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2015 GOP State Of The Union Response Starring Joni Ernst And A Plastic Bag Shoe Liveblog
Everyone knows Joni Ernst has cut the balls off a pig or two, but did you know she's also a human female? Let's see if she does better than literally everyone else we've ever seen give one of these things.
As a young girl, Joni Ernst plowed the field and worked the biscuit line. She had bread bags on her feet. Everyone in Iowa was so poor that bread bags were the only shoes they knew. That's Joni Ernst's America.
"Stale ideas" are the problem, and the answer is... an oil pipeline. Fresh! New! Oil!
"Republicans think tax filing should be easier for you." That is not true because then H&R Block and Turbotax would not create new jobs. Joni, if you're gonna lie, try at least looking into the damn camera.
Oh here's the part where grandma's sweat and grandpa's dirt made Joni Ernst a great lady today, and that's all you need in this country. You don't need to be born rich, you see, as long as your grandparents were virtuous toilers. No thanks, we'll take the trust fund.
And... that's it? What was that, 10 minutes? Did she have to go pee?
So, big takeaways: #breadbags. Keystone Pipeline is a fresh new idea. New Republican Congress is somehow different than the old Republican Congress. Abortions are bad. America. Dreams. America. Did we miss anything?
So who's next? Ted Cruz's dentist? A butter sculpture of Ronald Reagan? Dogs barking Christmas carols? Rand Paul? HA, as if. Oh wait, he really did one:
HAPPENING NOW! Congressman Cunt Clawson is giving the Tea Party's response, and he's already doing the sportsball analogies! Congressman Clawson learned about politics on the gridiron, which is an exact analogue to Washington, DC.
Tea Partyman Clawson is really good at pronouncing the letter "T". That is how you know you can trust what he's saying.
Fact check on "America has the highest tax rate in the developed world?" We weren't aware that America had one, single "tax rate." What do we know? We didn't win the state championship under the Friday Night Lights with Coach Gene Heckman drinking his face off in the manager's throne.
Here's another fucking livefeed to crash your browser, you're welcome.
Congressman Clawson really did just say, "too much dyin'" in his foreign policy exegesis. That was some nice Spanish he said though, probably. We don't speak Spanish too good.
That is it for the night on this particular liveblog! Sasha and Malia are snug in their beds, Michelle is baking eggplant cakes for a late nite snack, and Barack Hussein Obama is relaxing in a cold shower of light sweet crude. One more State of the Union until some other person gives them. It's hard to rank Joni Ernst in terms of her predecessors in this role. She didn't get cotton-mouth or accidentally yell "fuck your grandma," but she was on screen for about as long as it takes to have a good pee, so. Mixed bag.
Why the hell did we leave this dead livestream of Joni Ernst down here the whole time? God, we suck.
Thank you! God bless you! God bless this mommyblog and recipe hub! CHUG! CHUG CHUG! AMERICA!!!
Here's your embedded livestream of Joni Ernst that will stop every time you refresh because fuck you is why.