for House Democratic leadership is expected to come up for a vote in February, but Pelosi has agreed to abide by the proposal regardless of the outcome. THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE!

The Atlantic 's Elaina Plott noticed that Tom Steyer, the billionaire philanthropist running all those #IMPEACH ads, is running anonymous LinkedIn ads seeking "highly skilled political professionals" in Nevada, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. The ads note that candidates should have "prior training in anti-oppression, equity and inclusion organizing," whatever that means, and "bonus points" for people who have "experience working on Presidential campaigns." #HesRunning

Hawaii Democratic Rep. Tulsi Gabbard went on "Hardball" and didn't get screamed at by Chris Matthews when she acted all coy about hernot-at-all secret plans to run for president in 2020. Crom help us all, She's A Idiot and #ShesRunning. [ Video ]

Believe it or not, there's even MORE election fuckery in North Carolina, according to local news outlet WCET, which recently discovered that a third of absentee ballots in Columbus County were never returned to the local board of elections. Local officials say the man at the heart of absentee ballot fuckery in nearby Bladen County, McCrae Dowless, was in "daily contact" with the Columbus County Board of Elections in 2018, and asked for a trove information about absentee voters.

Cops in Chicago are quietly making moves to overturn the murder conviction of former CPD officer Jason Van Dyke by tapping a smarmy lawyer who's gotten other cops and well-connected politicos out of murder beefs, like the death of Rekia Boyd. The local Fraternal Order of Police has declined to say if it's bankrolling the case. Van Dyke is currently awaiting sentencing for the murder of 17-year-old Laquan McDonald, while the trial of several other officers involved in the alleged cover up awaits a ruling.

A commission investigating the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, has recommended that teachers should carry guns. It's now up to state lawmakers as to whether or not teachers should walk into classrooms ready to shoot first and ask questions later.

British Prime Minister Theresa May survived a vote of "no confidence" from her own Conservative party yesterday bypromising to walk the fuck away after Brexit. With a third of British Conservatives voting against her, May's problems will continue as her Brexit proposal is still widely expected to be shot down amid growing support for a second referendum from so-called "remainers" who think Brexit is a terrible idea.

The new Cold War between the US and Russia now stretches to Venezuela. The Russian government has recalled the two Tu-160 bombers it had sent to Venezuela as a show of support for its~~socialist~~dictator president, Nicolas Maduro, following criticisms from US officials. It's believed Moscow sent the nuclear-capable supersonic aircraft in response to the US military flying an OC-135 around Ukraine under the Open Skies Treaty, to let Putin's Little Green Men know we're watching them.

Russian scientists are washing the egg and vodka off their faces after state media bragged about Boris, a highly sophisticated Russian robot. The problem was the robot was a ruse,and actually just a guy in a 250,000 ruble ($3,760) robot costume. According to the BBC, people became suspicious when they clearly saw a person's neck. It's like that "South Park" episode, "AWESOM-O," but less clever.

Taylor Swift has been using facial recognition software at concerts to search for known stalkers. According to Rolling Stone , a kiosk was set up, ostensibly just playing rehearsal footage, that actually was scanning unwitting fans' faces as they passed by, and that data was then sent to a hub. Privacy advocates are worried Tay Tay will become queen of the Robocalypse, and hence doom humanity.

ProPublica and the Kentucky Courier-Journal have formed a partnership to investigate the state government's "excessive spending and questionable actions." Republican Gov. Matt Bevin is NOT happy about this, and recorded a video and later tweeted that ProPublica was a "left-wing activist group funded by the likes of George Soros." ProPublica responded last night with a Twitter thread that in essence tells Bevin to eat a bag of cold, hard~~dicks~~facts, and noted that the Courier-Journal previously uncovered grift when Bevin hired his Army buddy for a government job and gave him a $215,000 raise.

We don't care that much that Mika Brzezinski called Secretary of State Mike Pompeo a "buttboy" for his blowjob defense of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. We've said naughty things before too, so we'll takeher half-assed apology. Fuck Dr. Bonesaw, Mike Pompeo, and MbS. Evan (a verified #Gay) says that Mika is not Not A Ally, and she may be a dick about SOME things, but y'all need to pick your battles.

Melon Trump appeared on "Hannity" last night to talk about her "very thick skin." Gross.

Fox News is reporting that Trump has canceled the annual White House Christmas party for the press. Looks like we lost the war on Christmas!

And here's your morning Nice Time! 360° of Montana and BIGHORN SHEEP!