Which Of Trump’s Fawning Adult Sons Is The Most Pathetic?
It’s a tough call!
The FBI’s legal search of Mar-a-Lago last week apparently sent Donald Trump’s two unsuccessful attempts at producing male children on a tail spin of melodramatic rage and self-pity.
Eric Trump immediately whined to Sean Hannity that "no family in American history that has taken more arrows in the back than the Trump family” and “every day, we get another subpoena.” It’s probably too much to ask that the the Trumps consider doing fewer crimes.
Eric was also appalled that the FBI conducted its search "absolutely, you know, no notice.” It’s not a social call, asshole. The FBI doesn’t show up at your house for crudités.
PREVIOUSLY: Imagine Eric Trump Cold, Scared, Home Alone At Mar-a-Lago, And His Mommy Has Just Gone To Be With Jesus ...
Eric also insisted that his father hadn’t stolen state secrets but was just a sentimental old man who held onto “newspaper articles, pictures,notes from us.” That last one caused my wife to double over laughing, and unlike me, she’s a nice person who generally believes the best in people. She was in tears as she read the rest of this quote:
"When my mom passed away a couple of weeks ago, you know, he still had all the notes," Trump said. "You know, over the years they've been saved, all the notes that she had ever written him. Hey, man, it's a beautiful thing. My father saves clippings and things like that."
Ivana Trump, whom Trump buried in his golf course, reportedly claimed in her divorce deposition that Trump raped her. He also publicly disparaged her after their divorce. But Eric exists in this delusional fugue state where his father is a warm-blooded mammal with a full-range of human feelings.
Last night on Hannity, Eric Trump claimed the FBI search has "caused the greatest fundraising.” He’s so proud that his supposedly wealthy father is shaking down his cultist supporters for money. Even my uncle who insisted OJ Simpson was framed didn’t contribute to his legal defense fund. (“He’s got that Naked Gun money.”)
Eric went on to say that a random couple tried to buy him and his wife, Lara, dinner. I’m sure he believes this happened.
Last night, I had an argument between two people in a restaurant who were trying to buy Lara and I dinner to apologize for what the United States government has done to our family.
Were these people representatives of the US government? Otherwise, they’re in no position to apologize. Eric and Lara are still capable of having date night, so it hardly seems like they are desperate victims of government persecution. Eric boasted that his father’s poll numbers have only improved since the FBI search. (They did increase in a poll conducted right after the search but before the Department of Justice unsealed the warrant.)
I will say this for Eric Trump: He’s managed to get it together enough to put on the top half of a suit and spout bullshit on friendly state media. His older brother is just a mess, screaming deranged angry rants from his house.
Here’s what Donald Trump Jr. tweeted yesterday:
“I hope not.”
— Stephen Robinson (@Stephen Robinson) 1660616413
Rough gibberish to English translation follows:
TRUMP JR: My father says he would’ve given them what they wanted ... but THEY NEEDED THE FBI HOSTAGE RESCUE TEAM, the HRT, the elite tactical unit, and 30-something agents to show up at my father’s home where they didn’t allow or didn’t want any lawyers present ...
Let me skip past these old lies to some newer ones.
TRUMP JR: There’s exactly ZERO equal justice under the law. You know what? Pro-tip for life. This is an ultimate life hack. Become a Democrat. Then you can do whatever you want with no accountability, no legal action ... They’ll just leave you alone.
So ... Marion Barry, Jesse Jackson Jr. , Charles Rangel, Corrine Brown, Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner ... they were all Democrats who did not receive passes from the criminal justice system. This is not a valid “life hack.”
Obviously, the Trump kids are pathetic in their own unique ways. We couldn’t pick a favorite, unlike Donald Trump himself. (It’s Ivanka.)
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